Relationship Angry That He Didn't Tell Me First

[Glara]

As the relationship or whatever it is with my sufferer evolves, I'm starting to feel angry that he didn't tell me before he started all this. I guess I actually started it by asking what we could've been if we hadn't been long distance, but he's the one that said a lot of much more serious things. Like he wanted to find me and bring to where he lives and have his baby etc etc. He was the one texting every morning, all day at work and before he went to sleep, even sometimes after I went to sleep. Just came on so strong. I loved it! Nobody ever paid attention to me like that. So when he started to withdraw I was devastated. I sent an email breaking it off but saying id be here if he figured out what he wanted. He freaked and somehow I ended up apologizing just because he was so upset. It was a few days after that he told me. I had no idea what it meant. I knew what PTSD was but didn't know about PTSD relationships.

Long story short, I decided to stick it out and it's just overwhelming. My attraction is as strong as it always was and he was afraid I wouldn't feel the same after I saw how much weight he'd gained. I felt exactly the same as always. I just feel angry that he came on so strong before letting me know what I was dealing with. I can't honestly say that I'd feel any different toward him, doubt it, I was always crazy about him. But I think I would've not gotten so caught up in the attention. I thought moving to be closer and making major life changes was something to consider, now I'm thinking it's not realistic.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You can go back an analyze the past, but it won't do you any good. You can tell yourself that you would have done things differently, and maybe you would have, but maybe you would have behaved exactly the same. I say this as no matter how HONEST we are with supporters, they never fully understand. We can TELL them everything about our PTSD and most of the time they say "its not a big deal" or something like that because the truth is that you can't understand it until you've seen it. Don't be angry that he didn't tell you. Be angry that he has PTSD to begin with. And the truth of the matter is that none of us would ever say "hey baby, I have PTSD and I happen to blow up from time to time, still wanna date me?" Nope, that never happens.

 

[Hashi]

none of us would ever say "hey baby, I have PTSD and I happen to blow up from time to time, still wanna date me?"

I'm not sure you can say "none of us" about anything. As a sufferer, I've said something similar to this.

I'm firmly of the belief that any major skeletons should come out of the closet before the first kiss. I may well be different from some other people in that.

I don't think the other party will necessarily do anything differently. And I get that people might hear "PTSD" without knowing what that really means. But they will know something that they wouldn't otherwise. in that at least tney know that PTSD (whatever it is) is there.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I like that you tell someone the "major skeletons" so soon @Hashi. I think that's admirable and takes a lot of courage. I will tell a guy on the first date that I don't want any more children which some would say "whoa, slow down". However I feel like it's perfect timing to discuss BIG issues before we may possibly get closer and realize we want different things!

 

[Glara]

Our situation was a little more complicated because we date in our 20s on and off for over 2 yrs. so it was like picking up where we left off. He didn't know back them that he has PTSD. I am angry that he has it and very angry about why. But I still wish he would have told me before he talked about very serious things that I don't know he's capable of at this point.

 

[Deleted member 27524]

You know we'll just call him "D" told me very soon about his ptsd. I'm the first woman he ever told. It must have taken him great courage. Hugs @Glara

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Oh good lord, there goes Hashi nit picking at words! SMH I guess I need to give you credit in that you are no longer putting words in my mouth and holding them against me! LMAO

I completely DISagree in that major life skeletons need to come out of the closet before the first kiss. Hey baby, I was horrifically raped as a child, what do you think about that? Yeah......NOOOOOO......that crap doesn't come up until later. I think Hashi is living in Victorian times to be honest. Its just asinine to tell people about your trauma that early on!

 

[Deleted member 27524]

I still don't know what "D" specifically caused his ptsd, just that he has it. I have an idea as to why but not sure if I'm correct though. He just tells me "you don't know what I've been through". Which, I don't. Hearing you put it the way you just did so raw and just out there Solara as to why you have ptsd really makes me think. WHAT has he been through? All he ever says in this sweet deep voice "you don't know what I've been through" over and over. The trust you need to have with someone to reveal those specific details would have to be very great.

 

[StarChild]

I think Hashi is living in Victorian times to be honest. Its just asinine to tell people about your trauma that early on!

And I think @Solara, that you come across as if you're in the midst of one of your "highly reactive episodes", as you call it yourself. And as we already repeatedly could enjoy from you this week... - And: Right now, your statements could already be seen as attacking. Sometimes you really seem to have big issues, to accept others opinions as well as their view of the world... What's your problem?

 

[Sighs]

@Glara - I suspect that he wanted to be ready/thought he was ready/hoped he was ready. I can see why you are angry and feel as though he shouldn't have made promises he cannot keep, but I don't think he deliberately set out to deceive you.

As my father is a combat PTSD vet I thought I knew pretty well what I was getting myself into with my vet. Well, not quite. They are different people with different combat experiences and different responses. It is also VERY different being the partner in the situation rather than the child. I guess my point is that no matter what he told you or when he told you and no matter how much intellectual understanding you have - the emotional hurt when he withdraws is just that - hurt!

 

[Glara]

I guess it's more that I wish he hadn't come on so strong when he knew that it probably wouldn't happen. Like I said before, I was always crazy about him so there was nothing for him to to gain by it. I guess it's just what he felt at the moment, but it still messed up my head. I really was trying to figure out how to move out of state and change jobs etc etc, not easy to do in your 50s. Anyway, I'm not really that angry. I just can't figure out what to do next. I'm not going anywhere, I don't really want to end it, not at this point.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@Glara , that is probably a feeling a lot of us supporters have from time to time... then feel guilty about having. Wondering if you knew what you were getting yourself into, would you still have done it.

I don't really have any advice, just offering up some support, and letting you know you aren't alone in feeling this.

 

[scout86]

when he knew that it probably wouldn't happen

Have you talked with him about this? Do you KNOW that he "knew it probably wouldn't happen"?

The whole "find you, bring to where he was at, have his baby" thing sounds pretty over the top. (Think potential stalker.) I don't know WHAT I'd have made of that. It probably would have scared me off completely.

Anyway, there are things on both sides that concern me with your situation. If the relationship is "overwhelming" why would you want to pursue it? It almost sounds like you're desperate enough for attention that ANY attention will do. That's not real healthy for YOU and doesn't seem, to me, to speak well for the potential future of this relationship. Have you thought about therapy for yourself, to help better understand your own wants and needs?