Alien Goodness
Bronze Member
:hug:Hang in there @GWhizz!
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Quitting Therapy
- Post starter GWhizz
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- Post starter
- #63
Thank you @ghotiff and @Alien Goodness.
I quit via text with my T yesterday. The weight of being unable to speak and reduced to a childlike state again is just too much to bear right now. I wasn't able to just ignore what I'd disclosed and focus on coping skills in our session this week. And I felt so dreadful both during and afterwards that I just can't see what I'm achieving or where it's going. I feel like I need a lot more guidance than most people maybe able to give as therapists. I can't make proper decisions for myself right now and I can't commit to anything either. I feel trapped either way. My only source of venting is to self-harm.
I quit via text with my T yesterday. The weight of being unable to speak and reduced to a childlike state again is just too much to bear right now. I wasn't able to just ignore what I'd disclosed and focus on coping skills in our session this week. And I felt so dreadful both during and afterwards that I just can't see what I'm achieving or where it's going. I feel like I need a lot more guidance than most people maybe able to give as therapists. I can't make proper decisions for myself right now and I can't commit to anything either. I feel trapped either way. My only source of venting is to self-harm.
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Oh @GWhizz....I really feel for you....feeling trapped is horrible.
I didn't want to say too much about this earlier in this thread because I didn't want to risk being biased in my views because of my own experience....but I changed T's and it did me the world of good.
With my first T she encouraged me to push myself way to hard and way too fast. This lead me into a downward spiral that left me in a really bad state. I eventually quit her (which was a really hard thing to do) and started with a new T. I deliberately took a very different approach with my new T and the difference between the two is like night and day.
I have just got back to what I call "my pre-therapy self", I can't say how happy it makes me to get back to this state. I've got a bunch of issues, but they are all mangeable while still functioning. I still want to get better (I worry about the impact of my issues on my kids), but I can function again now.
I hope by writing the above that you can see some hope from my story and that you can think about finding a new T who will work much better for you.
Please let me know what I can do to help you. I have been thinking about you.
I didn't want to say too much about this earlier in this thread because I didn't want to risk being biased in my views because of my own experience....but I changed T's and it did me the world of good.
With my first T she encouraged me to push myself way to hard and way too fast. This lead me into a downward spiral that left me in a really bad state. I eventually quit her (which was a really hard thing to do) and started with a new T. I deliberately took a very different approach with my new T and the difference between the two is like night and day.
I have just got back to what I call "my pre-therapy self", I can't say how happy it makes me to get back to this state. I've got a bunch of issues, but they are all mangeable while still functioning. I still want to get better (I worry about the impact of my issues on my kids), but I can function again now.
I hope by writing the above that you can see some hope from my story and that you can think about finding a new T who will work much better for you.
Please let me know what I can do to help you. I have been thinking about you.
:hug: to you @GWhizz and my apologies that I hadn't caught up with your therapy visit til now.
It sounds like she didn't take it slowly then...? I'm so so sorry that you were so re-traumatised. It sounds like a vile experience. I know just what you mean when you say that "self-harm is my only way of venting" when you're in that state - or. really, have been pushed into that state. (I've done it when I realised that no one at all was listening and yet still blindly steaming on ahead with what they think is best for you when obviously it isn't). I'm not a big fan of having-to-suffer-more-before-it-gets-better.
I do hope you're safe and feeling at least a little calmer today. And that you've caught up on your sleep - when we're tired even little things can seem like major calamities.
Have you made any plans to find a new T? Or maybe you want to give it a rest until you're more right-side-up again?
It sounds like she didn't take it slowly then...? I'm so so sorry that you were so re-traumatised. It sounds like a vile experience. I know just what you mean when you say that "self-harm is my only way of venting" when you're in that state - or. really, have been pushed into that state. (I've done it when I realised that no one at all was listening and yet still blindly steaming on ahead with what they think is best for you when obviously it isn't). I'm not a big fan of having-to-suffer-more-before-it-gets-better.
I do hope you're safe and feeling at least a little calmer today. And that you've caught up on your sleep - when we're tired even little things can seem like major calamities.
Have you made any plans to find a new T? Or maybe you want to give it a rest until you're more right-side-up again?
joeylittle
Sponsor
@GWhizz , I was thinking about your situation.
One way that you could keep moving forward and supporting yourself without going as deep as trauma therapy (right now) would be to find a good DBT program. Not to do DBT specifically related to your trauma, but to learn more of the whole spectrum of distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills, as well as some more practical applications for mindfulness.
These tools can really bring some respite into a pressured life situation, they are good for general depression as well, and if/when you go looking for another trauma specialist you will be much more confident in grounding yourself and managing those extremes of emotion that go along with trauma work.
DBT groups really aren't about sharing details of your life; they are generally more skills-based. That might be something good for you right now.
One way that you could keep moving forward and supporting yourself without going as deep as trauma therapy (right now) would be to find a good DBT program. Not to do DBT specifically related to your trauma, but to learn more of the whole spectrum of distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills, as well as some more practical applications for mindfulness.
These tools can really bring some respite into a pressured life situation, they are good for general depression as well, and if/when you go looking for another trauma specialist you will be much more confident in grounding yourself and managing those extremes of emotion that go along with trauma work.
DBT groups really aren't about sharing details of your life; they are generally more skills-based. That might be something good for you right now.
- Post starter
- #67
@ghotiff yes feeling trapped is horrible, though I'm am beginning to feel better.
@Laura 2 I think I just need a mental break to reevaluate where I'm at in all of this. I'm waiting to be reviewed by a psychiatrist so I think I'll wait until I've had that before going any further again. It's just too emotive right now otherwise. My T just kept asking me how I felt in that moment, which meant I ended up talking reluctantly about how I felt about what I'd written the week before, as that was what was on my mind. I felt like she should have facilitated directing discussion away from this topic. I don't know if I got too invested in this or what tbh. I just need time to step back and think it through. I can't make a clear decision to continue or not when I'm too deep in it.
@joeylittle DBT and group work sounds interesting, I'd be open to exploring this option thanks. I do work on mindfulness but I think I need to be more focused on integrating it at all times rather than simply expecting to use it when in crisis
@Laura 2 I think I just need a mental break to reevaluate where I'm at in all of this. I'm waiting to be reviewed by a psychiatrist so I think I'll wait until I've had that before going any further again. It's just too emotive right now otherwise. My T just kept asking me how I felt in that moment, which meant I ended up talking reluctantly about how I felt about what I'd written the week before, as that was what was on my mind. I felt like she should have facilitated directing discussion away from this topic. I don't know if I got too invested in this or what tbh. I just need time to step back and think it through. I can't make a clear decision to continue or not when I'm too deep in it.
@joeylittle DBT and group work sounds interesting, I'd be open to exploring this option thanks. I do work on mindfulness but I think I need to be more focused on integrating it at all times rather than simply expecting to use it when in crisis
Hmm, well that doesn't sound too skilful of that T. Maybe a quick check-in and then straight on to more empowering things like how to deal with certain disempowering triggers/feelings. But I think you did the right thing.
Doesn't sound like you were too invested....after all, it IS your life and your profound injuries here! You've every right to be invested in how people treat you! As you say, time to take time out....:tup:
I'm a bit confused how these two things fit together. I realise this might sound a little unsympathetic, and I don't mean to be. I also realise I have only a tiny reporting of what happened. Based on what you've said, I'm not sure how your therapist could have done anything else. You were unable to ignore the effects of communicating about trauma (which you have said earlier was driven by you and not your therapist, who wanted to wait) but when your therapist tried to talk with you about those effects you felt that was wrong of her?
I honestly don't want to be harsh. I'd just like to offer a view. There's only so much a therapist can do/understand/realise/manage. In order for a therapist to work with us the most appropriate way, we need to be communicating, negotiating and working together with the therapist. They can't read minds, they're not perfect, and they can't do everything for us.
I still feel from what you've said that you seem to have a good therapist. I feel that you need to work a great deal on coping skills, and that your therapist might be able to help you do that. If your therapist really isn't right for you, then I think however you approach it you're going to have to accept that a certain amount of this stays with you.
You can get guidance and support from a therapist, but a therapist can't somehow make you do what you can't make yourself do. That isn't their role anyway. In the end the person who has to make themselves stop focussing on the trauma or symptoms and instead do the deep breathing, the exercising, the distraction activities, the journaling or whatever else... is still you. If you want help from a therapist in doing that, you need to tell them what you need and when, to the best of your ability.
This sort of communication is another thing that gets better with practice. This is part of therapy. If there's been a misunderstanding or communication failure with a good therapist, then the answer is to go back and work through it. If you genuinely suspect that the therapist has messed up, the ideal thing to do is go back and be honest about that, because maybe that's something that can be discussed, clarified and worked through... maybe it would be good to hear the therapist's point of view, and maybe it would be good for them to hear yours, before making any big decisions.
Just my humble opinion.
@Hashi
Hmmmmm, thinking about it, you made good points there. Good communication is vital. Though I left a T after only 4 wks because he was all over the place and just didn't really know what to do with me, kept suggesting all sorts of different approaches. In the room with him being so scattered, I just couldn't get my thoughts together enough to ask WTF he was up to and what's the treatment plan?!. That's not saying this has happened with @GWhizz , but just remembering how difficult it is to think straight under such stress.
If I'd just divulged my 'shameful', most painful, secret horrors to my T thinking about it now, I think I'd want a period of 'holding', lots of kindly reassurance that she still accepted me, had no judgement, that I hadn't repulsed her...a couple of sessions to let it all settle, to allow the huge new information to be 'normalised', part of our new landscape. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe this - it's about feeling very safe and even loved, in a way. It would be so hard for me to recognise this need and incredibly difficult and probably impossible to articulate it in that moment.
Perhaps GWhizz's T didn't recognise the momentous leap of courage she took in writing about the horrors to her. Sometimes, the stock 'How do you feel about that?' is just too blunt a tool. Maybe, gentle questions along the line of 'How can I help you right now...?' and 'What do you need from me at the moment?' may have been more supportive. But of course you're right, therapists are only people and they have lapses too, and often need more clarification to do their job.
It occurs to me that GWhizz's T may be exactly the right person - in 2 months' time, or 3 yrs' time, or even next week. Though not now. Like any relationship, we need to take time sometimes to evaluate it and recommit or cut our losses. You're also completely right that we weren't there - so my HOs are so much speculation...with the best of intentions!
Hmmmmm, thinking about it, you made good points there. Good communication is vital. Though I left a T after only 4 wks because he was all over the place and just didn't really know what to do with me, kept suggesting all sorts of different approaches. In the room with him being so scattered, I just couldn't get my thoughts together enough to ask WTF he was up to and what's the treatment plan?!. That's not saying this has happened with @GWhizz , but just remembering how difficult it is to think straight under such stress.
If I'd just divulged my 'shameful', most painful, secret horrors to my T thinking about it now, I think I'd want a period of 'holding', lots of kindly reassurance that she still accepted me, had no judgement, that I hadn't repulsed her...a couple of sessions to let it all settle, to allow the huge new information to be 'normalised', part of our new landscape. Sorry, I don't know how else to describe this - it's about feeling very safe and even loved, in a way. It would be so hard for me to recognise this need and incredibly difficult and probably impossible to articulate it in that moment.
Perhaps GWhizz's T didn't recognise the momentous leap of courage she took in writing about the horrors to her. Sometimes, the stock 'How do you feel about that?' is just too blunt a tool. Maybe, gentle questions along the line of 'How can I help you right now...?' and 'What do you need from me at the moment?' may have been more supportive. But of course you're right, therapists are only people and they have lapses too, and often need more clarification to do their job.
It occurs to me that GWhizz's T may be exactly the right person - in 2 months' time, or 3 yrs' time, or even next week. Though not now. Like any relationship, we need to take time sometimes to evaluate it and recommit or cut our losses. You're also completely right that we weren't there - so my HOs are so much speculation...with the best of intentions!
- Post starter
- #71
@Hashi thanks for your opinion. I think you make a very valid point.
Just to clarify your confusion in those 2 different statements, I had asked my T for a break, she said she didn't think it was a good idea, but we'd only work on coping, nothing else. Then when I arrived she decided to tell me what she thought of my disclosure. She teared up, apologised for getting so emotional, then said how sad she felt for little me, that had to experience it. She said she was afraid last week of how to respond to it as she doesn't want to say the wrong thing and me shutdown even more (I guess I'm so weary I easily pull back when unsure of people).
She then went onto discuss my apparent disconnection from it all. I told her it bothers me that she can feel for me, yet I can't express my feelings in there. I told her I do feel but just don't want to show it in there. I actually had to fight my tears, breaking down on/off, managing to hold myself together. I told her I couldn't let myself get upset or I'll just end up really depressed and more angry at myself. I ignored a lot of her probing and tried to block it out. But she kept at it. I wanted to focus on coping skills, but she needed to direct this. I ended up almost vomiting, she offered to get a basin, but I ran up to the bathroom and stayed there until I had been sick and felt calm. I came back and asked if it was okay that we don't talk about that stuff anymore today. She said of course. Then she said I could leave early if I wanted, so I did. Not one discussion about coping! I was confused. I wanted a break, followed her advice not to, yet she didn't follow through. She slipped up here. I really really like her and am not blaming her. But this is my life. She knew the previous 2 wks I'd left feeling awful. She knew I feared a 3rd wk of similar could potentially push me over, yet she didn't stop.
To link those two paragraphs together better, I was asked about how I was feeling. I was feeling stressed about the week before and the trauma disclosed. I answered her query of what was on my mind with what was on my mind. She could have shut this down.
Maybe I should contact her to discuss it more. Either way, I'm taking a few weeks away from it all as I'm just finding it too much. Maybe she was right to explore what was bothering me, I was just feeling crap either way and saw no gain in it. Then I had a bit of a freak out the next day and contacted her but she wanted to contact my GP and partner, said if I didn't tell them how bad I felt she'd have to. I'm sorry I can't type anymore on this. I'm feeling really triggered just thinking about it again... Will try come back to this later. Hope it makes some sense
Just to clarify your confusion in those 2 different statements, I had asked my T for a break, she said she didn't think it was a good idea, but we'd only work on coping, nothing else. Then when I arrived she decided to tell me what she thought of my disclosure. She teared up, apologised for getting so emotional, then said how sad she felt for little me, that had to experience it. She said she was afraid last week of how to respond to it as she doesn't want to say the wrong thing and me shutdown even more (I guess I'm so weary I easily pull back when unsure of people).
She then went onto discuss my apparent disconnection from it all. I told her it bothers me that she can feel for me, yet I can't express my feelings in there. I told her I do feel but just don't want to show it in there. I actually had to fight my tears, breaking down on/off, managing to hold myself together. I told her I couldn't let myself get upset or I'll just end up really depressed and more angry at myself. I ignored a lot of her probing and tried to block it out. But she kept at it. I wanted to focus on coping skills, but she needed to direct this. I ended up almost vomiting, she offered to get a basin, but I ran up to the bathroom and stayed there until I had been sick and felt calm. I came back and asked if it was okay that we don't talk about that stuff anymore today. She said of course. Then she said I could leave early if I wanted, so I did. Not one discussion about coping! I was confused. I wanted a break, followed her advice not to, yet she didn't follow through. She slipped up here. I really really like her and am not blaming her. But this is my life. She knew the previous 2 wks I'd left feeling awful. She knew I feared a 3rd wk of similar could potentially push me over, yet she didn't stop.
To link those two paragraphs together better, I was asked about how I was feeling. I was feeling stressed about the week before and the trauma disclosed. I answered her query of what was on my mind with what was on my mind. She could have shut this down.
Maybe I should contact her to discuss it more. Either way, I'm taking a few weeks away from it all as I'm just finding it too much. Maybe she was right to explore what was bothering me, I was just feeling crap either way and saw no gain in it. Then I had a bit of a freak out the next day and contacted her but she wanted to contact my GP and partner, said if I didn't tell them how bad I felt she'd have to. I'm sorry I can't type anymore on this. I'm feeling really triggered just thinking about it again... Will try come back to this later. Hope it makes some sense
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