Triggered Over Self Love

[dougyhowzer]

So this morning I had a conversation with my Girlfriend regarding my inner child , and how my inner child has been screaming to be let out now for a very long time and to be loved and nourished.

I realized that I needed to start listening to my inner child and find ways to nourish him and give us the love we desperately have needed for such a long time.

As a child I never saw myself being loved . As a result, I find myself as a child trapped in a adult body.

So I am making an effort to reconnect with my inner child and find he really needs. I was triggered in my conversation with my Girlfriend , because I wanted to have fun and go to an amusement park , unfortunately her day was all ready full with many scheduled plans she had already made.

I became very angry and wanted to scream at her because I felt she was denying my inner child love and attention. What I realized however is that I was expressing all the pain and anger I had towards my caregivers on to her.

I know that I need to start loving myself, but love has always been a foreign concept to me , let alone learning to love myself will be a new challenge and I don't even know how that works entirely.

But I believe loving myself is absolutely vital to the healing process.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@dougyhowzer .

My inner 'Little Laurie' became the singularly most important person for me to get to a safe place. Self loving and nurturing him for week after week until he and I felt safe. It can be a treacherous journey to heal your inner child. I found my inner child rebelling against me for not protecting him.

Basically I realised that I was punishing myself for not being able to stand up for myself as a small boy. Of course I could not have protected myself at such a young age. I realised that this symbolism was letting me know that it was ok to self love. My inner child and I are now comfortable and safe with each other.

Kindest regards

Laurie.

 

[Changing4Best]

My inner child and I have had over 10 years of therapy now, including a therapist that hugged me after each session for about 5 years. I still miss her, but she moved on to a different practice for which I did not qualify. Getting hugs from folks is a good start. If your girlfriend cannot do something with you, at least hug her and let her go do what she needs to do. That way you will feel loved before she leaves. Then find something fun to do on your own, so that you as the parent are taking your inner child out for some fun.

Suggestions might be to go out for an ice cream cone, go swing on the swings at the park or even just go for a walk in the park. Good luck!

 

[dougyhowzer]

Thanks for the replies . My girlfriend and I totally agree that I need to be able to love myself , I believe that by letting her love herself first , she is teaching me how to love myself as well .

We both want to love and support each other ; we totally strive to do that, but we need be able to love ourselves first and let that love for ourselves flow out into our relationship .

 

[lmizutani]

I'm the girlfriend in question. We are looking at taking care of ourselves and learning to love ourselves first. Although I am not a PTSD sufferer, I did grow up in an environment where comparisons were made amongst the relatives about how I "disappointed" them. I had learned through various sources that we need to take time to take care of ourselves as best we know how. I want to help him find what the inner child of his needs, as well as introduce him to my inner child. We had also talked about my scheduling stuff and I told him that I had booked up today so that I can free myself up for tomorrow (Thursday) to join him in his counseling session and for him to join me at a college open house that may be a future career path for me. And spend some time together in between.

I wanted to also say that I had seen glimpses of that happy child in him that is struggling to come out. I believe that his inner child had been terrified to the point of going into hiding for the longest time and only now is starting to believe that it is safe to tentatively put a toe in the water so to speak. One of my childhood nicknames was "Chicken of the Sea" so that analogy is the best way I can describe it.

Toe in, quickly out. Toe in again, slowly allow the foot to go in. Foot out. Foot slowly going back in, put weight on that foot and venture to put the other foot in. Both feet deciding maybe not yet. Both feet out. Toe in. Toe out. Toe in. Foot in. Other foot in. Slowly walk in.

It is a process, it will take a while and we will probably go back and forth in the meantime. At least that is my journey to my own self love, which took a beating when I was laid off in February. I believe that my boyfriend will someday get there.

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Belief in each others abilities is so important @dougyhowzer .

Your belief in your girlfriends resolve, and her belief in yours, should strengthen the resolve in both of you, in believing in your own inner strength and resolve to achieve your goals and more importantly with the right level of therapeutic input and give and take from both of you I believe you find that equilibrium in life.

I have members on here comment on my threads at how brave I am and what a Survivor. I am just an ordinary everyday UK male who has PTSD issues.

I have taken my inner strength from the relationships I have gained here on the site. It has made me believe in myself again.

Members here believed I could come back from my major trigger just over 6 weeks ago. They were right, I did.

I wish you both every success in your PTSD Recovery Journey together

Kindest regards

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 20280]

It is a process, it will take a while and we will probably go back and forth in the meantime. At least that is my journey to my own self love, which took a beating when I was laid off in February. I believe that my boyfriend will someday get there.

Welcome @lmizutani and you are so right, this is a the start of a potentially up and down road to recovery for both of you, I am so pleased to see a sufferer and their supporter on the site together.

Remember that you both have an earlier you from growing up and identifying with that Inner Child is one of the best ways to stat the selff love process.

:hug:s to you both from the UK if you accet them.

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

How do you get that inner child to come out? Well, you let him, or rather her in my case know that you will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to fight for him/her. I am an extremely protective person regarding the people I love, and she is no exception. She knows I will go to battle to protect her at all costs. She needed to know this in order to feel safe, and now she has no problems coming out. Well, at first she wanted to come out all the time, but now, its not that she is hiding so much, as that she doesn't feel the need to be seen all the time.

I have a feeling your inner child is much the same. Nobody was there to protect him then, so he needs you to step up and protect him now. And I'm not saying that you "protect" in a way that hurts other people (like fighting with your girlfriend if you don't get your way), rather you fight so that your inner child doesn't feel vulnerable. He will finally feel that someone is on his side, and when he feels safe, WATCH OUT because you're going to want to run around like a little kid and just have fun all day long LOL.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

I am an extremely protective person regarding the people I love, and she is no exception. She knows I will go to battle to protect her at all costs.

I located my 'Little_Laurie' in a very dark place and nurtured him out gently, when I knew he and I were safe with each other I posted the following thread; https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-share-my-poem-for-all-to-see-this-explains-why-i-am-me.44576/

This poem really sums up that journey of finding him and re-assuring him he was safe now.

 

[NovemberStar]

Someone on here recently said the reason they can't stand being told to 'self care' is because it triggers them badly - because that's all they did as a child - self care. But in childhood it used as was survival, and was on a basis of severe threat / desperation.

They said (apologies for not remembering who!) that when a T / significant other made the suggestions to 'self love' and 'self-soothe' it was like being sent back to themselves; that the person they had reached out to for support was essentially suggesting they look within (and not outside) for support. While this is a good thing to be able to do, if the inner self (inner child) has been heavily traumatised it can feel incredibly invalidating - not to mention very very scary.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Can you plan on another day to go to the amusement park. I find that meeting my wants and needs essential so when I am disappointed in not being able to do the things I want to do now and arranging to do it another time helps me tremendously. I commend for you for embarking on self love. It really changed my life for the better. I am so much better about meeting my wants and needs now. Learning how not to get my hopes up really helps too.

 

[Melissa D]

@dougyhowzer Oh a kindred spirit! I have also felt "Less Loved" than what my spirit longed for. For years and after I was all grown up, I saw a counselor who specialized in child abuse. One of the most important things I learned from her was how important it is to maintain my "role" as an adult during interactions. During our sessions discussing this topic, she encouraged me interact with my inner child. I spent a lot of time in my bedroom, with a journal and looking in a mirror, reflecting/ talking to myself. Acknowledgement was what my inner child needed. Just to be seen and validated not shunned or locked away.

I encourage you to take the time to self-reflect, if you haven't already done so, journal the key memories you recall about events that helped forge your emotional self, (I was the shortest/ smallest kid and classmates would try to lock me in dark/ tight spaces- that made me .... my parents fought about.....). Find out what it is that your inner child really needs, not just what you think he needs- whether it be attention, love, amusement, then do what you are able to give it to yourself. I can tell you from my own experience that just looking in the mirror and acknowledging my little self was a huge burden lifted.

Good luck to you on your journey,
Melissa