How Do You Live Life After Ptsd?

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Notsowild - I thought that I would be "better" in a few months. I learned it doesn't work that way. I fought to accept the diagnosis. I resisted that life was different (I forgot everything, I was angrier, I was scared of everything...). After about 7 months of therapy I accepted that life with PTSD was going to be different and that a few months of therapy doesn't cure it. Then, I was coming to learn that I had DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I fought that. It was easier to accept that life with PTSD was going to be hard and different. I still fight for my life to be the same as it used to be, but whenever I do things get worse.

Here's an example. When we moved recently, we wanted curtains for our boys's bedrooms so they'd sleep longer. We got the curtains and spent a long time searching for the kind of rods we wanted. My aunt messaged me that she's seen some so we planned to go on a Saturday morning. It was one of those mornings when as soon as I got up, I wanted to go back to bed and I think I did. Once I was up and showered, I knew we needed to go. I questioned whether we should as both boys were tired and cranky. I was tired and cranky. But I thought, nah, quick trip in and out, I can do that. Who couldn't handle that. So we went and I screamed at my kids in the store and I cried and it was miserable.

That was me trying to live life the same way as before. Since that incident, I have been careful about not going out (when there is a clear choice), when I know I won't be able to stay calm. I am learning to listen to my body and make choices accordingly. It's hard and I would definitely choose not to deal with it if I could, but I can't so I am learning to figure things out little by little.

Oh, and I, too, thought I was pretty smart and went through that period of thinking I must be so stupid and weak. That was the PTSD talking, it's not reality. I am sure the same is true for you. You are frustrated and that's okay. I hope that little by little you will get through this rough patch.

 

[Notsowild]

I understand PTSD as a condition that has periods of getting worse, and getting better--as I improve my skills of living with it. So I live with it, and get through exacerbations, but I don't ever not have it.
Does that make since? What are your thoughts about this?

Yes I am very grateful I have a terrific T and psychiatrist. I don't see them as much now that I'm back at work. And that's funny I was just looking into craniosarcal therapy?

Oh I agree about improving your skills in order to live with this. Holding a job with PTSD is hard. There are so many personalities to deal with. Then I had ( have) the boss from hell. She's been good with me so far but it's just another stressor I need to deal with. I really just want to run away and cry most days.[DOUBLEPOST=1406485216,1406485075][/DOUBLEPOST]@Solara ... Can you tell me about the three stages of recovery?

 

[tired of the fight]

when it comes to PTSD, i think the word "should" should be taken out of the English vocabulary. I had a T tell me that. Because I always felt like I should be able to this and I should be able to do do that. Just because we did one thing today, doesn't mean we can tomorrow. Everyday is a different day. I'm still trying to find ways to work around the symptoms and keep a routine. I don't have much family support and I have 3 kids 8 and under. It's so hard someday's . I freeze up, get overwhelmed easily and thinking about school starting has me about terrified. How am I going to be able to to do everything like a "normal" person. It is quite trying and scares me.... what if i get to tired... and my mind and body just give out over so much stress. I had a hard time accepting myself... I still do. Accepting the ptsd 2 yrs ago, then unaccepting as I'm told just get over it, it's been 4 yrs... and so on. Its just hard and I'm so tired!

 

[Notsowild]

Notsowild, May I ask you some questions? When were you diagnosed? when did you come to know that you have ptsd symptoms and hit by traumatic life events?
I guess you must be having feeling hopelessness there. You are doing good, it will take time. That doesn't mean you will have to stay in therapy forever. Just carry on therapy and one day it will be over. You will learn a lot, how to cope. How to manage yourself. You are new and different. One thing I will tell you don't compare to yourself to past. It will be meaningless, since
you are completely different person. Just to save you from unnecessary hurt. :)

Thanks for all your thoughtful words.
I have complex PTSD due to prolonged sexual and physical abuse as a child. I started getting panic attacks in my 30's and was diagnosed with PTSD. Then lots of bad psychiatrists, counsellors and groups later I had the horrific car crash. That brought on so many more crazy symptom plus increased anxiety.

I guess that's the big question. How do I as a different person live in this world? It hasn't changed for me. People ( even friends ) do not understand or care to. I have to try and hold a job. It's just so hard.

 

[Notsowild]

That was me trying to live life the same way as before. Since that incident, I have been careful about not going out (when there is a clear choice), when I know I won't be able to stay calm. I am learning to listen to my body and make choices accordingly. It's hard and I would definitely choose not to deal with it if I could, but I can't so I am learning to figure things out little by little.

Oh, and I, too, thought I was pretty smart and went through that period of thinking I must be so stupid and weak. That was the PTSD talking, it's not reality. I am sure the same is true for you. You are frustrated and that's okay. I hope that little by little you will get through this rough patch.

Sorry for all you have been through. I understand oh so well.
I am frustrated. It's hard to get up and go out in the world. I don't know how I will react to it or vice versa. It's a very cold, cruel world out there if you don't fit in.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

It's a very cold, cruel world out there if you don't fit in.

I agree with that statement. And I know it is hard.

I was reading another post of yours above when you said that you were in a car accident that brought on more symptoms. That's how my journey started. I thought it was "just" the car accident. Then, I began uncovering so much more that happened in my past.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Notsowild,
The three stages of recovery that I follow are 1) safety and stability, 2) processing the trauma, and 3) reintegration with life & society. I believe these are the steps that are outlined in Judith Herman's book (but you don't have to have complex trauma to go through these stages).

I am very much so in the third stage which is reintegration with life & society. I am currently taking classes at a local college and planning for my future. I am working on building & rebuilding relationships. I am at a higher level of functioning than I previously was. However, this doesn't mean I am fully done with steps 1 and 2. My trauma was at an age when the basic concept of safety was being formed (3-4). As such, I think I will always have safety issues, however I am now able to use my coping skills effectively to manage my feelings of being un-safe. I am not completely done with processing, either, as I have had ongoing contact with one of my abusers up until a month ago, and there are unresolved issues that I am still dealing with.

I googled the 4 and 5 step healing models. I found a 5 step healing model but I don't fully agree with it as steps 4 and 5 deal with reaching out and helping others who have been traumatized and/or have PTSD. I know this is not my path in life as I feel that this may be too re-traumatizing for me and I am not going to risk backsliding. I know myself well enough to know that I need a constant pull of normalcy so I do not desire to go back in the trenches and be around those who need support. I realize this may sound selfish to some, however, I need to put myself first. Its like the air masks in airplanes...The adults put their masks on first so they can ensure that the kids are helped, too. (This particular model was victim, survivor, thrivor, server, empowered server. It didn't really have an outline for healing, rather these are the steps one naturally goes through as they heal. Then again, it was put forth by a blogger and not someone educated in psychology/psychiatry.)

 

[RussH]

First I like reading about the three stages of recovery. I had never seen that before.
@Notsowild As I read your post and you made the statement that you were not the same since your trauma, and that is completely understandable. Then I thought, what life events that we experience does not change who we are. There are some great life exeriences that changes us for the better, and negative experiences that have negative impacts on who we are, so change is inevitable.
I think the greater question is: What do we do with that change? The change in your life has been profound, and you are certainly experiences some very negative affects from your trauma. So what are you going to do with the change?

I have decided that I am going to use the change in my life as a motivation to get better; to beat this thing called PTSD. I am using the change to motivate myself to overcome the other long-term effects of my abuse in my life.

It's late and I should be going to bed, so I hope the point I am trying to make is clear, and in no way do I intend anything but, encouragement to you regarding this post. I hope you can see that I am using my experience as a way of encouraging you to turn your change into reslove to beat this thing that plagues your life.

 

[Tanishq]

How do I as a different person live in this world?

I have read your response. You have gone through so much. My ptsd symptoms(I am still undiagnosed, looking for it) and your diagnosis can't be compared, so what works for me may not work for you.

Go slowly. Believe you can develop tools to cope with it. Indeed it is very tough to be in your situation. All I can say is keep believing because I believe 'beliefs' have major impact on your life. It can open the doors for yourself.

I hope this is helping you notsowild. I intend to encourage you. :)

 

[Recovery4Me]

helping others who have been traumatized and/or have PTSD

The 5 step trauma model is not for everybody, however by you sharing your experience with another, to me you have just imparted a piece of your life to someone else in the PTSD zone. Socializing on the outside circle of PTSD has a tad more boundaries for me. Jmho

I do hear what you say about the plane. They use that one a lot in the Balto. area where you are from to avoid codependent behavior (as well as other places). It is sound advice. However in time, I think you will surprise yourself with the knowledge you have gained from Pratt and the strength you can offer. :)

NotsoWild- now you have heard many sides of the same coin ((hugs)).

 

[Notsowild]

Accepting the ptsd 2 yrs ago, then unaccepting as I'm told just get over it, it's been 4 yrs... and so on. Its just hard and I'm so tired!

(((Tired of the fight))) it is so hard. 3 kids under 8 - that's a handful right there. I definetly understand what you're going through. Lets fight this fight together (((Hugs)))

I agree with that statement. And I know it is hard.

I was reading another post of yours above when you said that you were in a car accident that brought on more symptoms. That's how my journey started. I thought it was "just" the car accident. Then, I began uncovering so much more that happened in my past.

I remember my abusive childhood all too well. My earliest memory is of my fathers abuse. I dissociated a lot but as we all know that's a defence
mechanism child use. I was always extremely shy ( I loved hiding in closets).

I left home at 17 and met my ex who was verbally and physically abusive. After leaving him I started getting severe panic attacks and was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Lots of meds, bad T's and groups. Then the accident. kaboom Flashbacks, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle reflex, nightmares, insomnia and in and on. My T said I was more subsceptible because of my previous traumas.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I was always extremely shy ( I loved hiding in closets).

Me, too. I still like to "hide" on the floor or in small spaces. It makes me feel safer. Now I am beginning to understand why.

Then the accident. kaboom Flashbacks, hypervigilance, exaggerated startle reflex, nightmares, insomnia and in and on. My T said I was more subsceptible because of my previous traumas.

My therapist said the same thing.