Afraid To Tell My Guy About My Ptsd Because Of Some Things He Said

[silkleaves]

So, I've been seeing this guy for about a month and a half, we met online and talked for about a month before that. Things have gotten very close between us, which makes me both happy and terrified. He has said he feels like I'm holding back and not expressing myself, but a lot of that is because I have a horrible habit of over-analyzing everything (from something like a relationship, to what brand of bread to buy...I'm consistent) and I'm trying so hard not to let my fears come through that I'm sort of shutting down a bit...I'm not sure about anything, more less if what I feel is the right thing to even feel. But I really do like this guy.

Anyway, yesterday I talked with a good friend of mine who has some mental health problems, along with other things,and shes having some problems in her marriage. Shes a stay at home mom on disability and her husbands mother helps her out with the kids. I told him a bit about what was going on, and got a bit of insight to his thoughts on mental illness..

He said it sounds to him like she needs to get out of the house, which I do agree with, because she feels trapped in there. But he questioned how being mentally ill means she cant work..just get on the right meds and some therapy and go to work. I was like, it does not work like that...if she could work she would, but she has a valid reason why she is unable to work. He could not wrap his head around that, and said if she doesn't have anything physically wrong with her, she's not disabled and can work.

That really freaked me out in a way, because I've been trying to get myself moving on filing for disability, and just really worried about how he will take that...but then also, his idea of...just take meds and go to therapy and that'll solve it, that scared me too. Oh, on top of that, he said..he would have no issue with being in a relationship with someone who had a mental illness, as long as they were on meds and going to therapy...neither of which I am doing.... the meds were not helping and I got kicked out of therapy. But I have been doing everything possible on my own and working hard to keep myself as grounded as possible.

He did also say, that if he were seeing someone with a mental illness, he would want to know..that way if there was an episode, he would be able to understand it has something to do with that and be somewhat prepared mentally for it that, instead of being in the dark and having no clue. Which I can understand and the reason I was gearing up to talk to him about it, but then after this other stuff he said, I'm absolutely terrified.

Part of me is like..okay forget it, there's no way I can tell him now...and just give up. But another part of me is like, odds are he has no understanding because he's never actually had to personally deal with someone who has a mental illness, and if he does care about me as he says he does, then maybe opening up a line of communication will encourage him to try and understand things better. But I don't think I can keep seeing him and not tell him.

Just really scared about this right now, because I don't want to assume this will be a deal-breaker and throw in the towel, but I also don't want to assume he will be sensitive and try to be understanding, then make myself vulnerable and expose myself to him only to have him say oh heck no, it's been great but I don't want you now.

I'm falling hard for this guy, and would rather know sooner than later if this is something that will be the end of us...before it would hurt too much for that to happen. Just...some advice and encouragement would be really helpful. Last night I fell asleep in his arms and woke up this morning in his arms and all I've felt since then is that is the last time, and I'm just, once again, fooling myself into thinking anyone would want a future with me when they could be with anyone else who doesn't have these issues. I'm already heartbroken and nothing has even changed...yet.

 

[silkleaves]

Oh, and another thing...he did date a girl who had a lot of issues, and he had to Baker Act her after she made an attempt on her life. He said he could never go through something like that again, because she really scared him and he can't live day to day with someone, knowing they are capable of doing something like that to themselves, that once was enough.

I have a very visible scar, but I wear a watch that sort of hides it, so he does not know....at least I'm guessing he has not noticed it, else he probably would not have told me that about his ex. But of course, now thinking about his feelings about that, it just has me worried. It was something I did nearly 15 years ago, but the scar is still there, opening me up to being judged for it.

Really don't know if I'm over thinking this, if me giving him a chance would be...giving him a chance to show he is there for me, or giving him a chance to walk away because I'm not worth it. This is such a horrible feeling... Everything else about this guy is wonderful...if I didn't have PTSD, this would be so easy. But I do have it, and ARGH I hate the cards I've been dealt. I really wish I could choose, that it really was as easy as just take some meds and go to therapy. I wish this wasn't something that I have to plop on the table with a "you're free to walk away now..I know you want to..."

 

[desiderata310]

FIRST: (I hold fast to this) PTSD IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS. It a condition brought on by trauma. That should be clarified.

SECOND: Go ahead and tell him NOW and voice your concerns about his reactions. Honestly, you owe it to yourself.
His judgmental attitude about mental health problems is not very conducive to a relationship with you. Putting yourself in this kind of box is mean and hurtful to you. Don't hurt yourself for this guy. No one is worth your self esteem.
If he walks away it is HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS. I'd just put it out there and say,

"hey! I've heard what you have to say and I need to let you know that this is my reality:
"I have PTSD because of ... whatever happened. It may not be forever but it is my reality right now.
"I am working on it but I am not on (or do need or don't believe in meds) and I am between therapists/ managing my symptoms without assistance/whatever.
"I need to consider taking disability so that I can properly heal.
"I have heard what you said about people who have these issues but you have also been around me and have seen me for who I am and I am certain that you can see that I am not malingering or weak. I just need to treat myself well. This is not something one just "gets over"
"Do you still feel the same way about mental health issues?
"If you would like to be a part of my life you have to be ok with this; if you are not, then you shouldn't be in my life because you will be toxic for ME and will be an hamper to my healing."

Put the weight of this on him and hell, make HIM feel like an ass. I am sick of people making us look and feel bad. This is HIS hang up- not yours.

Just my $1.02 (adjusted for inflation)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hope for the best but expect the worst? In my experience, people are either supportive from the get-go or they just don't have it in them. If he has already shown his judgmental side, then that is something to be worked through. But, he has also shown that he does have an understanding side. You really don't have a choice but to sit him down and tell him. But, be prepared for a fall out----He's seen you at your best and likely won't understand why you need disability at all. I am not trying to be harsh, rather sharing my opinion based on my experiences.

So, tell him. Most "normal" non-PTSD relationships don't work out, and we have a lot more obstacles to overcome. I say this because if he isn't willing to understand and support you, no matter what, then throw him back. Don't waste your time on someone who isn't behind you 100%.[DOUBLEPOST=1405539710,1405539508][/DOUBLEPOST]This is just my two cents, but I honestly think that being out of treatment right now is going to work against your disability claim. Why should the government pay you to not work when you won't even work to heal yourself (in their eyes)? Get yourself into some sort of treatment to support your claim. (Sorry, off topic, I know)

 

[The Albatross]

Oh good grief. Have the conversation.

 

[Hashi]

Really don't know if I'm over thinking this, if me giving him a chance would be...giving him a chance to show he is there for me, or giving him a chance to walk away because I'm not worth it. This is such a horrible feeling... Everything else about this guy is wonderful...

At a month and a half, you don't know him. Sorry. All you know is what you hope he is, and how you hope things can be between you. The horrible feeling isn't because this is such a great guy with maybe an obstacle coming up between you, but that you and the guy might not be essentially compatible. If you're not, then it's better to find out now and get it over with.

he would have no issue with being in a relationship with someone who had a mental illness, as long as they were on meds and going to therapy...neither of which I am doing.... the meds were not helping and I got kicked out of therapy.

Actually this sounds very fair to me if it was meds OR going to therapy - which I imagine could probably be open to explanation.

Could I ask - what does "I got kicked out of therapy" mean? I'm wondering why you say that in the way you do. I'm imagining there could be all sorts of valid reasons, and perhaps some reasons which aren't so appealing. To simply say "I got kicked out" is problematic for me, and I'm a sufferer. It makes me imagine all kinds of attitude, and that might not even be fair but it's what your words suggest to me.

I'm wondering, if you put yourself in his shoes what you might need genuine reassurance about. If you were considering a relationship with someone with PTSD, wouldn't you want them to be taking medication or seeing a therapist? "Got kicked out of" something that he might see as a sign of commitment to working on a relationship/a future, doesn't seem very reassuring to me. Maybe you could explain it in a more reassuring way?

 

[Friday]

Really don't know if I'm over thinking this, if me giving him a chance would be...giving him a chance to show he is there for me, or giving him a chance to walk away because I'm not worth it. This is such a horrible feeling... Everything else about this guy is wonderful...if I didn't have PTSD, this would be so easy. But I do have it, and ARGH I hate the cards I've been dealt. I really wish I could choose, that it really was as easy as just take some meds and go to therapy. I wish this wasn't something that I have to plop on the table with a "you're free to walk away now..I know you want to..."

In backwards order:

1) Each of us are always free to walk away. That's part of our free-world rights & responsibilities.

2) People don't leave because you're not worth it. People leave because it's not a good fit / it's not working / wanting different things out of life / etc. Regardless of how badly the "why" might get described by someone who's immature or hurt, that's the bottom line. Breaking up with someone doesn't mean there is a single thing wrong with the other person. It's not a judgement call over worth. It's a judgement call over needs/wants/desires.

Most of my exes are amazing, wonderful, freaking outstanding people. A whole lot of them I'm still friends with years and decades later. I didn't break up with them (or they with me, but for pronouns sake I'm going to keep it simple) because they suck, aren't worth my time, aren't good people, don't have value, etc. I broke up with them because to continue dating them would be unfair. I knew that I didn't posses the things they needed/wanted, or they didn't posses things that I wanted/needed. It's not a failure on either of our parts as people. It's a sign of respect. Allowing both myself and them to find someone with whom they can find those line items. Not doing so, when I or they know that it's not going to work? It's both manipulative & cruel (to string someone along thinking it is working).

This is what dating is supposed to figure out. The points of intersection & conflict so that each person can decide if the two of them are a good fit / can make a life with each other. Im not saying to do the "Whoomph!" dump A-Z from day 1 (that just scares people away). There's that "can I like you on a basic level" before a "do our life goals align, or conflict, and where".

What I am saying is that your needs & wants are just as important as anyone else's.

If his and your needs & wants don't line up?

That's all there is to it. They don't line up. Doesn't mean anything more than that. Doesn't mean either of you aren't worth it, are bad people, aren't good enough, etc. You can both be amazing, awesome, wonderful people... Who would just not be good together. No matter how amazing you each are singly.

 

[silkleaves]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies! I actually worked myself into a frenzy while at work today. I'm going out of town tomorrow for a week, and knew that I would think myself to death if I left without telling him, so I went to see him to get it over with, and I'm glad I did... I told him what I'm dealing with and how the stuff he said concerns me.

He elaborated a bit with the stuff that he said, that in past relationships, he has been with two women he was in a relationship with, both of them had violent episodes against him, and even though he tried to make things work, it was too much for him because neither of them were trying to get help and the one only because he had to have her Baker Acted after she threatened him with a knife and then locked herself in the bathroom where she made an attempt on her own life. He said he would never hold it against anyone, just that after what he's been through, he has to know that they are at least trying to do something about it.

I told him about the meds and therapy situation, and what I'm doing now to cope with things...I didn't tell him exactly what I went through that caused my PTSD, I'm not ready for that yet, but he asked me a few questions about what I'm going through, like how it affects me now and for some examples and also what I'm doing now to try and cope with things. He said that so far, there's nothing about me that concerns him or gives him any reason to not want to keep seeing me...that with anyone, it takes time to see all sides of a person and he can't say one way or another if this is something he can deal with or not, because he hasn't experienced it with me yet....just like how I might find there are things about him that concern me as I get to know him better. He asked that as a matter of respect for each other, we talk about things as they come up so that we can see if its something we can work on together...which seems fair.

This is just my two cents, but I honestly think that being out of treatment right now is going to work against your disability claim. Why should the government pay you to not work when you won't even work to heal yourself (in their eyes)? Get yourself into some sort of treatment to support your claim. (Sorry, off topic, I know)

Whether or not I am in treatment would not affect my claim if I file. The military takes responsibility for anything proved to have happened during service that affects the quality of life for a soldier and my PTSD is already on file as military service connected. The only way I would be paid not to work is if I were to be awarded 100% full and total disability...which I don't qualify for nor expecting. Ratings go from 0%-100%, and each level has a veterans benefit attached to it. Sort of a "Hey, sorry we screwed you up, hope this makes up for it" sort of thing.

It's not that I won't work to heal myself... I was on meds for nearly a year, every month I had an evaluation, and every month I would tell my psychiatrist that they were not making any difference for me. She kept saying it's not instant, to give it time, but month after month of hearing this, I'll admit, I was getting frustrated. I anyway don't like to take meds of any type (I wont even take cold medicine...) but would have continued if it was benefiting me in some small way.

@Hashi, I got kicked out of therapy because I didn't leave my home and didn't go to group for 3 weeks. Because of that, the system automatically processed me out of group therapy. My therapist explained what happened, and told me that we could do one on one sessions instead, but I'll admit, I was feeling pretty hopeless and didn't want to take up the time from someone else who can be helped. My therapist was pretty understanding... she knows my history that avoidance is one of my biggest issues, and said that I fell through the cracks of how the system works...that I'm not the first this has happened to, and not alone in this, and when I'm ready to try again I can go back. I'm just not ready to yet...I don't trust myself to not screw up again.

I'm wondering, if you put yourself in his shoes what you might need genuine reassurance about. If you were considering a relationship with someone with PTSD, wouldn't you want them to be taking medication or seeing a therapist?

I meditate, do the coping techniques I learned in group, try to recognize my triggers when I have an episode, come on here for support... if from an outsiders view am not doing enough and I'm all kinds of messed up without realizing it, like yeah, if down the line hes genuinely concerned and needs that kind of reassurance, and feels that I need to be on meds and in therapy, then I would take that to heart. But at the same time, I know I would feel like everything I've been trying to do means nothing... I already have my doubts that anyone would want to be with me anyway and not trying to make anyones life harder, so if he did feel that way about me, I'd probably end the relationship so that I can just focus on working on myself. It's kind of like with therapy, I'd feel guilty taking up someones time when someone else could take my place and be better off.

And I don't want to be a downer or negative about it, I've read the supporters threads, I don't want to cause anyone that kind of misery. If it turns out I'm still not ready for a relationship, then well..I'll just have to take more time and yeah, do more to be better before I try that again. Hearing that where I am at now is not reassuring to you does sort of give me pause...that maybe I'm getting too caught up in this whole thing and not being realistic about it that I'm even able to be in a relationship right now.

Breaking up with someone doesn't mean there is a single thing wrong with the other person. It's not a judgement call over worth. It's a judgement call over needs/wants/desires.

Most of my exes are amazing, wonderful, freaking outstanding people.

I understand what you're saying, unfortunately, my ex's haven't really been wonderful or outstanding.. My last ex told me that the one thing they all have in common is me, and that they all cheated on me, and that I need to evaluate why there is always someone better than me and none of them felt I was worth being with. He did later apologize for saying that and said he didn't mean it, that I'm "a beautiful person" and don't deserve to be treated that way, but...there was truth in what he said.

All the same, I do hold out hope that maybe there is someone who will not think that way about me. Less hope the more time that goes by, but..I still have a little bit left. Anyway, I digress...cause I'm starting to depress myself. It's only been a month and a half with this guy..I'm not hoping for anything other than that we can continue to get to know each other and enjoy the time we spend together. This is something I wanted to tell him before either of us get emotionally invested...if it's going to end because I have PTSD, I'd rather he know that now than later when it would hurt even more. And I did that...so now I guess just wait and see how things unfold.

 

[silkleaves]

I'm back home, and well.. thankful that I was out of town cause after this thread, was kind of feeling like I didn't deserve to be in a relationship, but..didn't want to tell him over the phone and was waiting til I was back. Long story short, he said he wants to get to know me and decide for himself, and hopes that I'm willing to relax and not let the stuff I'm scared of get in the way of where things are going.

Anyway, maybe I don't deserve it, and maybe I'm being a bit selfish...a lot selfish I guess, cause I've read the supporter threads and know how hard it can be for them and feel guilty for even trying here...but at least I did tell him so I'm not being a total lair and making him think I'm something I'm not.

Even if it doesn't seem that way, I am doing what I can, and I am a lot better now than I was a couple years ago. I'm not totally confident, obviously..but guess I'm not ready to just give up yet. I'll probably get hurt again, but at least this time around, I won't be so surprised when it happens. Just will, try to take the moment and the feeling of not being completely alone, at least while this lasts.

 

[Friday]

Good on ya.
Let him decide for him.
Let you decide for you.

It's way too much pressure to be both people in a relationship
Or to be zero people. (Jane says... She only knows when someone wants her.)

(Deciding what's best for you is your job. Deciding what's best for him is his job. One of the most relaxing things about parenting, is that as your kids get older, they start being able to make their own decisions! Its a great exercise in trust when it's you're kids, though, because in the beginning you do know better. And they choose wrong. But learning to choose is important. Adults? I have made the decision never to make "their" decisions again. Either overtly, by stealing their agency and not allowing them to make their own choices, or covertly by manipulating them into making the choice I have decided is best for them. I'm guilty of both. Shudder. And it's exhausting. Never again. Which probably means next week, but at least I can catch myself at it and stop!)

______

Oh! Just as an update to my/your last post: Most of my exes are stellar. Which is why I used them as a description of a healthy relationship/breakup. The last one, though? Fractured my skull and strangled me, and the one before that stuck a loaded shotgun in my mouth. Took me ages to realize -after I whacked him with it and split- that he wasn't trying to kill himself. Crickets. Yeah. Denial much? Anyhow, 2 abusive schmucks in a row. And I am the common denominator. But that means that I chose assholes. Not that I'm the asshole. That would be them. Trying to place the blame on me. Because that's what abusive schmucks do. So your ex saying that you chose assholes? Well. He would know. Because he's the asshole. He thinks his being an asshole he can blame on you? Good try, mister-accepts-no-responsibility-and-blames-other-people-for-his-own-actions. Nope. Not your fault he's a cheating jerk. Or anyone else he cheats on. Knowing that your taste is suspect is a good thing. But choosing jerks doesn't make you them. It just means you need better taste. You can learn that.

 

[silkleaves]

I really appreciate that @FridayJones ... I do have a habit of choosing for guys, not in the way of being controlling (though I have a friend who says I am passive-aggressive and controlling in a way) but in that if someone is kind to me, I either assume they want to use me for something, or I don't deserve them, someone else would be better for them, and then I either end things or sabotage it. Except with jerks...yeah, those guys I keep around.

Using parenting as an example was excellent, cause that I can relate to! I completely trust kiddo to make decisions for herself, she is 17 now, and well..that was my whole goal, to be able to raise her so that she didn't have to depend on me for every little thing, I want her to be self-sufficient and confident in her choices. I'm always here if she needs me, but I trust her. Trust is the big thing that I have an issue with when it comes to men. Both that I have a hard time trusting them, and also that I have a hard time trusting myself, that I am making the right decision to be with them.

I do need better taste in men, that is for very sure. In the moment, when a guy told me it was my fault he cheated, that I was being petty for ending things over something like that, I really believed something was wrong with me, that I just didn't deserve someone who would treat me better than that. On reflection though, everything you are saying is right. There is a lot of truth though, in that whole thing, that you have to value yourself for anyone else to be able to...that is something I have a hard time with.