Wondering About Some Peoples Perceptions Of What Being "attacked" On Forums Means?

[BlueOrange]

I agree, however, I did not say someone made me react, I said "it" made me react...the situation. I reacted to what he said.

Fair point. However, the principle still holds. Is 'it' responsible for your actions, or is that 'you'?

 

[Philippa]

Yes, I reacted to the situation.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I personally believe that when people get so caught up on semantics, and I do it too sometimes, they leave themselves open to being the one to attack or to be attacked.

I know when I am being rude, harsh, or harmful to another human being--online or offline, because I feel it in my spirit immediately.

Yes, there are times when I am not as emotionally healthy as usual and I do not recognize it right away, but I will always come back and apologize.

I don't believe differences in communication style or personality is the real issue here. I think it's about not seeing someone as human because the computer screen makes it hard to. For me, I try to imagine the person online is sitting right next to me. It's about a relationship for me. That is most important to me. When I see someone post about something, I imagine I'm sitting right next to them and I task myself with getting to know them by asking questions before just giving my opinion. I don't always do that, but I try to.

There are times when I am super blunt about something because I am a very passionate person and I do hold some really strong belief systems/values. However, I always notice that this kind of communication is not effective when the person hardly knows you. Sometimes it is, but other times it isn't.

I'll admit, there are times when I am going through something and I'm feeling especially vulnerable. I will share about it and sharing it puts me into a hyper sensitive state. I can easily feel attacked by someone who is just being "blunt". At the end of the day, for me, I always have a part and I try to be honest about it....make amends and move on. Also, I, often times come back and read things a week later when I'm not so emotionally charged and I am able to see that the person wasn't attacking me at all. I learn something from all perspectives given in that thread as a whole.

There are people in this world who say they are "just being blunt" who are really just being rude and then there are people who are "just being blunt" who do it in a very compassionate, empathetic and loving way. There are also people who are "just being blunt" who are just being blunt, nothing else. I tend to respond better to the 2nd kind I mentioned, personally. There is just no way to know for sure, especially when you don't know someone well, to decipher which type of person they are. However, there are those few who are exceptional in their delivery....making their intent unmistakable and their heart really shines through their post!

I agree that disclaimers can be put in someone's online post to let someone else know, who doesn't know them well, what their intent is. There are also a wide array of emoticons which can be utilized to express tone of voice or mood. ------> :D:):hug:

A rule of thumb for me, regardless of my personality type or style of communication, if someone ever feels hurt by it, I put my own pride and ego aside and apologize because I believe that loving someone (online or offline) is far better than anything else in life. I also believe that, at any time, if I feel determined to make my point, then I have failed as a communicator.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Another thing I was thinking of, @Philippa and @catjudo, I have a question for both of you specifically since you both seem to be people who have a blunt communication style.

When another blunt person (someone you do not know), like yourself, comes along and communicates with you bluntly, do you tend to feel attacked by that person or do you feel yourself becoming defensive, confrontational, etc?

 

[catjudo]

Not really. Only when someone does something like tell me that I shouldn't be offering my opinion (because if they don't want various opinions they shouldn't have posted) or they lash out and make accusations like saying I'm lying just because they don't like what I'm saying (if they don't like it, they can take it or leave it; nothing says a person has to accept my opinion).

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@catjudo, are you talking about the thread that I started a while back where I accused you of lying somewhere in the middle of it?

 

[Philippa]

When another blunt person (someone you do not know), like yourself, comes along and communicates with you bluntly, do you tend to feel attacked by that person or do you feel yourself becoming defensive, confrontational, etc?

That's an interesting question.

Actually, I DO with some people who are a lot more blunt than I am...but really only online. It gives me a bit of an insight into how I can come across to others, which I probably need. Different people can handle different levels of behaviours, and I have met people who seem to take bluntness to a whole different level to me, and it's silly but I sometimes do feel attacked by it. I realise how that is a contradiction in my personality, but, it is what it is. :D

I acknowledge that blunt communication can come across as an attack online.

 

[Philippa]

I know when I am being rude, harsh, or harmful to another human being--online or offline, because I feel it in my spirit immediately.

I usually do but sometimes I really don't know I've hurt someone by being blunt. It was raised once on another forum I was a part of and I had no idea I'd actually hurt anyone. No one voiced their feelings of hurt so even though I heard them say I was attacking them...to me I did not feel that what I said was in the spirit of malicious attack and therefore though they felt that way it wasn't actually what was going on. I guess I did not really think further about it and think they were feeling hurt! I look back now and realize just what a bad space I was in then and how I did lash out at people randomly and had many triggers going off that I was having trouble with.

I was kinda alone throughout the experience and they were not the most compassionate lot. I was in the wrong place, but too stubborn to just leave because I wanted to be 'normal' and part of a community of people who were not sufferers. I realise that this was detrimental for me, as well as the people who were patient with me to some degree. I do feel some sense of shame at the moment, looking back on it, but I really did not know I had hurt anyone. I was just very reactive and got confused a lot.

Yes, there are times when I am not as emotionally healthy as usual and I do not recognize it right away, but I will always come back and apologize.

That's very honest of you.

I don't believe differences in communication style or personality is the real issue here. I think it's about not seeing someone as human because the computer screen makes it hard to.

This is true and many people vent their misery and sadism onto strangers online for this reason. It is easier to not see people as people online, and the screen acts as a sort of emotional buffer so anyone can easily justify their behaviour or pretend it's not affecting anyone, so they don't have to look at themselves...especially people who post with anonymous usernames. It's pretty ugly. I sometimes fall into this myself, which I'm not proud of.

For me, I try to imagine the person online is sitting right next to me. It's about a relationship for me. That is most important to me. When I see someone post about something, I imagine I'm sitting right next to them and I task myself with getting to know them by asking questions before just giving my opinion. I don't always do that, but I try to.

That's a great way of counter acting the emotional buffering of a sterile environment like the cyber world. I will use this method and see how it helps with this. :)

There are times when I am super blunt about something because I am a very passionate person and I do hold some really strong belief systems/values. However, I always notice that this kind of communication is not effective when the person hardly knows you. Sometimes it is, but other times it isn't.

Yes, it's not always something that is correct for every context. I admit I sometimes ignore this fact and go ahead and be blunt just because it's how I want to communicate. It's selfish of me.

I, often times come back and read things a week later when I'm not so emotionally charged and I am able to see that the person wasn't attacking me at all. I learn something from all perspectives given in that thread as a whole.

I appreciate how honest you are in this regard. It's a good and honourable way to live.

A rule of thumb for me, regardless of my personality type or style of communication, if someone ever feels hurt by it, I put my own pride and ego aside and apologize because I believe that loving someone (online or offline) is far better than anything else in life. I also believe that, at any time, if I feel determined to make my point, then I have failed as a communicator.

That's a good way to look at it. :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@Philippa, I see you as humble, a very honest person who takes the time to self reflect and who is self aware. Everything that you are being so candid about, I believe even the nicest, most honest people struggle with that from time to time. We are only human. I think it's great that, whatever happened on the other forums, you have grown from it and you choose to look at yourself, even if you didn't necessarily have all of the information from the other side (their intentions, thoughts, tone, motives, etc). You express a character that I find very appealing in life. You're a great lady in my book :)

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou, that was nice to wake up to. :)

 

[9320]

'You have to wade through your own projections', yeah this is true. But how, with the cognitive distortions and the emotional turmoil, stressors, the inability to just switch off and separate it? It is so difficult not to drag it all around with you and sometimes it can be physiological. It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy. Share it in an environment where no one will take it personally and it's considered within the context of a problem, or you can give it a meaning and a name.