Relationship Question For Sufferers

[Glara]

I've been reading as much as I can about what sufferers experience but of course I'll never truly understand it. Is there anyone that can try to explain what causes you to withdraw from intimate relationships. I keep reading stress, even good stress and overload etc etc, but I just don't get it. My sufferer is working overtime, going out and doing things, but withdrawing from me. He's contacting me less and less frequently. I just don't understand what is happening in his head. Is there anyone that is able to try to explain it.

 

[scout86]

I don't know what's going on in his head. He's the only person who can tell you that and he may not know himself. Have you asked him?

I can say this. Work can be a distraction. "Going out and doing things" can be a distraction. You can use them, just like drugs, to avoid stuff that you want to avoid, if that's what you want to do. That might be true, PTSD or not. A relationship, though, with someone who actually expects you to be "present" and involved, is an whole different deal. It's more demanding. It's more fraught with potential for disaster. Sometimes it's easier to avoid it than deal with it. Even if you also want the relationship. It IS hard to explain. It probably doesn't make sense, because it doesn't make sense.

I hope you find some good answers to your questions! If you look around, you'll see that this one gets asked a lot and there have been many attempts to answer it. (Most of them better than this one!)

 

[Glara]

Thanks, your answer helps a little. No, I haven't asked him, he barely texts anymore. When he does he just says "hi". The only way he'll talk more is if it's casual stuff. I told him a got a new car and we actually discussed that. But I haven t heard from him since, that was 3 days ago. This is a long distance relationship so the only contact is through texting. Haven't talked on the phone in months. This seems to have been triggered when he became I'll with pneumonia and then it got worse after he told me he has PTSD, from severe childhood abuse. We dated when we were young and rekindled back in March, although we've been chatting for 6 yrs. Now I don't know what to do. So I'm just reading and trying to figure it out.

 

[shimmerz]

From my experience it is a desperate need to be safe but also a desperate and very real inability to believe that you ever can be safe. It leads to general chaos in the mind. A push pull type of mindset.
That leaks into work (I must work all the time as I am insecure in my work), friendships, (I must be the BEST friend or I am not safe in this relationship), relationships (a general belief that one cannot be valued or not recognize when one is valued as they are unable to 'take that in', or a pervasive belief that happiness cannot be found for any period of time within a relationship).

It is not words that I trust but instead an 'energy' of people. An energy that displays to me that there is no neediness, that there is loyalty, that there is acceptance, that there is calmness. The more someone asks me what is wrong, the more I feel like I am deficient and the more I pull away.

 

[Glara]

So it's best to just wait till I hear from him, not tell him I'm worried etc? Sometimes I feel like I won't hear from him again but other times I know I will. This happened when we young too, but he didn't know he had it then. I wouldn't hear from him for months or even a year and then he's pop back in. I wasn't as emotionally invested back then because of my age and the fact that he lived far away. But I could never forget him, or he I. I'm just trying to understand why him telling me about it made him withdraw, and what he's thinking when he withdraws and what a sufferer would want a supporter to do. I want everything I guess lol.

 

[shimmerz]

I'm just trying to understand why him telling me about it made him withdraw, and what he's thinking when he withdraws and what a sufferer would want a supporter to do.

Because he has shown you his most incredible vulnerability perhaps? That might be scary to him. That most likely has taken him down an 'intimate' level that he is not used to. I am not certain what type of relationship this is - a friend or moreso. When one needs safety usually they need someone who is balanced and calm to take the lead and show that they are not thrown off by a chaotic reaction. A knowing that there is no expectation to act 'normally', to perform, no chance of being judged. That builds trust.

 

[Glara]

Btw I appreciate both replies. The more I hear sufferers try to explain it the more helpful it is, even if I don't get it. I mean, I won't ever really get it but it helps to have you explain what you feel and how you act, even when it doesn't make sense. This is such a great guy when he's ok. To me he's so worth it.

 

[Pixi23]

I, myself, withdraw a lot after I have opened up because I feel raw and crappy...the more that person knows my secrets, the more I push them away. I dont know why I do this, I just feel threatened a bit after someone knows my "secrets."

I've had people use them against me in my past so he may a fear of that.Not sure. Because everyone is different. I'm just saying that MY PTSD makes me withdrawal because those people who know the most are the people who could potenially hurt me the most so I end up pushing them away the most.My advice ?Let him know he can always trust you to keep secrets and words confidential.

That if he needs space just say so and you will be there for him when he may need someone. Have your own hobbies and interests and just be a friend.I know this man I used to hang out with insisted on being more than friends and it hurt me because I couldnt feel much emotion and he would talk a lot about love and romance, etc. It hurt ohr friendship because all I really needed was a loyal trust worthy friend who gave me space when I needed it, comofrt when i needed it.Seems like you are a very caring person and it was so.nice of you to be considerate of him and even go to the effort of trying to figure him out.

Give it time and patience, he may never get there...accept what you two have and enjoy that. And if its not enough, then find more of your own interests and hobbies.

 

[Glara]

In our case it's always been a romantic relationship and when we rekindled it, he came in very strong and was very happy that I was still interested. After he told me about his Ptsd and the reason for it, I told him some very personal things about me as well. I'm sure they upset him, but that was a month ago. He's still been I touch but it is becoming less frequent. I'm also concerned about his depression and thoughts of suicide. I'm not around to check on him so it makes it worse.

Again, I really appreciate everyone's answers. The more you explain what you're feeling, the better I can gues what he might be feeling, even if it isn't exactly the same, which I'm sure it isn't. It's just hard to understand, especially since he was pushing for the relationship so much in the beginning.

 

[Ryn]

For me, I feel a lot of guilt and shame for "inflicting myself" onto someone I love. I feel utterly unworthy of them and am very afraid of hurting them simply with my presence, and in my mind my withdrawal is for their own protection (from me). When I withdraw, part of me wishes I could talk to the person, but another part feels it is safer (albeit lonelier) to isolate, for both of us. But I can also relate to everything the others posted about, so it's difficult to tell exactly what might be going on in your situation. Still, that's another possible perspective, especially if you know your sufferer has issues with shame and low self-esteem.

 

[shimmerz]

"inflicting myself" onto someone I love

I say this all the time......

 

[Glara]

I soooo don't see him that way.