Extreme Fatigue / World Too Loud, Too Busy - Help

[NovemberStar]

I'm struggling to describe what's happening.

My mood has dropped very low again. Most of yesterday I was suicidal. Today I started to feel unsafe again but then something weird happened. I was just overcome with extreme fatigue and exhaustion and just HAD to go to bed, and I did fall asleep.

Being awake is so incredibly painful I cannot stand it. It's as if the world is simply too loud, too bright, too noisy, too busy and I just cannot stand it. I feel like I'm very drugged but haven't taken more meds than usual. I feel like the world is two dimensional, people don't seem real, situations don't seem real. I cannot bear to watch television because it confuses me and the characters on tv seem both familiar and real, and more real than 'real life'.

I don't know what is happening to me - I can only think either this is a very different type of depression; one I haven't experienced ever before; and / or after a week on my new medication (lamotrigine) it is doing something really awful to my thoughts and perception (I had a similar feeling when on Risperidol but it wasn't as severe as this).

My case worker is coming to see me 5pm. I'm dreading what is going to happen next. I am really afraid I need to be hospitalised, because I feel unsafe and just have an overwhelming urge to ESCAPE life.

I do not know if I'm more afraid of being admitted to hospital or more afraid of not being taken seriously. It's been over a year since I reached out to the emergency psych services and it was the most awful experience - I was struggling with severe anxiety, depression, PTSD flare up (first in many months) and suicidal - but they turned me away. The said since I had an app with psych services in 3 weeks (following 3 referrals to them from my GP - waiting list meant most urgent app was 5 week wait) I just had to wait until I saw them then. It didn't matter that I expressed I was unsafe - they said 'oh we can appreciate that' and sent me home with no follow up phone call', visit or anything.

Bottom line - it doesn't matter how much risk I might be to myself, there is absolutely no guarantee they will help or support me. IN ANY way.

 

[desiderata310]

Sorry.
I understand the world being "too loud and too bright" . I easily get overwhelmed and have to retreat. I would probably qualify as a Highly Sensitive Person. They are especially prone to depression.

Keep talking here. Hopefully something good came of your caseworker's vist.

 

[Leah123]

It sounds like you're using some defense mechanisms, mostly unconscious, to keep yourself safe. When I've been suicidal, I've felt extreme lethargy too- I figure it's my body's way of slowing me down and preventing me from acting on bad impulses. The other effect sounds like derealization, a type of dissociation, when the world doesn't seem real and people seem 2-d, a way of separating yourself from your overwhelmed feelings and from relating. And finally, I think maybe you're finding a safe little cocoon with tv characters.

They all sound like very understandable PTSD reactions for someone under a lot of stress, and I can relate. Dissociation and such can be scary, but they are not doing you any harm and should pass.

I will add, I don't take any medications, so I can't speak to how they might be influencing you in terms of these reactions you're having but hopefully when your caseworker arrives, they can help normalize this for you and help you figure out the next step in feeling better. Hope you take good care and get some relief soon.

 

[Barberian]

I hope this isn't the case, but it's not uncommon for people with mental "issues" to develop Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, or Fibromyalgia. The two are almost identical, except if fatigue is your main symptom, they call it CFS. If pain is your main problem, they call it Fibromyalgia.

I have similar symptoms you describe - sensory overload incl noise, light, too much motion can unbalance me, full body pain like a flu on steroids.

I suggest you look into it, and I hope it is just temporary. Some people's symptoms can be alleviated with meds.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know what is happening to me - I can only think either this is a very different type of depression; one I haven't experienced ever before; and / or after a week on my new medication (lamotrigine) it is doing something really awful to my thoughts and perception (I had a similar feeling when on Risperidol but it wasn't as severe as this).

Honestly, this is pretty much exactly what happened to me with Lamictal (lamotrigine) when my dose got too high. It's a very powerful med. You should definitely look into cutting that dose back.

It also describes how I felt when my depression got to a new low. It was like being in a strange land, and nothing worked. I couldn't dial a phone.

Either way: remember, this isn't you "going crazy"; something is happening to your body, for sure, and the most important thing is to reach out for help with it, which you are doing. I'm really sorry for your struggle, I've been there and it's scary.

 

[DharmaGirl]

How did it go? I'm worried because you sound like you need more help. Is there anyone else you can call?

 

[NovemberStar]

Thanks for the replies ...

I'm not sure it is the new med - because how I was feeling / what I was experiencing passed - if it was the med, I would think it would be more consistent? I'm also on a very low dose - just started it, 25mg for 8 days now.

I think the sudden exhaustion was like @Leah123 described - one of my mind's unconscious protective mechanisms.

I felt "better" just letting it pass ... I cried a lot. I hurt - a lot. Then I curled up on the couch and watched a movie.

Best time of the day is meds time - I know it's a countdown until they knock me out and I'm not aware if anything anymore.

My T has been away for almost 5 weeks. She is back on Friday and it's her return that is triggering a lot of flashbacks and the depression. I feel I just have to "endure" things for now. I'm going to try really hard to just stay in the moment ... And if that moment is too unbearable, focus on coming home (I have a couple of work visits to do), taking more meds and lying on the couch. Count down the hours until bed and it's another day done.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm so glad you feel better.

It still could be the lamictal. It's a very funky drug - or at least was, in my experience. If this feeling happens again when (if) your dose increases, you'll know.

Most important is that you feel a bit better and that your therapist is back soon.

 

[anthony]

because how I was feeling / what I was experiencing passed

This is something that you have to hold onto in the tough times, being the realistic aspect of symptoms. You've been through them before, and they all passed, just as you outlined above. This is also what psych services work upon... that whilst you believe your distress isn't going to end, it will, and they judge it on seeing you, and you need to accept it. Symptoms are just symptoms, and they pass. This is CBT... rational vs irrational thinking.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Yep, that's what gets me through. I know the feelings won't last forever. I know there are things I can do that will make the symptoms go away sooner. I'm so different than when I first came here.

 

[NovemberStar]

@anthony and @DharmaGirl - I really REALLY struggle with holding onto a mood or feeling or experience I had previous to the one I feel right then. I can go snowboarding up the mountain and LOVE it; by the next day this, it feels like the snowboarding happened weeks ago - my memory of recent events is so far away, I can't grasp them.

I WISH I could hold onto the 'but last time this passed and it was ok in the end" but it's not something I'm very successful with.

My mood is all over the place. Overall I don't think it's as low as it has been the past 2 days - but I've still struggled with suicidal feelings, thoughts. I'm trying very hard to not think ahead - the future (even a week ahead) is so very very bleak. I can't find anything to look forward too - more so since I can't find pleasure in things I used to love (snowboarding being one example - I was suicidal and very depressed while snowboarding up the mountain on Saturday).

Really feeling like I'm ENDURING life at the moment. I'm just hoping I can talk to my T and be 100% honest no matter how guilty I feel about being so negative on her first day back after a long holiday. I HOPE talking with her, sharing everything will help it fade into the background :(.

 

[Friday]

One of the dangers with coming out of a deep depression you can visualize by drawing a big U shape and then a horizontal line through it. -U- Those lines represent suicidal. When you drop below the line, you're actually too depressed to kill yourself. Takes too much energy. Why bother? ZzzzZzZZzzzzz. Blah blah blah blah... Yep.

But coming up out of a depression? Esp. quickly on a new med? You hit the second line. Suicidal again, but with the emergy to do something about it. That's actually a good sign that the meds are working and you're trending towards better days... although clearly super dangerous. If you talk with your T about this, they are more likely to up (or tweak) your meds that you like and are responding to, rather than take them away. They may also add another short term to get you through the line, or may not. But be honest with them. A) It really is a good sign & B) Getting help when and as you need it, yah?