Okay, so whilst I know that I can't get diagnosed by anybody on here, but I just want to know if these symptoms are similar to anything anyone else has gone through. I want to feel less alone, I guess.
Okay, so, I was sexually abused as a child between the ages of I *think* 4-6 years old by my brother (he is 6.5 years older than myself, so he knew what he was doing), but it could have been a lot longer, I have no idea. During the same time my dad was also abusive to all of us and the physical abuse from him only stopped in my teens (16ish years old). My dad and brother still are emotionally abusive to this day, though I try to avoid them as much as possible.
Anyway onto the symtoms:
Okay, so, I was sexually abused as a child between the ages of I *think* 4-6 years old by my brother (he is 6.5 years older than myself, so he knew what he was doing), but it could have been a lot longer, I have no idea. During the same time my dad was also abusive to all of us and the physical abuse from him only stopped in my teens (16ish years old). My dad and brother still are emotionally abusive to this day, though I try to avoid them as much as possible.
Anyway onto the symtoms:
- I have blocked out the ages of 6-10 completely, and the memory I do have prior to the age of 16 is sporadic and mainly foggy, usually negative memories. I lose time in daily life too, and I find it hard to keep track of conversations.
- A lot of my traumatic memories I see from "above" myself, like I'm floating on the ceiling almost. Sometimes, especially with memories relating to my dad, I see myself from "far away" and it's like I'm in a corner (this is really hard to explain).
- Some of the traumatic memories I feel absolutely no emotion to at all. I'm completely numb. Other times some memories can have me in hysterical crying fits.
- I have sometimes got "memories" with no visual or auditory information, but I feel completely overwhelemed with sadness and pain (in my private area...this concerns me because I don't think I was raped...), it feels like something is missing because the emotions are just SO huge they can't be random and they're usually triggered by minor things.
- Sometimes I feel as though I'm watching my life in a movie.
- When I was a child I used to think that everyone and everything was "fake" and that I was the only "real" person, but as I've gotten older, this has shifted and now I more often than not think that I'm not "real" instead.
- When I'm in certain situations I feel like I'm not "me", it's almost as if I am acting (as if I'm playing the part in a movie). It's odd because it feels like I have different versions of "me" for different occasions (e.g. when I was a kid, I had to be quiet and secretive about what my brother was doing because it was "our secret game", but at school I was friendly and helpful - neither of which felt like I was being "me"). Sorry if this one doesn't make much sense I don't know how else to describe it.
