Re-establishing Stability

[desiderata310]

Oh boy. It's been a rough couple of weeks... months...whatever.

I had gotten to a place at my therapist's old office where I was just BEYOND triggered at the thought of going in to therapy. With all the noise in the surrounding offices and the LOUD clomping from upstairs, the numerous triggering and stressors I was about ready to quit therapy altogether. My therapist got a new office and two weeks ago he moved into it. GREAT! YAY... except that it was actually MORE disruptive. My first time there, construction crews were right outside running saws and hammering, not to mention the jackhammer on the street. My therapist called it and we cut my first appointment there short- 50 minutes short. This was followed by a week of chaos because of work and my anxiety rising to a really terrible place and my session moving and shifting because of the noise from construction.

Friday when I went in for my second session, my therapist said that they would be next door but not making any noise. He was MOSTLY correct. Someone was running a shop vac and doing some hammering. It was too much. I couldn't concentrate on much of anything while I was there. Towards the end of the session, they turned on the shop vac again and I lost it. I broke down and began weeping uncontrollably. He kept asking me if it was associated with a memory. I don't think so! I think it was just that my nerves had taken more than I could handle. It took me a while to come back down from that so that I could leave.

I've also been without medication for a while. Mostly I hate what he has me taking (not that I like any of the other options either) and I had run out of medication.

Friday was pretty terrible. I felt... reckless, out of control and very suicidal. So much so that I scared myself and wound up leaving work early. I finally got my medication on Saturday but not before I wound up cutting and just in a really bad place.

On Friday, while I was trying to get to a place where I could focus again, I asked him:
"ok.. so what now?"
"well, we re-establish stability here in therapy."

Oh..
Yeah. There's a great deal to be done there. My therapist has become the abuser in my nightmares. A lot of that is because of an issue with my insurance and the fact that he had been seeing me as a patient for a couple of months and only charging me the co-pay. ($15) He still insists on doing this. I associate really terrible things with someone doing me a nice turn. I know on a strictly intellectual level that it is perfectly safe and he is really being kind to me but I can't accept that and I am really scared at the thought of going in for therapy right now.

He said that he gets it. That there's been a huge upheaval with work, my daughter, the issue with insurance, issues with my mother and moving the office. It's a great deal to take in. I can't seem to accept that however. Why can't I just deal with this? Oh yeah... the whole PTSD thing...

And part of me gets it, especially after I managed to get my meds back in my system and could calm down and think that, yeah, ok. I totally get why I have been acting out and freaking out. Another part of me is simply angry that I can't just push through. Why do I feel WEAKER with therapy than I did without?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Your therapist also gives you medication? So he is actually a psychiatrist?

I think it's less about therapy/therapist 're-establishing stability' and more about your own stabilization.

 

[desiderata310]

Sorry, no he is a therapist but he wants to make sure I am on my anti-anxiety meds.

I think it's less about therapy/therapist 're-establishing stability' and more about your own stabilization.

I get that. I haven't felt... safe(?) in therapy for a while.

 

[Suzetig]

It sounds like you haven't felt safe anywhere for a while, not just in therapy.

What might help you feel more stable? Increasing your payment to him so he's doing you less of a good turn, just having some lighter sessions in the new office (with no banging about), is changing therapist an option that you'd want to consider? Or is this one of those times in your life when things are going to be difficult and you need to find ways of being kind to yourself, maybe starting by not giving yourself a hard time because you can't just push through?

 

[desiderata310]

It sounds like you haven't felt safe anywhere for a while, not just in therapy.

*shrug* I guess I haven't.

I am not at all interested in changing therapists. I know that if I quit with this therapist I will not be going back to therapy ever. It took too long to get to a place where I actually trusted this person and going through that again is more than I can bare. Right now I am barely able to make my 15 dollar co-pay so paying more isn't an option open to me right now either.

*sigh* what I need is some lighter sessions where I feel safe in his office and I don't hear the outside noise from construction work. Hopefully that will be the case tomorrow. I need to find a way to convince myself that being around my therapist isn't a threat. I constantly argue with myself on that point.

is this one of those times in your life when things are going to be difficult and you need to find ways of being kind to yourself, maybe starting by not giving yourself a hard time because you can't just push through?

yeeeahh... about that. I don't do that well. I've been trying. sometimes I can actually cut myself some slack but here lately? Not so much.

*sigh* I'm trying.

 

[Suzetig]

It might be easier to persuade yourself that he isn't a threat when you feel more secure in the therapy room, construction noise would drive me nuts in therapy, I feel your pain on that front. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

[Esmeralda]

Is it possible to Skype sessions with your therapist from a personal safe, quiet location until his new office space is completely settled and quieted?

If you really like this therapist, it seems the key issue would be to address how his kindness is triggering. Somehow there is a very strong association of kindness followed by extreme hurt that may be coming up?

I wish you peace. Be kind to yourself. You may just be overwhelmed at the moment, but you are taking steps to manage your current state by resuming meds and continuing therapy. Good for you.

 

[Esmeralda]

Oh, one more thing. You are not weaker for going into therapy as compared to going without. It seems that way only because now you are doing real work and this kind of work is the toughest of all. Not going into therapy keeps us in a rather steady, seemingly safe, controlled state, but is ultimately more painful I believe! Again, good for you for taking care of yourself.

 

[desiderata310]

Somehow there is a very strong association of kindness followed by extreme hurt that may be coming up?

No this is definitely the case. If someone did me a good turn, bought me a gift, etc, there was a price tag attached. It's always been like this. This was the way of things.

We've talked a bit about this in my session. He said that he is hopeful that he can help prove that people can be trusted and specifically that he can be trusted. yeah. What he doesn't get is that I am WAITING for the other shoe to fall. It's part of the reason that I get so anxious in therapy. He's so freaking NICE! It scares me. Honestly, I don't know if there is a way around this, I am just going to have to bounce off of it and run and hide. Hopefully it will get easier?

 

[Esmeralda]

It's really great that it's something you're working on with your therapist. I understand your trust issue...still observing my new therapist carefully for any signs that I could be let down or hurt! I realize this is just my old, worn out protection "programming" ("waiting for the other shoe to drop" as you said) and so decided this time that if this person lets me down in any way I'm going to address it with them instead of avoiding the issue and/or ending therapy.

It's a good sign that your therapist is being kind to you. Perhaps he was you once? In any case, keep working through the issue with him and if anything he does bothers you, just tell him. He's not your parent(s)....he is a neutral person. Our triggering moments make us susceptible to huge misjudgments of others, yes?