"it's Like You're Two Different People"

[Deleted member 1860]

Sorry, mods, if this is in the wrong forum. Please move it if you see fit.

I have been told that I seem to be two different people. There is the "normal" Solara who is my true kind and loving self, and then there is what I will call the "triggered" Solara who is uncaring, unfeeling and very defensive. "Normal" Solara is my true self, and "triggered" Solara is who I am when I anticipate/feel pain or rejection. "Triggered" Solara isn't always there....actually, I remember her being around at times when I was a teenager & in my early twenties, but at the time I didn't know anything about PTSD or what this could possibly be. I just knew that I had an uncaring & unfeeling side of myself. And then, this "triggered" side of me seemed to just go away. I don't know why, but it did.

Now I see her popping up again in the context of close, intimate relationships. I can be just fine, and then one statement can literally cause me to shut down and become the uncaring & unfeeling person.

In my last relationship (of sorts), the guy told me I was like two different people. He loved the regular me, but had no tolerance when I became uncaring & unfeeling. He stuck around for so long because he loved who I was when I was "normal" (my word, for lack of a better term, so please don't attribute it to him being mean/condescending). So that situation ended, and now I am with somebody new. This new guy has literally said the same thing, that I am like two different people. He loves who I truly am, and can recognize when I become triggered and am uncaring/unfeeling.

I really care about this new guy and I know he is being honest with me when he shares his thoughts/feelings on my behavior. I know I am hurting him when I get scared and push him away. We are working together on communication and such so that the next time this happens, it can be dealt with more effectively. (My shut downs are almost all related to communication issues, and this time, its not so much on him, rather I oftentimes misunderstand people and rather than ask for clarification, I just react/overreact.)

I know this isn't DID as I have been tested numerous times and always come back with no diagnosis, and I know I don't have all the DID symptoms. But, I can't help but wonder if this is somewhere on the dissociative spectrum? I am not sure what qualifies as dissociation versus what is just an emotional shutdown. I don't lose time, I am always here and present. Its just that I go numb and become uncaring/unfeeling. It takes work to fight back from this....sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. I have memory issues, but they only started with my concussion last fall and I was told it could take a year or more until I am feeling "normal" again in that sense.

Does anyone else experience anything similar? What do you do to fight it?

Thanks.

 

[marylouise]

@Solara, I was struck by recognition of this kind of behavior. I used to behave quite like this with my romantic partner/s in my early 20s, but had no idea I was doing it. I would get triggered, sometimes by closeness, and quite literally freak out and protect myself by yelling or running away. Worse for me then, I was ashamed of myself for acting like this, which led to denial. I think your level of awareness is amazing, and the willingness of your partner to communicate around this sounds promising.

Honestly, I think that everyone does this to some extent. My husband does not have a trauma history, but he does revert to childlike postures of defense when we squabble. We have tension around him never being on time, and when we're getting ready to go somewhere he will start making jokes and ribbing at me in a mean way like I've seen him do with his mother when she's overbearing even though I won't be nagging him; it's just preemptive, he's triggered. I'm more aware of my own tendencies and have had to forcibly change my instincts towards physical violence or yelling. Now I mostly swear like a sailor when I get upset, even though I never swear ordinarily. I think the key is awareness followed by thwarting your instincts, by taking a break to calm yourself down. At least that is how I worked with this.

I've had to deal with a few family members with personality disorders, and they act like this to an extreme degree without any awareness. Of course, personality disorders are an extreme form of self-defense. Dealing with them does feel like interacting with two different people. I think it must have been like that for my partners dealing with me when I was younger. There was a psychiatrist in my past who was convinced that I was BPD (my therapist told me years later). I'm not surprised, though he was wrong and really I was a trauma survivor.

 

[Aching65]

@Solara. I have the same trouble with S. I also feel communication would have prevented most of the troubles we are going trough at the moment. PTSD, I really did not understand it as it is so complex, and indeed she is 2 totally different persons. At the moment she seems to be struggling to find her normal self. But had she told me a little about the reasons why she did not like a few of the things I was doing it would have made a big difference. I suppose when you love someone, you can make some changes to avoid triggering her. But when you are not made aware of what the triggers are, how can you being told. "Well I told you I was assaulted, so you should know"..

It is still on and off with S and now she is off again because she was triggered by my ex coming to drop reading books for my little boy.m she suddenly fell bad, knowing that I had spoken with her and feeling violated. So she left and now texts me to leave her alone...

 

[Springer80]

Hi Solara,

I find it interesting that you call this side of yourself uncaring and unfeeling. Is that really true?
When I am triggered my self protection goes into over-ride and that may appear as unfeeling or uncaring to other people but it is anything but for me.

In fact it is co caring and so feeling and vulnerable that I can't bare it. And that is usually heartbreaking for me, because the very thing I need to be able to synthesise these two parts and heal is the very thing that I revolt from and it's entirely out of my control.

As for dissociative labels, they are useful in that they can give context and perspective. They can also help in feeling less alone and less like a 'freak'. In turn, that can enable you to take it a bit easier on yourself, which helps the healing process. On the other hand they don't materially change or help the situation either.

Like you I always knew that I wasn't DID, but I did experience a kind of splitting when I was triggered. I'm learning to give that side of myself more room, I'm trying to abide with it more.

In terms of love, I don't think that I'll ever be properly over this until I find someone I can trust with this side of myself. Trust is what it's about really. The more secure that part of me feels the better. Finding a man that will cherish and nurture that side of me sometimes feels like a dream.

 

[Springer80]

What do you do to fight it?

II am past the stage of fighting it because it only brought more trauma and chronic fatigue. I have had to learn that 'fighting' it is accepting it and nurturing it and spending time comforting that part of myself.

I know I am hurting him when I get scared and push him away

Well it's your actions but it's not your intention and the effects of it hurt you too because you lose yourself and you potentially lose someone you love.

He loves who I truly am, and can recognize when I become triggered and am uncaring/unfeeling.

Who you truly are is the 'normal' you AND the triggered vulnerable defensive you. You can't be 'normal' you all the time because this will keep resurfacing. You remove that vulnerable bit with love. The person who you are with needs to love that part too if not more than the 'normal' bit. In fact, the last man I loved and lost, loved that side of me but I freaked because of the pain of having it loved.

but had no tolerance when I became uncaring & unfeeling. He stuck around for so long because he loved who I was when I was "normal" (my word, for lack of a better term, so please don't attribute it to him being mean/condescending).

Your last guy, I sure he did love you but love isn't just loving the best bits or the edited highlights. I was engaged to someone and we did love each other but it wasn't enough because he wasn't mature enough to realise that taking care of the person you love is a two way street.

 

[Springer80]

Something that I suddenly felt earlier this week is that, that part of me DESERVES love. It's a feeling that is floating around inside and sometimes it comes down to land and I feel no conflict or anxiety and I'm mentally less exhausted. Walking in it's shoes is a different matter though and it's pain-stakingly slow. I try and push it, force it on but it won't.

A song lyric I read in a book the other week, has been staying with me....

'The greatest lesson you'll ever learn is to give love and be loved in return.'

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I so agree Springer. It is the greatest lesson. I would not have missed it for the world.

 

[Springer80]

But it's a terribly painful, long and lonely one for people abuse in childhood. God I hope it's worth it in the end, if there is an end!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I believe, Springer that all of life is a practice and there is no damn guidebook to be found. No manuels or anything. It is so worth it.

 

[Springer80]

If you think it's something you want to do Solara, The Clinic for Dissociative Studies London has literature on it's website. Also, I made sculptures representative of my defensive splitting (they're on the thread Meet The E.p's (search for Meet)

 

[ghotiff]

@solera. I too can go hyper cold when in certain situations. I never thought it as being triggered before, I will need to think about that.

From a relationship view it used to happen regularly when I was younger. My husband doesn't like that side of me but over time he has learnt to trigger it now only rarely and I have learnt that I need to walk away and consciously think of more positive ways to interpret his comments/actions as much of it is me interpreting things differently than what he intended.

It's not the real me and I don't see my actions as love able when I'm like this and would not expect anyone to love how I act when in this mode but I walk away so it's generally now not visible to others.

Hope that helps.

 

[Harry Osborn]

I can't say if I've ever been like this in an intimate relationship because I've never had one. The thought of one disgusts me to no end, and I don't do well with people as a whole. I'm entirely unsure of who my 'true' self is, since I have a lot of gaps in my memory (this being prior to drinking, so I have no idea what for--but I can't vividly remember most of my childhood, or adolescence, and I am only 22--people made fun of me for it sometimes, which kinda made me feel bad).

Anyway, I do have a similar duality in that there is a side of me which is kind and caring and wishes to get close to people in some way, but then there is another side that is distant, not hostile but definitely reserved, somewhat cutting, and just more somber, I suppose. That's my default, especially when I feel someone is trying to become close to me (unless it's online, we're speaking strictly IRL)--when that happens, I just shut down and freeze. I want them to go away but I do not want to be hostile, and I feel offended (without a right to, I know this) that they're even talking to me and afraid they might hurt me (I don't assume they will, so it's not paranoia, but I just am a fearful person I suppose).

I am aware both of these sides are "me," so this isn't some DID sort of thing, and while the 'switch' can be flipped by anyone, it is most often flipped by family and people who try to become my friends. I get defensive around those people because I suffered abuse at the hands of my family and around friends for petty reasons (friendships fallen through, so I don't get defensive with them so much as cynical about the relationship).

What absolutely terrifies me is people (even strangers) hitting on me, though. That's the only stranger I won't be kind to. I'll freeze up and pretend I'm not there and hope he goes away, or try some effort at small talk so forced it's clear I don't want to be there. I get really bad anxiety with them, and I would hate if any of them ever touched me. People touching me makes me feel disgusting, and I had a recent ER visit (hence why I joined this forum tbh) over an anxiety attack triggered by this. I'll elaborate further on another thread so as to not rob from this one, but I wanted to say what I've said in case it helps OP or anyone.

Recently I do nothing to 'fight' it because I have nothing to against it for. I hate the family I live with, I don't have a s/o (or want one--ever), my only motivation in life right now is getting my degree--and I've joined this forum to try and cope with my PTSD so it won't get in the way of my goal.