Relationship Ptsd Combat Vet

[windswept]

I like @Larksong 's post above.

I may be reading something incorrectly here, but as I understand from what was posted originally the response was a meltdown on his part & an acting out & words to the effect that "the word 'hate' is only used with killing". Followed by your leaving, & that he owns a gun, something I suspect is more common where you live than I. But of course, that he has combat training. And that you were overwhelmed by his response, & concerned for both your welfare, & of the belief "leaving is what should be done".

There was no "words" and then leaving. It was having sex with the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met to him pushing me off, screaming, and me getting basically verbally pushed out of his house is less than 60 seconds.

 

[windswept]

I like @Larksong 's post above.



Having sex or multiple partners is very different from loving someone, or making love for that matter. If you can't tell which one it is, likely it isn't.

.

I am not having multiple sex partners. I have had several dates with several guys as I am moving on with my life like my PTSD guy told me to do. However, there is a huge push and pull with him saying he will be back to his old self. He said that he hasn't gone out on a date, but doesn't want to take his profile down as then I will take mine down.

He was amazingly perfect for several months before this singular incident. We weren't rushing. He always took the lead and wanted me to meet his family, told me he wanted to be exclusive by deleting his dating profile, making me his girl friend on facebook, helping my friends move, fixing my truck.....

 

[windswept]

@Justmehere

I guess I need to stop thinking back of all the amazingness that he was as a boyfriend. We weren't rushing. He always took the lead and wanted me to meet his family, told me he wanted to be exclusive by deleting his dating profile, making me his girl friend on facebook, helping my friends move, fixing my truck.....

I am sitting here thinking how could all that good happen and then be over in like 60 seconds.

 

[StarChild]

[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/14111/"]@TreeHugger[/DLMURL] - I didn't mean to imply that there was any intentional deception - just serious denial and over-pathologizing of what is really happening.

Neither did I @Justmehere. - But I was really consternated, about her persistently ignoring / avoiding to answer that specific question... If it's no big deal, then why not answer / explain things to people who ask things for a better (deeper?) understanding.

Why are you acting like I am telling "versions?"

First off, I didn't act, I just asked you a questions because I didn't know this:

Ok, I condensed it.

Okay, I bow out of this thread now. Bye.

 

[windswept]

I told the exact same story many, many times. There was no "talking," "deciding to leave," it was either leave as he was going completely off/scaring me, or try to yell over him or touch him.

 

[Tinyflame]

I am sitting here thinking how could all that good happen and then be over in like 60 seconds.

I guess this is what many are trying to explain here, that such a thing (or a version of it) is characteristic of ptsd, not unusual (this is the reality research papers don't capture, info from text is sterile and devoid of emotion, unique characteristics, & history).

IMHO it requires people who have the living experience (often from trauma(s) themselves) & individual maturities to realize, firstly, it's not over in those 60 seconds, & then what best to do about it.

As far as your own choice goes, if you want to date other people, then choose that (not because he said it), otherwise it does nothing to work on your relationship with him, nor is all that productive with a new partner. Or maybe take a break from dating to sort out how you feel.

" Is 'he' salvageable" I really don't think is compatible with relationship, not the necessary respect, understanding & compassion to offset the circumstances & histories & wounding associated with ptsd. JMHO of course.

Best wishes.

 

[Tinyflame]

Just one last thing @windswept , you see, I see a 3rd choice (because of living with ptsd, & understanding how to de-escalate violence), that is to 'stop'. To stop, be calm, to wait long enough to identify the trigger & see if there is a word that would break through to him.

Sorry, I can't find the words myself, too tired. Sometimes even "I'm sorry, I didn't understand" is a beginning. In any relationship. But it has to come from a place of compassion & non-judgement (while protecting yourself).

 

[windswept]

@Junebug

You don't understand there was no talking to him. He was screaming at me shaking screaming about guns, killing, and calling the police to remove the stupid b****.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm so now the automatic response of a sufferer in the middle of a flashback episode is abuse? I'm a bit disturbed at this statement considering that many combat vets go right back to the war zone when they're in a flashback. You all are acting as if he's an alcoholic wife beater. For shame.

I have yet to see how this guy is being such a jerk to you.

And yes, I'm shocked at the statement in which you say that ptsd sufferers are violent.

Again, please let this guy go. He's on the right path toward healing. He doesn't need a partner who puts him down for not being at 100%.

 

[windswept]

@Solara

Ok, that's it. I have been told I don't care, that I abandoned him, that I am cheating on him, that I am changing my story, that I am saying that I am somehow an ARROGANT expert in PTSD.....

If anyone would READ what I was saying, you would know none of this is true.

I WAS SAYING THAT WHEN SOMEONE HAS PTSD HE OR SHE MAY DO THINGS HE OR SHE NORMALLY WOULDN'T DO. Never in a million years did I think my guy could EVER physically harm me, but that night I am pretty sure he was going to do something.

 

[Justmehere]

@windswept - whoa. Take some deep breaths. We are not against you. Everyone who has been responding to you has PTSD or has a ton of experience supporting someone with PTSD.

You are now yelling something at us that you have already said a million times. I think it is clear that you believe that someone with PTSD would do things because of the PTSD he or she wouldn't normally do if they didn't have PTSD. Instead of arguing if that is true or not - let's stick with that for a moment.

There is no cure for PTSD. If his behavior to make you feel like your life is in danger is due to PTSD, then.you can almost expect it to happen again.

Your simple belief he put your life in danger is enough of a reason to let this guy go. In 60 seconds he was yelling and screaming about killing and guns. And those 60 seconds are likely to happen again. That's the reason to let him go. It's not like some random glitch that you shouldn't worry about ever happening again. He had PTSD. He had a very serious mental health condition. I try to look for reasons for someone to stay in a relationship with someone with PTSD but I don't see a single reason for you two to stay together.

In the end, the choice is yours. You asked if the guy was salvageable, and I think the consistent response you are getting is advice to let him go and move on. That's probably really hard to read. We are not the enemy. You can take or leave the advice you are getting and make the decision you choose.

Everything you describe about dating him is rushing it for someone with his level of symptoms and behavior, whatever that behavior is due to. You say you were not rushing it but clearly it was too much. Too close. Too fast. And he freaked. And even if his freaking out was due to PTSD, that is no excuse for his behavior.

You say you went from having sex to being out the door in 60 seconds - and in those 60 seconds you feared for your life and his, and you described him being threatening.

It wasn't over in 60 seconds. It wasn't perfect to horrible in 60 seconds. Read back on all your posts again. You describe a lot of red flags over a time frame of more than 60 seconds.

Why the push back on letting him go? Why do you want to stay?

 

[scout86]

@windswept , I don't know this guy, or his background, other that that he's a combat vet & he has PTSD. Some combat vets with PTSD had the PTSD BEFORE they went in to combat, from other things. Don't know if this is true of this guy or not, but it's something to consider.

At least some of my own "trauma" involves sex. By now, I know myself and my reactions well enough to know that there are a couple of things related to sexual situations that I have some problems with. (And I'm dramatically minimizing when I put it that way.) At some point in a relationship, if it looks like sex is going to come up, I've decided that I need to mention this to a potential partner. Generally, what I say is, "If you do 'this' stuff is going to happen and it won't be good." If that's a deal breaker, fine. It's a good way to sort the wheat from the chafe. But, SOMETIMES, they don't take it seriously enough. Sometimes they don't get it, or are so into what THEY want that they lose track, or what ever. In that situation, I can absolutely guarantee that I'm going to be triggered to the extent that something bad might happen but it probably won't be happening to me. And, I know, by now, that what I'm seeing/hearing/ experiencing in the moment won't be the same version of reality as anyone else in the room. This is REALITY. It just IS. Does that make me a jerk, if I blow up at someone in that situation? Or try to hurt them? Because in my version of reality, in that moment, it's going to be life or death, him or me, and it just IS. If it does, so be it.

I don't know that what happened in your situation was a flashback, but it sure sounds like it. From my perspective there was no part of that that was him "treating you" in any particular way. He was reacting to the situation as he perceived it, from the sound of it. That doesn't make what happened YOUR fault either. Had you mentioned in your original post, that he told you to leave, you leaving wouldn't have struck me as a questionable idea. You didn't. So, I made the assumption that you just walked out on him. My first choice would have been for the person in your position to realize what was probably going on (since you knew he had PTSD and have a good understanding of what that involves) and then for that person to quietly and calmly try to assure the person having the flashback that things were ok, everyone was safe, what ever it was they thought was going on wasn't what was going on, etc. (Assuming all of that to be true,) Just walking out on him seemed rather heartless, but, if he told you to leave, then leaving was the right thing to do.

When you gave the condensed version of the story, you condensed out some pertinent info, I guess.