Talking About Problems In The Present Tense

[Friday]

Does anyone else have issues talking about problems in the present tense?

This may very well just be a me, thing. I don't know.

I generally feel better after venting, but worse if I haven't reached blow my top levels, so I almost never do it. Instead, I'll talk about something after it's been sorted -or deemed hopeless, whatcha gonna do?-. Talking about problems that I'm having in the moment just leaves me feeling exposed, idiotic, embarrassed, overwhelmed, and needing to run. It's not helpful. My mind just spins out in a thousand directions and I'm left feeling more lost than when I started, and I just shut down.

 

[Rumors]

Could have written your post verbatim. I certainly don't have an answer, however I do the same thing in that I feel like I need to have a resolve to my issue before I can talk about it. I think it goes back to that issue of asking for help and being vulnerable. I am simply not good at that.
Good luck! I hope it gets easier for you!

 

[Ronin]

I relate a lot. I try to shuffle basically everything into the past. It's day old? It's in the past. It's past hour? It is the past. Not a wise or effective mindset I'd recommend for anyone, but the tendency's there and I'm still trying to find a way through it. I think part may be rather active wish to be over it already, moving to something productive. I'm basically trying to stop that trace of reacting. Stop, tell myself sensitivity is okay, so is pausing for issues, move again. Actively telling myself self care *is* productive, it's not rehashing whatever or 'wallowing'.

I've told myself I don't have to talk in present tense or all the standards I have on form. It's good if I'm talking any. Lowening the bar one has for their own recovery and presentation, basically. Perfectionism can do hella damage ;/ Figured even as I set that bar elsewhere than it should be, than I'm used to, I can at least jump and give myself cookies that day. Little rewards do.

 

[Friday]

I sometimes feel, with PTSD, that my brain has a time machine and it's just not willing to share. My tenses are all mixed up. My past is my present, my present is off in a field told to hover, I've got wakes cutting through and churning everything up. Everything is just all out of order. Trying to impose order in all this nonsense is just pissing me off.

One thing I do know (I think?), is that since I have no internal sense of structure, I have to create it, externally. At least that's what has worked in the past. I'm trying to work out where daily problems fit into that matrix. It seems like healthy people talk about their problems. Not whine about them, or keep them hidden like weaknesses, but just stay cognizant of them. Maybe talk about is the wrong word. But their day to day problems don't cause them to shut down. I'm not really sure how to go about doing that. It's just such a mess in here behind my eyes, and between my ears, sometimes.

 

[arfie]

Yes, I struggle with this. I am extremely vulnerable when I am grappling with a current problem. The slightest misdirect can muddy my thoughts and perceptions horribly. The muddying is sufficiently painful and counter-productive to make any sharing seem too risky to be worth the effort. Equally, internalizing problem solving process makes me vulnerable to do-it-yourself gaslighting where I distort the problem just enough to save myself from any sustainable solutions. Outside perspectives and reality checks can be vital to working it out.

I strive for awareness and balance. Holding the awareness that I am in a vulnerable state, I gently nudge myself to go ahead and seek help. At the first sign of muddying, I back of quickly and completely and let the mud settle. Once the mud settles, I try again, whether with the same source or a new source entirely. Above all, I clothe the process in gentle patience and persistence.

 

[scout86]

Interesting question! I hadn't really thought about this at all. Now, I'm kind of thinking "This is a 'problem'?" Kind of the same way I say "THAT'S what that means????" to my T.

Yep, I think i do that. If I'm actually experiencing a "problem", in real time, I will sort it through and deal with it (for better or worse) and then, at some point, I might talk about it. (Usually make it into a joke of some sort.) Because it's MY problem and I'm the one who's supposed to deal with it, right? Besides, "anything you say can and will be used against you". Right?

A big part of what inspired me to give therapy a try to begin with is that I was tired of thinking about suicide all the time. I was tired of hearing the "voice" (which my T prefers I think of as a "thought") in my head daring me to do the world a favor and kill myself. Visualizing different scenarios and imagining what it would be like..... It got old. And, my impulse control being what it is, there's a chance that some day I might have actually stepped in from of a train, just to see what it would be like. But, I never told me T any of this. One day, he point blank asked me what inspired me to contact him to begin with. I told him. I think he was kind of appalled. He looked at me for a second and said, "And exactly WHEN were you planning on telling me that?" Well, I wasn't, actually.... I mean, he'd never ASKED (until then)..... And, now that I'm thinking of it, I'm telling this story for the first time, and making it a funny story.

Talking about problems that I'm having in the moment just leaves me feeling exposed, idiotic, embarrassed, overwhelmed, and needing to run. It's not helpful. My mind just spins out in a thousand directions and I'm left feeling more lost than when I started, and I just shut down

The thing I'd add to that is, if I DO reveal something like that to someone, as soon as I leave I think I'd be better off dead & maybe ought to do something about it. (I'm pretty sure I'll pay that price even for typing this here.) It's almost like a form of punishment for talking.

So, @FridayJones , you're smart and thoughtful, what do YOU think is up with this? You have some ADHD stuff going on too. That maybe adds to the chaos?

 

[Hummingbird_blue]

Mostly I think I just dissociate from everything during conflict in person. I step back from the situation and I put my defenses up. That may be factoring into your question.

 

[maryiscontrary]

Wow, I feel for all of you guys. I am trying to solve this issue myself. I think it is due to the fact that when we brought up concerns as kids, we were shut down. What I am doing to break this habit is to stay grounded enough to feel my emotions during a current problem, and to state my concerns using nonviolent communication techniques..

I use NVC because this is an effective method for articulating needs at the moment. Otherwise, I will lash out and cut the offending bastard into a million pieces. I don't want to do this, I just want to be heard, and I find that this method increases the odds of that.

Fridayjones, *(to me) you very clearly communicated your problem is present tense, so you are doing a good job! I hope I have understood you correctly. I hope this makes you feel a bit better.