I Don't Know How To Live For Me

[digger]

I have stayed because I want to.

This is where I feel I want/need to get to.

You seem quite stable right now

It depends on what you are defining 'stable' as? If you are solely talking about the probability of me acting on suicidal thoughts then, yes, I think I am unlikely to actually do that at the moment. I personally would not describe my current state as stable though and the fact that I feel I can't use suicide as a solution now, can actually leave me in a more distressed and desperate state at times, feeling completely trapped and like there is absolutely no way out of this. I'm not like that all the time, but it is an underlying thing I guess all the time. It is not far enough from the surface for me to feel comfortable or stable.

The first is around being worried you may have or act on suicidal thoughts.

The second is around meaning in your life, a reason to get up in the morning and care about your life.

I understand how you are separating them I think, but for me they feel inextricably linked. Not wanting to kill myself is not the same as wanting to be alive. In fact I'm not sure it's even not wanting to kill myself, it's feeling like I'm in a position where that is not an option, which is not the same thing at all. I want to want to be alive. I don't at the moment. Finding things that would make me want to want to be alive has a direct connection to wanting to not want to kill myself, for me.

Do I feel that my life specifically has higher meaning though? Or, that I ought to be alive for some larger purpose?

At the moment I don't feel I'm aiming that high, or ever expecting that kind of feeling about life - I would happily settle for 'Life is fine, I'm fine with life' ;)
Do I want to be alive? No, not really. Do I want to want to be alive? Yes, I think so. Does that need to be for a higher purpose? No, I don't think so.

 

[Zef]

Hey Digger,
I'm a little drunk right now, so, if the shit I say isn't applicable, then ask me in the morning. :)

From reading this thread, I think I can relate. . .so I will try.

I have to manufacture reasons I want to live. Sounds to me like you are in a similar place. If your brain is anything like mine, whatever small piece of the brain that still insists on honoring the survival instinct, will generally come up with some reason to keep you going. In me, for the last year or so, it's come up with two reasons; I want to live long enough to see my kids start their adult lives (they are 12 and 9) and there is one final way I want to test myself against the world before I sign off.

Before that, though, over 30+ years, that small piece of my brain has come up with dozens of reasons to keep going. Sometimes, I feel like a victim of that small piece of my brain. That it doesn't understand the pain and, if it did, maybe it would stop hassling me so much. But, it's a bit of an ass about all of that. . .

But, you know what, when my kids are 22 and 19, that small piece of my brain will have come up with a completely different reason for me to go on. How do I know that? The same reason I'm reasonably sure the sun will come up in the morning, the shit just happens, over and over again.

So, what I do, while I'm waiting to fool that damn annoying small piece of my brain, I use whatever tiny piece of energy I have to try to become the person I could have been. It's like, f*ck it, might as well do that, because waiting is boring as hell.

Also, I must note. . .I don't exercise, either, but it's on my list of things to do pretty soon. :)

 

[digger]

I do not know if you are able to read or not at this time.

I'm still finding reading extremely difficult and frustrating at the moment, but I do appreciate the book recommendations from both yourself @gizmo and @Abigail - I will add them to the ever growing list of things I'd like to read.

is there anything new I want to try, or add to my life ?

Open your options, try new things, and think "do I like this?" "Is there potential here?" And if not, scrap it and go to another thing. There was this quote, I can't remember where it came from, that basically says that if you are doing something that is not setting a fire inside of you (in a good way, haha), then it's time to start doing something else.

At the moment, there is nothing that I want to do or try, but please note the 'at the moment'. I'm a little concerned that I might be coming across as someone who doesn't try to do different things and look at different options. I do. I have done a number of different jobs, studied different things, followed different interests - and will continue to do so - but nothing has ever 'set a fire inside' me for it.

 

[digger]

I've always hated exercise, never enjoyed it,

This reminded me very much of school and PE and my feelings around exercise from that.... I still hate any type of exercise that looks like sport. Anything competitive, anything with rules.... That type of exercise has very negative connections for me. Which is a shame I think. Because I wasn't 'good' at sports as a child or teenager, that translated to not being encouraged in it and it being more punishment and humiliation, than being something I could enjoy for itself regardless of whether I was good at it or not. I think school PE teachers have a lot to answer for.

The type of exercise that works for me is more subtle stuff. Gardening for example.. And I can walk for miles and miles (pain permitting) because that doesn't fall in the 'sports' category for me. ;)

Not trying to convince you, I think from this thread it's clear that different people find their 'thing' in different places. Just saying that I actually hate exercise too if it's called exercise, but know that I do still benefit mentally to some degree from doing physical stuff.

 

[marylouise]

I feel I can't use suicide as a solution now, can actually leave me in a more distressed and desperate state at times, feeling completely trapped and like there is absolutely no way out of this. I'm not like that all the time, but it is an underlying thing I guess all the time.

@digger, I'm sorry. That sounds like a terrible burden to live with. I hope you can find some peace from it.

 

[afvet]

Estranged from my siblings and no kids of my own, I struggled with staying "here" for years. A day didn't go by that I wasn't sad. I didn't recognize that I was depressed and the therapist at the VA had me in a women's rape group. She didn't have a group for PTSD related to combat and I found the therapy lacking for me. My best friend knows me though. She gave me a puppy. I didn't want a dog. I didn't need something to take care of and depend on me. The dog was so demanding and my friend gave me another puppy for the first dog to play with. I didn't realize it at the time but caring for and loving those dogs helped me get through the days. I still have dark thoughts but worry about who would take care of my dogs. Maybe until I learn how to live for me, I can live for them.

 

[idiosyncratic]

I don't normally chime in to conversations because I don't feel like I have anything important to say beyond what everyone else has said but your topic was something that I have been dealing with for a long time but the thoughts have been especially strong the past couple of days. And please forgive me if what I say is confusing, it really just all came to me yesterday, but please message me if you need clarification .

Even before my traumas (the big one off ones, not the continual neglect and psychological stuff), the little that I do remember, I questioned the purpose of my existence. After the "big ones", especially my workplace assault because that put me entirely, and still, out of commission and out of work, it created an even bigger existential crisis for me because now, living was just painful and pointless so why should I continue? Like you and many others here, I'm alive and living for other people and not myself.

the answer is to learn to love ourselves, then we would always have at least one person we love to stay alive for... find something you love that helps you love yourself. Until you find that you can't die, and once you've found it, you won't want to.

I had a discussion with a friend about this yesterday of why I wasn't living for myself and, having had a meltdown a week ago, we discussed that I wasn't living for myself because, quite honestly, I didn't like myself. After my meltdown, where EVERYTHING surfaced, I realized that I hadn't, and haven't forgiven myself for what happened to me even though logically I know it wasn't my fault, but there's something... ie, I wasn't "good" enough, I did "this" to provoke it etc.. that I have not forgiven myself for and from that blame, it really set in the fact that I wasn't "good" or worthy of happiness. To state it simply, I didn't like myself because I haven't forgiven myself and so I punish myself by not letting myself do anything to enjoy life. I live for others because I feel like I need to make THEM happy, which is self-punishment because I'm not living for ME. Does that make sense?

I struggle everyday just to make it to the next day. There are things that I do, like yoga, hanging out with friends, eating something I like, taking a walk, that get me through the day but it still leaves this emptiness of "what's the point of it all?". I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I don't even have one for myself, but after having my discussion yesterday, I think a starting point to your statement " I don't know how to live for myself" is are you allowing to truly LIVE for yourself? I'm not living for myself because I don't like myself. Until I like myself.. I think that's when I can live for myself.

 

[fatfunkster]

There are two parts to your question as I see it. Firstly there's the underlying feeling of emptiness, then there's the lack of purpose in your life. Yes they are connected, but it may well help to have a strategy for both elements.
Questions to ask yourself may be - where has this feeling come from? when did it first begin? what does the feeling do to my body? What urge (as in drive) does this feeling give me (I'd guess it'd be to give up or end it all, or avoid? - just a guess though, it's for you to figure out). Once you've done all that then you'll gain some insight into the origin of it all. Many people with what you're describing have had unhappy childhoods; they've been told they're rubbish, or they'll never do anything good in life, or they've experienced an absent parent and ended up blaming themselves for being rejected (as in, it's my fault, I should've been a better daughter etc.).
But here's the thing - it wouldn't have been you that caused you to feel like this, it most certainly would've been someone else, or a collection of other people who have treated you badly. You've internalised the negative things that have happened to you.

The second part is, of course, just as people were saying - if you've got nothing in your life to live for then it makes perfect sense that you'd consider not being around - so change your life - identify goals for 1 month, 6 months, a year that incorporate things that will make your life worth living. It's really hard because the underlying part doesn't think you should have a good life with things in that you enjoy - it may even get you to think that you don't deserve a good life, or that if you did make changes then it wouldn't make any difference anyway. That side of you is wrong.
Good luck