Sexual Assault Spiralling

[Brokensoul88]

I am struggling so much with emotions. I've been able to keep it together in the last 6 weeks of a work phased return plan, but only by eating non stop as soon as I get home. I've put on 1st 7lbs since going back to work and not I've taken myself off of my sleeping pills my nightmares are horrifying. If it's not night terrors about the night I was raped it's about running/hiding from things and 'he' somehow makes his way into those nightmares too.

From tomorrow I'm back to full time and if I can't make it into work at any point it will be a new sick absence occurrence.

I don't know where to go from here, I'm so tired of being haunted by that monster and what he did to me. :,(

 

[Jane.l]

Sorry you are having such a rough time - not getting much sleep and constant nightmares are going to make you feel very low. It sounds like you are anxious about going back to work full time too - how are you at work does it help to be distracted? Are you in therapy ?

 

[Brokensoul88]

Work has been so incredibly difficult for so many reasons. It can be helpful sometimes being in work if I feel okay enough to engage in the team humour but a lot of the time I don't. Most of the time it's just putting on a show until I can go home then eat to stop what I've held back at work hitting me head on. I have a rape crisis counsellor who is lovely but as they remind me it's not proper therapy. It happened 6 years ago and I blocked it out until early this year and since then it's just been destroying me gradually. I can't tell my family and I've had to move back with my parents so that just adds to the difficulties

 

[Lucycat]

if I feel okay enough to engage in the team humour but a lot of the time I don't

I don't do the team humour. I switch off to it and don't engage. My best time at work is when I am on my own and everybody else is out.

Do be kind to yourself. I remember how hard it was going back to work, and I certainly did not feel supported. However over time things do get better. Are you able to tell us anything about the nature of your job? Are you full time? Are you out and about or stuck in an office? What is the team like - are they generally friendly and supportive? Do they know why you were off?

Please don't answer anything you are not comfortable with.

 

[Brokensoul88]

Thank you @Lucycat[/USER]

I'm a civil servant, I work in HR full time. It can be really stressful especially lately, we have so much work on and people have moved on who I got on with really well and I find myself thinking how lucky I was at the time. I used to say I love my job but since going back & having a new manager I can't quite get on with its so hard.

As far as I know people don't know about my repressed rape memories surfacing but sometimes people say "you're back and you've been so unwell you've had to deal with a lot " and I instantly go into panic thinking oh my god what do they know, have people been gossiping? Have they worked it out?

It's dark walking into work now & it's making things harder, people walking behind me in the dark are triggering & I stab my Keyes in my hand so hard to stay in the present it's awful