Relationship Angry That He Didn't Tell Me First

[Glara]

@scout86 he's definately not a stalker lol. We knew each other when were young, he'd been to my house many times. What he was saying was he wanted a relationship back then. He was long distance back then as well, and he was unsure of me because of something he was told by someone. I never knew about this until only a few years ago. I was shocked and he regrets not discussing it with me back then.

As for attention, it's true I do want the attention, not sure id describe it as desperate. I was married for over 20 yrs and he wasn't very appreciative of me, so that is absolutely part of it.

 

[Wastinglight]

Hi all. i hope no-one minds me putting in my two cents. I think pretty much everyone has made valid points here. @Glara I've followed your story over the past few months, and I am so sorry to hear that you are still hurting.

My guy told me about his PTSD before we even had a first date. We'd known each other for a while beforehand though, and he'd dropped a few subtle hints, so I strongly suspected he had PTSD before he told me (although my T tells me I have developed 'very long antennae' for picking up on other people's 'stuff'!). As I'd been in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer before, I wasn't fazed, and said it was wasn't a dealbreaker, so off we went. But as @Sighs said - every person is different - the behaviour of my guy when going through a rough patch is worlds away from my ex's. And as @Hashi said, I thought I understood what PTSD entailed when I jumped into this new relationship. Two weeks in, I realised I didn't understand a damn thing about his condition, and I was in over my head. Luckily I found this forum pretty early on, otherwise my fears and insecurities would have completely consumed me months ago, and I would still be running haha! Some other wise person on this forum said a key virtue of a supporter is the Patience Of A Saint - and not a truer word has been spoken.

Anyhoo, to get to the point of my post - I tend to agree with the other posters here when they say that, in the end, it may not have made much difference whether he'd disclosed to you earlier or not. If you're into someone, you're into them, and from how you speak about your guy, sounds like you're very very into him :D. But the pushy-pully thing totally sucks, I'm with you there (me and the rest of the supporter community!). Anyways, it's kind of a moot point now, so I do hope you can find a way forward. I hope that helps in some small way. My thoughts are with you. Hugs.

Oh, one last thought. Feeling angry is a natural response to what you've been through. And anger can be a powerful motivator, so use it to propel yourself out of this funk. Like @Solara said though, make sure it's directed at the right place. It's not your fault. It's not his fault. It just is.

 

[ms spock]

Like he wanted to find me and bring to where he lives and have his baby etc etc. He was the one texting every morning, all day at work and before he went to sleep, even sometimes after I went to sleep. Just came on so strong. I loved it! Nobody ever paid attention to me like that. So when he started to withdraw I was devastated.

I read that your ex didn't pay any attention to you so that this met your needs in a specific way, I respect that, I was wondering though, are you able to meet your own needs enough to manage yourself on the whole or is this a challenge for you?

I sent an email breaking it off but saying id be here if he figured out what he wanted. He freaked and somehow I ended up apologizing just because he was so upset.

See I worry about boundaries here - you are taking on his stuff and that is not good for either of you.

Long story short, I decided to stick it out and it's just overwhelming.

Is this in you best interests or do you think it is filling a void that you might be needing to fill for yourself?

I just feel angry that he came on so strong before letting me know what I was dealing with. I can't honestly say that I'd feel any different toward him, doubt it, I was always crazy about him. But I think I would've not gotten so caught up in the attention.

If it wouldn't have changed anything then why be angry? I don't understand.

I thought moving to be closer and making major life changes was something to consider, now I'm thinking it's not realistic.

I think that is a good thought to have. Moving away from your support networks and life to possibly give up everything for a relationship which may or may not last the next few weeks is not a good way to go in my opinion.

I guess it's more that I wish he hadn't come on so strong when he knew that it probably wouldn't happen. Like I said before, I was always crazy about him so there was nothing for him to to gain by it. I guess it's just what he felt at the moment, but it still messed up my head. I really was trying to figure out how to move out of state and change jobs etc etc, not easy to do in your 50s. Anyway, I'm not really that angry. I just can't figure out what to do next. I'm not going anywhere, I don't really want to end it, not at this point.

So what is the pay off for being in this situation? Is it meeting a tremendously unmet need that perhaps you would be better off learning to meet for yourself before being in a relationship.

Anyway, there are things on both sides that concern me with your situation. If the relationship is "overwhelming" why would you want to pursue it? It almost sounds like you're desperate enough for attention that ANY attention will do. That's not real healthy for YOU and doesn't seem, to me, to speak well for the potential future of this relationship. Have you thought about therapy for yourself, to help better understand your own wants and needs?

I think this a prudent suggestion. You need to value yourself and your needs first and meet them before expecting them from someone else as no one can meet those unmet childhood needs.

Hi all. i hope no-one minds me putting in my two cents. I think pretty much everyone has made valid points here. @Glara I've followed your story over the past few months, and I am so sorry to hear that you are still hurting.

I feel concerned for your pain too, Glara, it is not easy.

Two weeks in, I realised I didn't understand a damn thing about his condition, and I was in over my head. Luckily I found this forum pretty early on, otherwise my fears and insecurities would have completely consumed me months ago, and I would still be running haha! Some other wise person on this forum said a key virtue of a supporter is the Patience Of A Saint - and not a truer word has been spoken.

It is good that people can find solace and guidance here, I do appreciate how giving people are and how much attention to detail they go into. It is most generous.

Anyhoo, to get to the point of my post - I tend to agree with the other posters here when they say that, in the end, it may not have made much difference whether he'd disclosed to you earlier or not. If you're into someone, you're into them, and from how you speak about your guy, sounds like you're very very into him :D. But the pushy-pully thing totally sucks, I'm with you there (me and the rest of the supporter community!). Anyways, it's kind of a moot point now, so I do hope you can find a way forward. I hope that helps in some small way. My thoughts are with you. Hugs.

The push - pull does suck big time I agree. I wish I didn't do it to people. I really wish that was not part of me.

Oh, one last thought. Feeling angry is a natural response to what you've been through. And anger can be a powerful motivator, so use it to propel yourself out of this funk. Like @Solara said though, make sure it's directed at the right place. It's not your fault. It's not his fault. It just is.

I hadn't thought of it this way before and I find this most interesting.

 

[Wastinglight]

I hadn't thought of it this way before and I find this most interesting.

One of my past T's helped me think that way about anger. I think many of us are raised to think that anger is a 'bad' emotion. It's totally not. It's often a sign that something needs dealing with. The trick is to work out for certain exactly what it is that's making you angry. Sometimes you think it's one thing, but upon closer examination, it's something else. Personally I love it when I get angry - it gives me the power to take action and change stuff around (often within myself). Sometimes that's as simple as having an uncomfortable conversation. Or as big as deciding I want out of a given situation. Feeling angry certainly beats the hell out of feeling down, or anxious, or upset. Those just suck all the energy out of me. Anger gives me purpose. It's my favourite 'bad' emotion!

I think @Ms Spock makes an important point about boundaries. Have you sought the advice of a therapist through any of this @Glara?

 

[Friday]

I had PTSD for more than 15 years before I understood anything about it. I just worked around it.

I can look back 20/20 and say... Okay, these guys loved my PTSD as much as me. The changeability, the intensity, the moments of utter weakness where I needed/they could be a knight in shining armor coupled with 90% of the time when That's the last thing I want or need! As well as they gelled with the isolation (reads as independence in certain sitch), thrill seeking, my more fun coping mechanisms, downtime between stressing events, etc. ((And that's valid. It's a big part of who I am. Same as someone loving that I'm tall, or like photography, or whatever. I may have no choice in my height, and I photography can be something that came on later in my life changing everything... But the fact is, both exist. And are pertinent things about me.))

I didn't know any of that at the time. "It" was purely me. This is just who I am, how I operate, what I think/feel. I really, really didn't know how much of my life revolved around either active bouts of PTSD, nor the techniques I used to keep those bouts at bay.

I knew i had PTSD. But I never in a million years would have linked the way I did things in relationships to having PTSD. No way I could have told someone something I didn't even know. These days? I'll let you know once I've gone and started dating again. No idea what or how much I'd tell anyone in advance. New ground.

 

[ms spock]

I think it is inappropriate to spill the beans straight up. Kind of pretty inappropriate really. Just dumping that on anyone is not on in my view. You have to judge and assess each situation as you come to it. There are choices. There are levels of information that people feel comfortable revealing and then there are things people are not comfortable to reveal. People are allowed to have privacy and to tell you things as you ask them and as the relationship develops and deepens.

For someone to have a boundary and not tell you information because of social protocol is not a bad thing. It might not be what you need and want but it is not wrong for people to take time to work out if you are trustworthy or not. In fact if people reveal immediately and merge then that is a sign that neither person has the appropriate boundaries to be in a relationship at this time.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I met my husband through internet dating, and he told me he had PTSD before we met.

He didn't go into details about the cause, other than it related to his police career. So I guess that made it easier than saying to someone "I have PTSD, but can't/won't/don't want to tell you how/why".

 

[scout86]

So I guess that made it easier than saying to someone "I have PTSD, but can't/won't/don't want to tell you how/why".

You know, something about this just made me realize how important it is that the listener be able to accept the answer they get. "I really don't want to talk about it." is an answer, not an invitation to continue digging for information. Not saying this with respect to you, specifically, @Glara , just that, in any relationship, "I don't want to talk about it" should be offered and accepted as is, at face value. Maybe talking about not wanting to talk about it, at some point, is appropriate too, but "No" is an answer.

 

[ms spock]

No means no, and why it isn't taken on face value and respected in so many spheres is puzzling.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

No means no, and why it isn't taken on face value and respected in so many spheres is puzzling.

Some people (my sister and mother for starters) think it is their right, or that they are entitled to know. But a lot of it is ignorance.

I will hold both hands and feet in the air to say that I was totally ignorant about PTSD before I met S. To me it was something that soldiers get, right?! (I know better now, promise.)

 

[ms spock]

Some people (my sister and mother for starters) think it is their right, or that they are entitled to know. But a lot of it is ignorance.

This is worthy of further discussion. I will start a thread in Discussion later in the day. But it really needs to be in another thread. Where do people get all this entitlement from? Is it a capitalistic viewpoint? Has everything and everyone become a commodity?

And @Glara does have some rights in knowing as well. She has a right to understand what she is getting herself to as well. But then in every relationship there will be things that you will only get to know as the relationship progresses as well.

 

[Glara]

When he first told me what was going on it was because he started pulling away. I thought he wa playing head games so I broke it off which really upset him. A few days later he apologiized and told me he has cycles of depression. I asked if it was clinical depression and if so is he being treated? Then he told me is was PTSD, naturally I asked form what? And he told me. He doesn't tell many people. And I didn't ask anymore. He just gave me a brief explanation and I never asked anymore. And I found this forum, thank god! He occasionally mentions things about the cause but I never ask anything.

Anyway I absolutely want to direct my feeling the right way and I'm so grateful for everyone's comments because it's very helpful. I come here to get peoples opinions, people who know more than me becuSe I want to learn. And because I want to use the right emotions when I dealing with him. And I don't want to let him go at least not at this point. So this place is great for me to express what I'm feeling.