Does It Ever Really Go Away?

[desiderata310]

I thought that by stopping EMDR my suicidal thoughts and depression would ease off. It did at first but it has gradually ebbed back in and I find myself in a very ugly place this morning.

No one is really aware.
That is to say, I think my therapist is aware of the depression and my suicidal ideation. We talk about it from time to time but not in a couple of weeks. Things in my life have been going really well but somehow that has made it worse- as though not having something to struggle against has made wanting to live that much harder.

It's not like I've been isolating or not exercising.
I went to a party last night and hung out with some lovely people and I am supposed to meet up with someone in an hour to ride.

Right now, I just want to lay down and die. No plans. No active means. Just so tired of the lows. I'm tired of waking up and wishing I had not.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I hear you. That is how I feel also. I want to be free of PTSD. Does it ever go away? Don't know but I do know I have days every week that I wish I were dead. I notice these are days that I have overworked or been exposed to fumes that really make me sick. I cal it failure to thrive. I'm really poor and have my house for sale. If I can lower my expenses then I can do more fun things. Every down mood eventually lift, on that I can depend.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

as though not having something to struggle against has made wanting to live that much harder.

It is weird. Living without a struggle, when you're so used to life being a struggle. Can make you kind of lonely, too, when you are the only one around who thinks that life is strange without it. It takes some getting used to, like wearing a dress when you've never worn one. Let me use a terrible metaphor, because I can't think of anything else:

Imagine you're depressed and you go out and buy yourself a yellow dress (for me, yellow is about happiness). There's no way you're suddenly going to match the dress and be jolly. You're going to have to ease into it, and get used to it. Also, growing into this new dress takes work. It takes observing yourself. Observe the days that you feel really uncomfortable in it, and want to tear it off your body and dump it in the trash can. That's okay, just observe the feeling though. You ARE NOT that feeling.

You are not your depression. What you feel, that's sadness, and it's most probably fear. Fear that PTSD won't go away, and that it will keep you in its iron grip. But it will not, because you are not PTSD. You just suffer from it. It has an eb and a flow to it, it can decrease and then come back in your life at a later point, but the main thing is that you observe it and realize that you are not the drama that goes along with it. That you will overcome the drama.

Eventually, you will realize that even though it is really weird, and new, and uncomfortable, you can get used to the dress. And as you do so, you start to grow into it, and the very fact that you are becoming more like yourself, makes you radiate in your new situation.

 

[scout86]

Maybe having something to struggle against is a kind of distraction. I say "maybe" because I don't know. Maybe there's an element of thinking you don't "deserve" not to be struggling?

Quite a few years ago, I had a good friend who was a Vietnam vet. He had also had a horrible childhood and I'm quite sure he had PTSD and it related to more than just the war. He went through an ugly divorce and an ugly custody battle. He lost custody of his kids, but ended up raising them anyway, because his ex really didn't want to kids, she just wanted to "win" the fight. He raised 2 great kids all the way through to adulthood. He remarried. He shot himself. I had moved far enough away by then that we didn't get much of a chance to talk, so I only have a theory. My theory is that he got everything to where he thought it "should" be, and then had to confront the fact that he still had an unhealed wound in his soul from his childhood and the war. He didn't have any help dealing with the "real" problem and maybe didn't even know what it was. It was too much. (At the time, I didn't know anything about PTSD and didn't realize that my childhood had been a bit unusual too. I just knew we had a connection.)

I guess my point is, we probably have a lot of ways of keeping ourselves busy enough to ignore stuff. Maybe that's what you're experiencing? Things CAN get better. I really believe that. (MY T says so & he promised he wouldn't lie to me.)

 

[greenleaf]

Is it possible that there is sort of a part of you that still hasn't been heard, that feels like it (which is part of you) is now even more alone since another part is sort of moving on? Frozen parts from traumatic periods can have reactions that need to be acknowledged and to not feel abandoned, I'm learning, even for those of us without DID. This isn't necessarily the cause -- if it resonates, though, it might help to explore something along these lines with your T.

 

[desiderata310]

Maybe having something to struggle against is a kind of distraction. I say "maybe" because I don't know. Maybe there's an element of thinking you don't "deserve" not to be struggling?

That actually sounds right.

I guess in a way I don't think I deserve anything good in this life. If something good DOES happen I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Just like I am waiting for my therapist to turn on me. I know he will. Everyone I have every trusted has.

(MY T says so & he promised he wouldn't lie to me.)

My therapist keeps telling me that I can trust him. I can't. It's not in me to do that. It's not that I don't want to.

A few months ago I had very specific plans. I had everything laid out. I said my good byes. I had instructions written up for when I did it for others to follow. I didn't tell anyone here because of the forum rules and I didn't say anything to my therapist. When the danger had passed and I did NOT attempt, I told him. He was shocked but admitted that if he had known he would have had someone at the court house ready to take me to a hospital if I had lost my case because my next stop was to drive to the site I planned to kill myself and follow through.

I guess it could be argued that that's not a reason to not trust him and in a way it's just another reason I don't tell him everything. It's really just another reason I wouldn't trust anyone.

I don't know. My daughter just joined me. That's been a big trigger for me. She's demanding and unforgiving and said with great pride that she and her dad were just alike and that they are both narcissists. THAT didn't go over well.
My oldest son joined me about a month ago and while he tries he still has very serious anger problems. Add to it that he sounds like his dad. This was someone that spent YEARS devaluing me as a person.Another trigger.

Is it possible that there is sort of a part of you that still hasn't been heard, that feels like it (which is part of you) is now even more alone since another part is sort of moving on?

I am only beginning to scratch the surface of what happened as a kid. When I tell my therapist he keeps saying that what happened "wasn't right" and "horrific". *shrug* It was normal for me.

I have gaps in my history. If there's a "part of me" that needs its story told or is concerned that I am moving on, I doubt it has much to fear as I am not really DOING anything in therapy at the moment other than trying to get my brain to calm down enough to get to a place where I am stabilized again and not having as MANY nightmares and flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. At that point, we are supposed to start back again trying to work on all of this again.

You are not your depression. What you feel, that's sadness, and it's most probably fear.

It's more akin to hopelessness. I keep pushing; keep trying to do things. I feel like I've spent every day of my life trying to elbow my way through. Hell, I just sent my thesis in for final review last week but I doubt I will make it to the graduation ceremony. I don't make long term plans. I don't see the point. I don't think that I will be here in ten years, five years, one year.. hell, I am afraid to look much past a few days. I am WEARY. Not fatigued, not in need of a vacation, I need relief and it's never gonna come. I was talking to my therapist about WHY I journal and we got to talking about my suicidal thoughts then. The journaling has actually allowed me to see how OFTEN I get like this. It's very often. (no nothing like a regular cycle- so it's not like it's associated with the time of month)
And I had to admit at that point that it has been an ongoing and pervasive issue for years. When I look at it honestly, I haven't gone more than a few days in for as long as I can remember when it wasn't lurking in the background of everything or when I wasn't actively suicidal (at the really low points) My tendency is to minimize how much and how often I feel like this. My journaling has actually opened my eyes to how long and intensely I have felt like this. It waxes and wanes but it's EVERY. f*ckING. DAY.

I've had the issue with suicide for as long as I can remember.

I guess I'm just tired of fighting.
Damn you, Hammerstein. He said it well: "I'm tired of living and scared of dying."

 

[JustBe]

No. It doesn't go away. Most days I either feel as though I don't exist or I wish I didn't.

 

[Friday]

For me, it did, for over a decade.

Things went very badly, then I made things go very badly in new directions, and somewhere in the chaos I found my balance. I put my life back together. I was happy. I try really, really hard to remember this. Because it was completely on accident. A perfect storm of events, like flipping a coin and having it land on its edge instead of its side. And I was really, really happy.

Past 2 years have been hellish. Took me a year to realize this wasn't just another dip in the road but falling right back in the trenches. And for the past year I've been trying to make the coin land on its edge... But this time on purpose.

Everything has literally gone wrong.
Everything I've poured energy into, everything that worked for 10 years no longer works.

I have to relearn how to do this shit.
And it pisses me off.
But I don't have the excuse of thinking now is forever... Like people who have never found their balance.
I know it can be better.
(And when I'm seriously pissed off, or sad, that makes now even worse).
But, yes.
My experience is that it does change. It does get better.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I guess in a way I don't think I deserve anything good in this life. If something good DOES happen I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Just like I am waiting for my therapist to turn on me. I know he will. Everyone I have every trusted has.

And yet, you are the only one who can change your world. Your therapist doesn't have a responsibility to prove to you that the whole world can be trusted. There's no way that anybody is going to convince you, except yourself. I guess it's a hard change to make, I still struggle with it too.

But now, I recognize paranoid thoughts when they come up in my head. I frequently recognize how I analyze the behavior of other people, and then I see how I put the label "bad intentions" on them. By recognizing these thoughts, I can make them less credible. Not saying I'm a pro at it. When bad times hit, I regress again.

You don't have an obligation to trust your therapist if you can't. But he has no bad intentions. Wanting to hospitalize you because you were planning suicide, is a good intention, it is saying he wants to save your life at a point in your life when you'd rather get rid of it. At a point in your life where you can't see that life is also good. Because it's just impossible to see, I've been there too.

I don't know. My daughter just joined me. That's been a big trigger for me.

I'm not sure how old your kids are, but if you're sick and they trigger you, maybe it would be a good idea to think of some other solution. Them staying with you doesn't sound like a very positive thing.

It's more akin to hopelessness. I keep pushing; keep trying to do things. I feel like I've spent every day of my life trying to elbow my way through. Hell, I just sent my thesis in for final review last week but I doubt I will make it to the graduation ceremony.

You wrote a thesis in your condition! I can't even get through the years of my bachelor with the ups and downs of PTSD. I applaud you for getting that far -this is a huge accomplishment! This should add to the fact that you can trust yourself, and that your fighting has indeed taken you places. Even if the thesis doesn't work out, you have come a long way indeed.

I guess I'm just tired of fighting.

With me its different because I tend to go to extremes -I've been diagnosed with borderline so I can experience intense agony and intense joy. The agony tends to last half a year, then I recuperate, then fall in again. So maybe now and then, I get a breather and it's different from your situation. Still last year, I also had a hard time struggling against suicidal thoughts, and attempts.

But I believe you are on your way. I believe your fighting has gotten you somewhere. And I also believe that despite your hopelessness, you will continue fighting, and it will become easier. Now you.

 

[scout86]

If something good DOES happen I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Boy can I relate to THAT! Exactly!! But, want to hear a really scary thought? What if it DOESN'T? THEN what do you do????????

Seriously, I DO get the feeling. The thing is, I think we actually CAN trust some people. (Sort of a working hypothesis at this point.) Your T sounds like one of them, which is good. I wonder if it's that you "can't" trust him or if you simply don't know how. I really mean that. I'm guessing that somewhere in childhood we're supposed to learn how to trust people. Maybe we're born knowing that and have to learn not to, I don't know. The thing is, maybe you just don't know how (yet). You might try talking about THAT with your T.

Right now, especially, sounds like your kids aren't helpful and you probably need some distance from them. I'm guessing they're adults? Thinking of the "stress cup", they sounds like they might be a few drops more than you've got room for. And, even good things contribute to the stress cup, right? Things like finishing a thesis?

 

[desiderata310]

Right now, especially, sounds like your kids aren't helpful and you probably need some distance from them. I'm guessing they're adults?

My son is an adult and he is trying to move back out and get his own place. He relocated to get away from the city and the environment that caused both his and my PTSD.

My daughter is 16. I won't kick her out and her other living option is on the other side of the country. Full "stress cup" or not.
I've taken to staying away from everyone so I don't get triggered.

My therapist is aware of my *ahem* trust issues. I trust him more than most. The fact that he would have hospitalized me being a reason is unfair. I know that. There are other reasons that I don't trust him. All I am sure are unfair.

Most people would look at my life on the surface and say "oh things are wonderful now, you should be perfectly happy! Your kids are with you; you have a place to live and you're safe; and your accomplishing things." and I look at it and think, yes, I SHOULD be happy. I should be whistling Zip-a-de-do-da but the fact of the matter is I am not. I pretend to be happy and it's exhausting. I don't want people thinking I am self centered and having a pity party so I pretend everything is ok.

Sorry you guys had to listen to me.
Sorry for 'taking up the airwaves' so to speak. Really.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Just be yourself. Even if being yourself is difficult and you feel like you take up too much space. You don't take up too much space ;-) We're all happy to listen and try to provide support, in our own ways.