Wondering About Some Peoples Perceptions Of What Being "attacked" On Forums Means?

[Philippa]

I feel like I am being accused of things I didn't do...so of course that would make me feel on the defensive. How is that actually being confrontational though? I'm ok with not continuing to converse with you catjudo, but it has left me feeling pretty perplexed and somewhat patronized, I admit. If anything, it feels as though you are the one being confrontational with me about it and then ending the conversation when I react to that. Is it possible there is some projection going on here?

I'm not saying I am always totally 100% perfect and effective at communicating. I have my moments as well, and yes, snarkiness can be a form of passive aggression, but I was not always snarky.

If you were trying to imply that I was the one who was responsable for the communication issues and why people felt attacked, then I would say that it's probably true that at times I was being passive aggressive in my snarkiness, and caused the communication meltdown, but many other times it was not the case that I was saying anything aggressive, and yet I was being told I was attacking others.

I've been blunt here and honest about feeling frustrated with something someone posted and was told I attacked her, and there were witnesses to that. Sometimes a person just feels attacked and in reality there is no attack there.

I think it's pretty assuming to tell someone they are being a certain way when you weren't even there to witness the scenarios. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

 

[Philippa]

I must admit, you have a better handle on it than me @Philippa. If I'm feeling attacked, I respond as you just did with @catjudo.

I don't know that i have a better grip on it, but in a work situation, if I spent my whole day worrying about what they 'might' be saying about me, I'd go crazy and it would ruin my mood, which I need to keep uplifted or at least on an even keel to work.

Its not easy for me to just say, "why worry about it", especially when it "feels" hurtful to me me. I'm sure that is the PTSD talking and hopefully, I will be able to shrug things off like you do at some point.

I sometimes don't always let myself feel things, especially when I am at work...or I have feelings that are delayed and I don't experience them until a few hours later. If I can tell myself that in reality they probably aren't speaking about me that much, and if they are at times, and it is nasty, then at least I don't understand what they are saying...so how can I be hurt by something I don't understand? That's me anyway.

I think it gives me hope in the future to know that that kind of control over my emotions is possible. I hope you realize though that although you can shrug it off, some still can not.

I wasn't always able to, so yeah, I think I realise that. It took a long time before I got a grip over my own tendencies to get upset about everything.

At least that is my perception on the thread topic as to why people "feel" attacked, even when you "feel" it is not

Ok, thanks for sharing your perspective here.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I think you hit it on the head there @phillipa. Of course I see that when you get defensive, you do get confrontational as @catjudo pointed out.

I am terrible with empathy and communication and I have often hurt peoples feelings. I think the difference is, I realize that and until I learn to communicate during situations that can hurt people, I try to step back and not say anything. I learn more while listening (or reading) in this case than talking.

 

[catjudo]

Since you were not actually witness to any of the scenarios I am speaking about,

I think it's pretty assuming to tell someone they are being a certain way when you weren't even there to witness the scenarios.

I was not my intention to say you were or are a certain way. My intention was to speak in generalities, even though I used the word "you" I meant it more generally and not about something you may or may not have specifically done. I was not speaking of any specific incident but just reacting to your own words and descriptions in this thread. I'm sorry if it came across as anything else.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Note: I did say I "try" to step back and not say anything. I'm obviously not doing a very good job at it right now, so I will say this; I hope my comments are taken in a way that is not hurtful and if they are, I apologize!

 

[Philippa]

I think you hit it on the head there @phillipa. Of course I see that when you get defensive, you do get confrontational as @catjudo pointed out.

I don't quite understand how I get confrontational when I feel defensive though? I didn't confront catjudo with any personal flaws or faults. I pointed out the reality that catjudo wasn't there to make an accurate assessment about who was the cause of the communication breakdown and just assumed it was me and that I was being passive aggressive, without even being there.

I am terrible with empathy and communication and I have often hurt peoples feelings. I think the difference is, I realize that and until I learn to communicate during situations that can hurt people, I try to step back and not say anything. I learn more while listening (or reading) in this case than talking.

Listening is a good way to take a step back, for sure.

Sometimes people do take things the wrong way though and not everything you say is going to hurt them! Being afraid to speak for fear of hurting others hampers your own freedom of speech. It can't feel very good to do that.

 

[Ghostybear73]

It actually feels very good to be able to sit back and learn how to do things. I realize, although I don't like it, that it is not all about me. If you were to read your posts from a different perspective, you would see that you are confrontational in how you state things. It seems to me that I am not the only person that has mentioned that. Self reflection is very rewarding and allows for other freedoms, like the freedom to not be hurtful, the freedom to learn new things, the freedom to heal, albeit slowly.

I think the freedom of speech is only free to a certain extent and then it either gets people in trouble or have feelings of defensiveness when there is really no need.

 

[Philippa]

I was not my intention to say you were or are a certain way. My intention was to speak in generalities, even though I used the word "you" I meant it more generally and not about something you may or may not have specifically done. I was not speaking of any specific incident but just reacting to your own words and descriptions in this thread. I'm sorry if it came across as anything else.

That may have been your intention, but your implication here was that I was the one causing people to feel attacked. Thankyou for clarifying though.

 

[Philippa]

If you were to read your posts from a different perspective, you would see that you are confrontational in how you state things. It seems to me that I am not the only person that has mentioned that.

No, you're not the only one mentioning it...catjudo has as well.

Others here have said they don't have a problem with the way I communicate though, and have never felt like I've been confrontational with them, so I will have to take some time to understand how reacting to being accused of passive aggression from someone who wasn't there to witness the scenarios I was talking about, is actually being confrontational, because I just don't see it. I'm not even sure what you mean by confrontational, and what that means to you and catjudo? If it's just the two of you and others don't perceive me as being confrontational, then I can only conclude that it is your interpretation of what confrontational means.

I'm genuinely interested to hear from other members here what they perceive to be confrontation in this context, and if they see me as being this way too? Consensus after all, depends on numbers.

I realise that many people don't appreciate bluntness, and it feels like an attack to them...that doesn't mean it IS one though. Standing up for myself isn't being confrontational, last I heard.

 

[Ghostybear73]

Well, there you go....you just answered your own question to this forum thread. Something to think about, huh?

 

[Philippa]

It actually feels very good to be able to sit back and learn how to do things. I realize, although I don't like it, that it is not all about me.

I'm not quite sure how to interpret your words here. My female brain tends to hear "you are making it all about you and it's not."

Yes, learning is always a good thing, and I think I'm pretty open to learning and improving on who I am today tomorrow, but only if it's something I do actually need to work on. I need to go to bed right now though. Work in 8 hours from now.

 

[Philippa]

Well, there you go....you just answered your own question to this forum thread. Something to think about, huh?

I gave my thoughts on the subject, but I was looking to hear from whoever wanted to participate what their thoughts are about it as well. The thread took a turn into a different place than I was looking for, but that's ok.