Sexual Assault Am I A Monster?

[Bookoffee]

Sex has been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I would sexually abuse other children my age. I remember before I started school, I would not explore other children but would do things that were very harmful to them.

I tried to talk to my therapist of eight years with but she would just tell me that was because I was abused. I dont remember this happening to me. I am wondering if I was just a monster as a child, looking for attention where there was none in my home.

When my mother’s husband trapped me in the back of his truck and started to feel me under my clothes, I became scared. It was happening to me instead of me doing it to someone else. I didn’t want this gross man touching me. He reeked of alcohol. I never touched another child again.

I told my sister about this happening and she told me that she believed me because he has done the same to her. She lived on her own and had a child of her own. I was 10. She kept me with her until she realized that she could no longer afford to support two children on her own. She sent me back to my mothers house and told them that I was lying.

When I was 17 I was raped by my lover’s boyfriend. I pressed charges against him and went to the DA. They handed me the reports that my family filled out and everyone of them told I was lying and being manipulative because I was jealous of the relationship my girlfriend had with him. The DA told me there was nothing that could be done. He walked free.

I have always wondered if this happened to me because of all the children I had abused. I can no longer be intimate. Whenever I get real close to my wife, I start to have flashbacks of being raped and me hurting others. I can not move past this and I would like to have a healthy relationship with my wife.

 

[digger]

Can you clarify please, are you saying that you were abusing other children before you were abused yourself? Are you still seeing a therapist?

Personally, I don't think people get abused because they've abused someone else, but the other way round happens for sure - ie. Abusing because you were abused. That doesn't seem to be what you're saying though?

 

[Justmehere]

Kids who sexually abuse other kids their own age are almost always acting about their own trauma or they are sociopathic predators. You don't seem like a sociopathic predator. I don't condone the behavior or what you did, but there is a context for it.

Perhaps there is other abuse you don't remember but what you describe alone indicates there was chaos and abuse enough to lead to a kid acting out like you did. It sounds like once you had an experience of being a victim, you stopped the behavior.

It sounds like it was a trauma reenactment... Most who are sociopathic predators who hurt kids continue to be sociopathic predators and continue to hurt kids. You are not a monster, you were a kid who needed help. You are a good person for changing and facing it now and working hard to heal.

I think your therapist is right.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, it's quite possible. Many children who abuse others have been abused themselves but in this world there are no absolutes so the possibility does exist that you weren't abused before you abused others.

 

[digger]

I find it hard to view any child as a monster, I think you always have to ask where a child (especially a young child and it sounds like you were under age 10 when you were doing this?) learns to use behaviours that harm others. Even it wasn't the same type of abuse it is hard to imagine that a child has not been hurt in some way to make them want to hurt others.

 

[Bookoffee]

I started to harm my stepsister before first grade. I don't remember much. I just know it was always there

 

[Bookoffee]

Sorry I am not making sense. I just feel so raw right now. I have so much going through my head.

I had to fire my therapist of 8 years because her crossed boundaries. My new therapist was making hurtful comments so I had to stop seeing her. I just made an appointment with a new one

 

[rightkindofme]

I have seen 21 therapists over 30 years. You hire the right professional to help you through the problem in front of you. Not every therapist is qualified for every situation.

 

[Justmehere]

You are taking good steps. You will find the right one soon.

 

[KwanYingirl]

At that age before first grade, you had to be reenact ing sexual behavior and your sister verified for you that you were correct about your moms boyfriend. Where does your birth father figure in this? Once your were victimized you took corrective action and no longer abused or experimented with other children. You definitely need a good therapist to help you weed through the betrayal of your sister and others that called you a liar. This type of denial is more c'mon than you think.

Now it's time for you to heal and go forward with a kind and loving nature towards the world and the people in it. You will get there. You have debris to get through. I'm sorry that your sister wasn't able to keep you.

To be at peace takes work and steadfast commitment to being a person of love and compassion for people, animals and nature. All else will fall into place once you are able to be content.

I recommend you try taking yoga or getting healing energy work done to help repair the mind/body split due to abuse.

 

[Bookoffee]

The father peice is hard to explain. I was brought up thinking that brothers and sister father was mine. Then around 8 or 9 I was told that someone else was my father. I didnt meet him until I was about 13. The father I grew up thinking he was mine wasnt part of my life unless I was dumped on his doorstep

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

People can do bad things and still be good people. And what people are saying is true. Children that young don't know about sexual things without having seen them or experiencing them. You may have been abused and not known what was happening or not remembering it. Or you saw someone else engaging in a sexual act and thought you'd try it. I hope that you will like the new therapist you are trying and that you can work through some of this stuff with him/her.