Triggered After Handing In Uniform

[Here_Still]

Two nights ago I packaged up all of my work kit and uniform, and yesterday I visited my office to turn in my I.D. and Keys, laptop and et al.,. I also made arrangements for someone from the office to come by and collect the rest of my work kit and uniform.

I was just going through the numbers during my visit, and was still in the moment waiting for someone to come by later and collect my gear. It was a friend of mine, that was ok to have come by and gather my gear. However, my friend was weirded out by my termination from the office and left with a funny attitude.

I get the sense that PTSD is something that is really difficult to manage, even as the focal subject of it, but for your work it can be ridiculous, and for friends it has the potential to really wig them out. It was hard to get my friend to come by and collect my gear, and overall there were a lot of triggers tripped. In some ways it was reminiscent of the French films where the Foreign Legion fellow in dispute had his epaulettes ripped from the shoulder, and held in disgrace.

All night things have been creeping in and ambushing my confidence. My PTSD has been warping my perception of things and turning everything into being MY fault, because I WASN'T good enough, and I COULDN'T handle it, and my USELESSNESS. The trend is there.

You can imagine where this internal dialogue is going.

Why do I feel like I failed? Why do I feel like I let everyone down? Why do I feel like fantasizing about suicide ideation?

Be well all.

 

[Here_Still]

My position of safety seems to have been bumped, and I need to leg it.

 

[scout86]

Why do I feel like I failed? Why do I feel like I let everyone down? Why do I feel like fantasizing about suicide ideation?

I'm not familiar with how things got to where they are right now. I think the answer to those questions is probably "partly because you're human and partly because you have PTSD."

You lost your job, I take it. That's often experienced as a "loss" regardless of the circumstances. More so if it was a job you valued and wanted to keep doing. Feeling a sense of loss and of failure right now seems rather justified and (I hesitate to add) "normal". There is a member here who likes to say that "feelings are not facts:". That's the truth. You may FEEL like a failure right now, but that doesn't mean you ARE a failure. Give yourself time to regroup before you expect yourself to move on.

As far as your friends go, I suppose this was hard for them too, but in different ways. They are going to miss you, no doubt. Maybe your situation also brings up fears within them that the same thing could happen to them.

I wish you well, and I hope for safe passage through what you're dealing with now!

 

[Justmehere]

I am so sorry you were terminated! :(

Why do I feel like I failed? Why do I feel like I let everyone down? Why do I feel like fantasizing about suicide ideation?

Blaming ourselves is a way to cope with pain. Wanting to end it all, it's another way to cope with pain. Being terminated is HUGELY painful. It's on those lists of top 10 stressors in life. When someone already has PTSD, it can have an even bigger impact to pushing us to desperate ways to escape the pain - such as by blaming ourselves or fantasizing about ending it all. @scout86 is right - you are not a failure just because this job didn't work out. (Did they fire you for PTSD symptoms? ugh. I'm so sorry if they did.) I hope your friend will adjust and still be a friend through this. Some are just weird about PTSD. It's not you, but I know it still hurts a lot. :(

In your other post from a few days ago, you talked about the tide was rising, and that you don't feel like you are connecting with your therapist well. I hope you keep reaching out for help and support to get through this rough season. It is a tough road to battle PTSD, but it can get much better and easier. :hug:

 

[Friday]

I'm still hit really hard with uniform stuff. So. Much. Ethos.

When it's someone else, I'm able to get royally pissed off for them. When it's me, however, I blame myself. All the would have beens, and should have dones, and mistakes, and shame, guilt, self loathing.

 

[arfie]

My position of safety seems to have been bumped.

This would be one of my own nastier PTSD triggers. It'll inspire every symptom in my baggage car to start raiding the entire train, all the way to the engine and brake cars. Terrorist hijack mode...

Transitions are hard, even without the PTSD baggage. Steady as it goes, Here_Still. Small steps.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I often enmeshed my life with my job, placing my worth on the poorest of trumped titles, uniforms or school colors. One day, I woke up (with the shake of a therapist:woot:)! He asked me who I was without those titles. I really sputtered for a bit as I tried to identify myself. Started a long journey and some changes in self acceptance + outlook on life.

Perhaps, you may want to discover the same with some positive adjectives (be gentle on yourself please). We are more than a job, so much more. Glad you are here among the forum for some hearty support and applause at your success in discovering the great parts of you.