General My Partner Had Very Severe Ptsd. Please Help Me

[aaaaa1]

I just entered counselling for myself. It's only in the last few months that I realised I haven't been coping -- although it's clear now that I haven't been coping for years, in fact. It's part of a broader attempt at self-care also involving getting some longstanding sports injuries sorted out, and remembering to shower and shave from time to time ...

I think I read in another thread that you posted in that you're doing postgraduate study. I was finishing my doctorate while all this was happening -- her very worst blowouts happened in the (already unbearably stressful) week or two before I handed it in, and in the week or two following. I really needed her help, and didn't get it, because her state of mind was so unpredictable (since then, she has been very supportive with other writing and research projects I've had). I respond to stress in a similar way to you I think -- indoors for weeks at a time, staying in pyjamas -- exactly as you say, rubbish, long-held strategies. I'll think about your last point there: these days she doesn't respond to stress in the same way as she did back then. I desperately hope that she wasn't exhibiting deep-seated character traits that might return at some point. I think that's what I'm most afraid of.

Anyway I really started writing this message to say thank you for your support, and best of luck to you -- I think we must have gone through some similar things, trying to do academic work while dealing with the stress of an unpredictable, unwell partner.

 

[blackswan]

AT thesis submission time. Wow. You are more forgiving than I - I'm not sure I'd be speaking to my love again yet if all that went down while I was trying to submit ;)

 

[madmax]

TMB

 

[aaaaa1]

TMB

Hi madmax -- I'm not sure what this means, could you explain?

 

[Meadowsweet]

@dog_party , thank you for explaining further, it certainly makes more sense now. I think that @blackswan has already given excellent advice, that I can't really add to.

I don't suppose we can ever tell whether someone has those character traits, or how they will be triggered by stress. However, you mentioned that she admits to being abusive, and that she has gone through stress without becoming that way again, so that's a positive sign.

But like blackswan said, things you've said do suggest that you may have some mild symptoms of PTSd yourself, this may or may not prevent you from being able to cope with being close to her again. If you find it too stressful, then, even if she has changed, it may be be that you can't go back thre, because of the fears that you have.

But hopefully, the therapy that you are taking will help to bring you to a clearer place. There is no right or wrong decision though - in its simplest form, people are partners because they enjoy spending time with that person.

 

[aaaaa1]

Thank you! I think the last two things you say are extremely clear and helpful. It may be impossible to return there. Hopefully the current therapy will help me be more even-tempered, and to have a clearer picture of the role our past plays in my day to day life.

It's very striking to hear someone say 'people are partners because they enjoy spending time with that person'. Because of what happened, it's been impossible for us to reliably enjoy spending time together for a long time -- brief, happy holidays from stress aside. We've stayed together for lots of reasons -- love, the hope that things will get better, fear of living separate lives, but not just because we've actually been happy. That's a wonderful goal to have, whatever happens, thank you!

 

[Meadowsweet]

Thanks for saying so. I was told recently that I was a person who blindly stuck up for the rights of people with PTSD and didn't understand people without PTSD. It defined my feelings, understanding and views as worthless crap, because I have PTSD. It hurt, and diminished any confidence I'd found to speak.

So right now, it just means a lot for someone to say that what I've said is helpful. so thank you too.

 

[aaaaa1]

I've certainly found your comments very helpful and understanding, so you don't need to worry about that on my score. Before I met my partner I didn't know anything about what PTSD was actually like, only what I'd seen cartoonishly shown in the media, so I would imagine my sort of former ignorance is pretty widespread. Given a general situation like that, I think sticking up for the rights and experiences of people with the condition is a very valuable thing to do, and more people should do it. That was a very thoughtless thing for that person to say to you.

I was reading through the other forums, and I saw a thread that you had posted about the woman who stepped in when Lee Rigby was murdered. You used a phrase there that I found very striking -- you mentioned something about a feeling that everything good you did was cancelled out by PTSD, and that it would define (or people would think it would define) everything that you did. It struck me because it was something that my partner used to say -- that the condition had damaged everything in her life, and everyone that she had come into close contact with, and that she could never escape from the terrible things that had happened to her. After my discussions with everyone on here earlier today, I tried something new: writing about some of the things that she'd put me through in a journal. Although it was very painful, I felt much calmer afterwards, and found myself thinking about all of the various good things that she'd brought into my life as well -- acts of real kindness, generous comments, and support. I'm certain that you've had those same good effects on people around you, too. I was very low today, and talking to you and Blackswan helped an awful lot, so your comments weren't worthless crap to me. And I hope you find your confidence again soon.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

What I am saying is that dissociation to her level is BEYOND just being PTSD. I have been in the hospital with people who had severe dissociation episodes, and no, it does not go away with just CBT. Their treatment was completely different than mine. No, I don't know the specifics as I only overheard discussions amongst others, but I do know that their treatment was more in depth and took a lot longer than mine, as I didn't have a major dissociative component to get a hold of. However, I have been told that I have a *possible* dissociative disorder, and my dissociation is NOWHERE near the level of hers. I have never had blackouts, and I don't have times where I do things and simply not remember.

"Severe" PTSD doesn't go away after a few months of CBT. Maybe minor PTSD does, but severe PTSD does not. I am not trying to get into a battle here of comparing one person's PTSD to another, but does severe anything go away after just a few months? No, not really. I am thinking that perhaps it was a more mild case of PTSD fueled by alcohol consumption, or that she has another disorder that is just lying dormant for the time being. I'm not trying to minimize what happened to her or what you experienced, but I guess I take a bit of insult when someone says that "severe" PTSD was pretty much cleared up after a few months. Not trying to step on toes here, rather I am trying to REALLY stress that this is WAAY more than just PTSD.

Dissociation IS common with PTSD, but the thing about dissociation is that it is on a spectrum from "normal" dissociation, ie driving on autopilot while on a long car ride to "severe" at the other end of the spectrum where someone has dissociative identity disorder with many personalities and no knowledge of what any of the other personalities do. Your girlfriends dissociative behavior which includes blacking out and having forgetful episodes is beyond the scope of dissociation seen in *just* PTSD. Her level of dissociation is more commonly seen in a separate (yet co-morbid) dissociative disorder.

 

[aaaaa1]

Thank you for your input, Solara. Do you know of any resources that I could look at that could teach me a bit more about the role that dissociation more commonly plays in PTSD?

Trying to inform myself, I've seen a number of other people on this board detail experiences like this -- forgetful episodes after extreme behaviour -- without being told that the experience falls outside the range of things that might be expected in PTSD or C-PTSD. People have discussed having full-blown separate personalities within them, forms of dissociation more serious than my partner experienced, without being told that their source is in another, undiagnosed disorder. This makes me feel like I've unknowingly entered into a wider discussion that exists on these boards, where the role and nature of dissociation is debated. Psych papers that I've looked at (eg van der Hart, Journal of Traumatic Stress, 2005), suggest a very broad and complicated range of forms of dissociation are involved in PTSD.

I don't have much to say to your remarks about treatment, apart from that I think it is probably not the best approach to generalise backwards from effective treatment to judgment about the disease. I can say that the seven or so months of weekly therapy meetings and daily homework, combined an antidepressant and Risperidone to manage the most major episodes, did not seem like a light course of treatment. 'Does severe anything go away after just a few months?' is probably to general a question to get to grips with anyone's actual experience.

Lastly, you have no reason to take anything that I say as an insult. Her PTSD was severe, as exhibited by its duration, symptoms, and her score on the PCL-C. So was what I went through. Neither of those things has any effect on your own experience.

 

[singlegateunkept]

You've gotten a lot of good advice and feedback here and I'm hardly an expert so I don't have a lot to add, but I was reading your post and this bit at the end struck me:

but we genuinely love each other, and share interests and goals, and it would be a terrible thing to lose each other, even if we have no other choice.

And, again, I'm not an expert on anything, but it seems to me after reading everything you said here, that you might not, actually, have the same goals? At least when it comes to relationships. You say she was stalking you, she was flirting with other people when mad at you, she discussed cheating on her exes- all before you were together, and then everything appears to have been incredibly rocky- and then with her drinking after you had expressed how it made you feel unsafe. It reads like you two might have different relationship expectations, goals, and standards- regardless of her PTSD. Maybe i'm reading wrong, but it sort of seems like you two have very different ideas of how to respect and care for each other.

You say as a former drinker yourself you're uncomfortable around drunk people now, and that her drinking, given everything and the way you were treated while she drank, makes you feel unsafe. That's a large issue, again, regardless of her PTSD. Because- as someone who was uncomfortable around drinking anyway who was then abused by someone while they were drunk, you have every right to not want to be around drunk people. You have every right to say you're uncomfortable and not want it. That's your right. She is an adult who believes she is now in control and wants a drink with friends now and again. That's her right. She has every right to have a drink. One of you would need to concede something there or this will be an issue again and again.

You have to take care of yourself, too. If you got serious with her again and she fell back to her old ways, how would you respond? Would you be right back where you were? You say in your post you're getting counseling for depression, would her having any sort of episode or even having a drink make that harder for you? You can never guarantee she won't show some of those behaviors again. She can't guarantee it either. It's always going to be there, no matter how long you're together, no matter how long ago it was. It's your call, you two know your own relationship better than anyone else from the outside can, but it doesn't sound like it something either of you should jump back into or take lightly. No matter what you decide there isn't an easy road here.

I'm glad you're both working on yourselves, trying to be happy in your own right and getting therapy. I hope that you can come to a solution that makes you both healthier, happier, and safe. Absolute best of luck to you both.

 

[aaaaa1]

Thank you so much for this very considerate post. One thing that I left out of my account was serious, unfaked solidarity and support that she's shown me since her recovery. The incident with her drinking was only one thing, and came at a period where, for several months, I'd been unpredictably, uncontrollably angry over things that had happened in our past, and it looked like the relationship was over. I'm not defending it -- I think it was a terrible thing for her to do -- but it does sit in that context, of our relationship trouble during that time, and also the context of her broader consideration and support over a much longer period. The terrible things that you mention in the first paragraph were aspects of a hostile, paranoid, disordered set of behaviours that haven't been evident since her recovery. That doesn't of course mean that I'm not still afraid of them! But back then I repressed my fear and anxiety when I was around her, in order to be able to tell myself things were meant to be; now I know and acknowledge the fear and anxiety, but also have much more experience of what a healthy relationship would be like. Still I know this doesn't mean that the relationship is possible.

The two broader points that you open up are really important to me. If we were to stay together, it would have to be on a very different footing, where I'm able to feel more trustful and not constantly in danger of being betrayed or hurt. I often think this would be easier if we'd broken up immediately when her abusive behaviour started -- then if we'd met post-recovery the nature of the enormous difference would be clear, rather than something that I'd constantly doubt, and for which I'd always feel the need for more proof. (I could even have decided, clearsightedly, that the difference was not enough). Hopefully it will become clear over the next few months whether that different basis for a relationship is possible or not. I've never been that good at working out whether or not to proceed with a relationship, so that's tricky for me. I do know that if I'd only ever known her in her periods of wellness there's no one else I would want to be with; and that she only wants to be well, and regrets having had so much of her life overshadowed by PTSD.

And yes, it would be a catastrophic reversion for me if I ever had to experience her illness again. It would be for her, too. Any sort of episode would damage us both terribly. We're going to need to sit down and talk about this together at some point, to try and work out more thoroughly what was happening before, and whether (and it what form) it might ever come back.

Many thanks again for your thought-provoking post. I hope that you're finding the support that you need here!