An Uncomfortable Question.

[Neverthesame]

I will be going for a medical procedure within the next few weeks to determine if I have bowel cancer. I am not expecting bad news, odds are the test will find nothing. I have however found myself thinking very heavily on the idea of what I want to do should the test come back positive. Over the last year I have regressed back to a point where I am barely in control of my Ptsd symptoms. Medications that used to work, no longer do or make me physically ill. I am at a wall in regards to therapy. Having to deal with the unending anxiety and constant feeling of being unable to get enough air. All the while knowing that there is nothing physically wrong with me. Therefore meaning there is nothing anyone can do for me. I am back in my own hell. The guilt, nightmares, insomnia, fear, anger, and stress. Now comes this possibility of a life threatening disease.

My question however is not in how to cope with this possible future. I am wondering if I should. I have found myself thinking very heavily about not doing anything, should it be found that I have cancer. Is it wrong of me to be considering just letting it take me?

Please bear in mind that I most likely do not have cancer. Nor am I terribly likely to get it in the near future. This is just something that has been on my mind for a while now. It is also something I am not comfortable discussing with people in my personal circle. I also apologise if this is in the wrong place on the forum. As well as any major grammatical errors. I am writing on a mobile phone. Small paragraphs look huge on this screen. Thank you.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi there

I am kind of in the same boat you are -

Although I have a pretty good handle on my PTSD these days, I am about to visit an oncologist to find out if I have bone cancer - it appears that there is a pretty good chance I do.

If I find out I do, I am thinking of not doing a lot of treatment to stop it - and for me it simply comes down to quality of life - I find that I want to be as peaceful and calm so that I can continue to work on myself and my own mental piece of mind instead of getting weighed down with all the medical procedures that take time away from what is important to me which is practicing and working on my spirituality .

Don't know if that helps in any way

Hope things turn out fine for you - Laurie

 

[shimmerz]

I too have directed my peeps that this is my intention as well if I am ever diagnosed with cancer or the such. It makes others really uncomfortable to have me say that and I feel like they think I will change my mind. I know very clearly that that is not the case. I don't want invasive, and I feel if it is my time then it is my time. I totally get what you are saying.

I wish you the best with this.

 

[Whirlwind]

I think I understand...for me it is a strange sense of apathy that has crept up.....no sense of strength to fight the good fight so to speak.

Please bear in mind that I most likely do not have cancer.

Nevertheless, wishing you well.

Whirlwind

 

[Notsowild]

I believe in euthanasia. You shouldn't have to live through a terminal illness if you don't want to. I most definetly don't want to put my children thought that. I have told them that. If I ever get that bad I intend to end it on my terms.

 

[KwanYingirl]

At the least, don't torture yourself with "what if's". Cancer is a disease we all wonder about, but survival rates go up all the time. I won't get treated if I have stage 4 but something precancerous or stage 1 I would definitely treat it and then forget it.

 

[scout86]

"Not doing anything" is an option and deserves to be considered. Cancer wouldn't be my personal first choice as a method of suicide, though.

Sometimes cancer responds well to treatment and the treatment is a temporary issue. I have an aunt, now in her later 80's, who was treated for colon cancer maybe 40 years ago. She has had a full and (I think) good life. She still lives on her own and spends her spare time helping others. She drives, she visits family. You'd never guess her age. I would guess she's glad she got treated and so is everyone else who knows her.

I have a friend right now who was diagnosed with cancer in his colon a few months ago. (Technically his is metastatic melanoma.) They told him he wouldn't live until fall. He elected to go with treatment designed to give him a bit more time, but with the emphasis on quality rather than quantity. He's been through chemo & radiation. He called the other day to say that his last scans found no cancer anywhere in his body. He went on to say "This isn't a cure, you know." And, probably it's not, but it gets him through Thanksgiving for sure and probably Christmas with his family and friends. I think he thinks the treatments have been worth it. I know the rest of us do. (Although we weren't the ones throwing up in front of company!) So, I think he made a good choice and I'm glad he made the one he did. It WAS his choice, though and I'd have supported his choice to do nothing too. More than likely, he'd be dead by now if he'd done that.

When the time comes that the treatment only buys more time for more torture, it's time to stop. Everyone has the right to make that call themselves, I think. But, It seems to me the choice should be made after examining the probabilities and possibilities. Cancer, left to it's own devices, can be a very hard way to die.

 

[Lucycat]

I first met my husband , Rory soon after I lost my big sister to cancer. She was 25 when she died, and I was 19 then. On our first 'date' I spent the evening crying over the loss of my sister and how evil cancer is. He listened and then told me of his own experience. His mother was diagnosed with cancer when his youngest brother was born- a very scary time for the family. Baby number 6 had just been born and they all thought Mum was going to die.- But that had been over 30 years earlier. She had surgery and then very crude radiotherapy - as was available at the time.She survived and led a very comfortable life, including traveling the world. She attended our wedding and did not die until many years later when she was well into her 80s

My point is - don't judge cancer on its name. Listen to the experts and find out the realistic options. My sister died young. My Mother in law lived very many happy years.There is such a diverse possible outcome that you must not make assumptions. Don't condemn yourself to 'no treatment' if a simple treatment will make you 'feel' better. If they had never tried treating children for childhood leukaemia on the grounds that it was cruel to put a child through that ( as used to be said), then we would not have the current 90+% cure rate.

I do actually agree with euthanasia. But on symptoms not diagnosis.

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Exactly scout, If it turns out that the treatment only buys more time for more torture, then it is time to let nature take its course.

And yes, Lucycat - you are right as well - Cancer can come in many forms and there are many treatment options available - From my side, when I get the diagnosis, if it is on the negative side, ultimately, I will have to trust my instincts as to what option might bring me the best possible quality of life for as long as possible.

I have found that the possibility of having cancer certainly puts all my other fears into perspective. I find I am no longer afraid of things that I used to be afraid of - like my scary boss at work and other things that would normally trigger my PTSD.

In a strange way, dealing with this has made me calmer - life is funny

 

[Seagreen]

@Neverthesame and @Laurie McLaughlin how are things now (if its ok to ask)?

 

[Neverthesame]

@Seagreen For me, so far nothing has changed. I go for the colonoscopy this Wednesday. Have to admit I am sort of looking forward to it, it's not every day one gets a chance to really see inside themselves. Anotomical curiosity aside, I am keen to get it over with.
I would also like to say thank you, to everyone who has left such kind supportive comments here. I wish all of you well.

 

[Neverthesame]

Wednesday has come and gone. The procedure sadly, did not go very well. For one thing, the prep required for a colonoscopy is thoroughly unpleasant. Colyte (laxative) as it is called here, tastes like burning plastic and salt, you must drink 4 litres of it in a couple of hours.
All that aside. The reason for the test outweighs the misery of preparing for it.
I don't know why it happened but halfway through the procedure (which I elected to do without sedation as sedatives can make my anxiety worse) I began experiencing pain from the colonoscope. The nurse asked if she could administer medication, I said yes. Shortly after the sedatives took effect (seconds, as it was through IV.) I went straight into meltdown. The procedure was halted, once I had calmed down I was allowed to leave.
I feel quite let down and frustrated by this outcome, not with hospital staff, they were wonderful, kind and patient with me. But with myself for folding once again under the pressure of expectations that I should have been able to meet.