Unexpected Panic

[SaySomething]

Recently, I've been struggling with agoraphobia. The therapist and I agreed that a goal for me is to leave the house every day. I just need to assess each situation that arises and decide what I can handle. It turns out, I'm not good at assessing what I can handle. Aaaargh, it is so frustrating.

Most days, I go to a medical appointment of some sort. It's always difficult, but I've been managing. Thursday on my way to an appointment, those familiar anxiety symptoms started creeping up on me. My palms were sweaty, my hands were shaking, I felt sick to my stomach,and my heart was pounding. I thought about turning around and heading back home THREE times during the ten minute drive to my appointment. However, I stuck it out, made it to my destination successfully, and felt reasonably good about myself. Friday, I had no appointments so I decided to go to the grocery store. I chose to go during a time of day when the store isn't very busy, and I did some deep breathing exercises in preparation for my excursion. I really believed it would be ok.

Well, it wasn't ok. I made it to the store, and I was probably about halfway finished collecting the items on my list when it hit me ... a full blown panic attack. I haven't had one quite this intense in years. I'm not even sure what brought it on. All I know is that I was crouched on the floor, everything was spinning, and I thought I was going to die.

How can I trust my own judgment anymore? I thought I was prepared for this trip. I believed I could tolerate it. It makes me so upset. I know, a panic attack isn't the end of the world, but it is humiliating. Episodes like this only make my resolve to stay home even stronger. I failed to control my anxiety. That's how I feel. I failed.

 

[arfie]

We learn more from our failures than our successes. When we take the time to study those lessons, there is no failure. Just learning.

I would like to congratulate you on your tremendous courage in giving it a go. Where is the failure in that? I sure hope you can congratulate yourself for that courage, as well. I hope you can congratulate yourself enough to give you the courage to try again.

Success is the art of getting up once more than you have fallen.

 

[kagamine]

Having a panic attack when confronting a phobia is completely normal and expected, sometimes it really does have to get worse before it gets better, which sucks but that does seem to be how it goes. I have agoraphobia too so I completely get it, most of the time I'm trying to avoid having panic attacks in public but there they are. For me, what helps is getting ready way ahead of time and giving myself time to build up to leaving my apartment.

And even if you had a panic attack while you were out, I wouldn't think of it as a failure, you left the house and went grocery shopping, you stuck it out that long, and you're moving in the right direction. Anxiety doesn't really go away that quickly, it takes time. If you could go out and have zero anxiety then it wouldn't be difficult in the first place.

 

[SaySomething]

Success is the art of getting up once more than you have fallen.

Thanks, @arfie . That's a great sentiment. I keep telling myself the effort is what counts. I'm a perfectionist and a control freak, so it really bothers me when things don't go exactly the way I plan them. It's so maddening that I can't take credit for anything positive, but I'm sure to take the blame for anything negative. At least a part of my brain recognizes the distorted thoughts.

@kagamine - I'm sorry you also suffer from agoraphobia. It can be such a horrible struggle. Thanks for the support! I may need to look into new methods of preparing for a trip ahead of time.

 

[arfie]

I, too, am a control freak and perfectionist. Beating myself up over all the perceived flaws and agonizing over the "failures" seriously holds me back. If I can't do it perfectly on the first try, I spiral to depths of despair and self-punishment.

Big surprise that I didn't try much in life? My livingroom contained a "I Can't Altar," listing and immortalizing all the things of the world I CAN'T do.

Shifting the focus from "failure" to "learning" helped me allot.