General Why Am I The Only One Being Pushed Away?

[Confused14]

Hi all :) I'm new here and have been reading posts all night. It is really helping, so thank you.

I have a "friend" (because he is too scared/incapable of commitment to label it anything else) who is a combat vet suffering from ptsd. We have been together for just under 2 years. A week ago today he cut me off. We went to an nfl football game, and I think there were multiple triggers. It was a 3 hr ride, and he's not good on long car rides. The day seemed to be going good until the ride home. I asked him what was wrong and he said "you are what is wrong" I was shocked, hurt and confused. He has pushed me away 2 other times in the past 2 years. Each time it lasted about a month or so. But everything has been really good for the past 8 months. He has a 3 year old son (visitation) who I help out with a lot. He also doesn't drive so I am always bringing him wherever he needs to go. I try to remind myself that it not me, it is the ptsd but it is so hard. First he told me that he is done. He said I dsrespected him and wasn't there for support. Which is so far from the case. I'm sorry, this is really long. I'll get to the point... He says he needs space, and the things I've read talk about avoidance and withdrawl. But why is it only from me? It has only been 1 week and he brought his son on a play date with a woman he says is a friend. I asked him about it because he is putting it all over social media, knowing I will see it, and acting like everything is great and his life couldn't be better. Meanwhile I've been crying all week. When I asked him about it he said it's not what I think and that it doesn't matter what I think. Why is he only hurtful and distant from me?? And pretending to be so happy? Does he truly not care at all how this is making me feel? It's so lonley and confusing.

 

[Sighs]

Hugs if you accept them!

The best explanation I've been given was by @FridayJones. She helped me see my vet's angry outbursts as emotional vomits. I end up covered in emotional vomit because I'm there - not because I deserve it.

It sounds to me like your "friend" is pretending to himself that everything is fine and a new female friend is often just the thing to help that illusion along. Block him from your social media. You don't need it rubbed in your face.

 

[Kerbear]

Thank you:) confused14 was me, I just registered so the name changed (something a little more positive) I do not deserve it I know, especially since I am one of the only people who are actually there for him. It just sucks to feel like he couldn't care less.

 

[CrazyHorse]

I try to remind myself that it not me, it is the ptsd but it is so hard.

Welcome,

The behavior you describe cannot be blamed on PTSD. It is a rude, unacceptable behavior towards you!

 

[Kerbear]

Then I don't know how to explain it :( he is not usually a rude or mean person, only if he is having an episode. It is like he is a completely different person right now. It seems like he has mild ones which may last a day and then he is ok, or he has a severe one (I've seen 2 similar to this is 2 years that lasted about a month) where he completely shuts me out, tells me I deserve better and that he's never going to change. I never said I want him to change. Ive told him many times that I accept him for him and will do all I can to support him. He won't listen to anything at all that I have to say. He won't even talk to me at all at this point in time. It is almost like a switch has been flipped. This feels like a bad dream, like it's not really happening. I've been waking up crying when I realize it's not a dream. I know I need to focus on me and take care of myself but it's really hard.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Hi Kerbear,
You explained it well. It is not the isolation part that worries me, it is fairly normal for sufferes, although the hurtful way it is often done, is not something I would ever do to my loved ones.

You are new here, and I understand your frustration in what you describe. However, it is also frustrating to be a sufferer of PTSD, and time after time read about how PTSD is used as an excuse to treat other people like garbage.

Here are some examples of the rude and unacceptable behavior I was referring to:

He also doesn't drive so I am always bringing him wherever he needs to go

I have a "friend" (because he is too scared/incapable of commitment to label it anything else)

You have been together for about two years, but he refuses to refer to you as other than his friend is a red flag in my opinion.

I asked him what was wrong and he said "you are what is wrong" I was shocked, hurt and confused.

He said I dsrespected him and wasn't there for support. Which is so far from the case.

. But why is it only from me? It has only been 1 week and he brought his son on a play date with a woman he says is a friend.

I asked him about it because he is putting it all over social media, knowing I will see it, and acting like everything is great and his life couldn't be better. Meanwhile I've been crying all week.

 

[Kerbear]

Hi CrazyHorse, thank you. He is the only person sufferring from PTSD that I have had experience with, so it is diffficult for me to decipher the difference between the PTSD and him just being a jerk. As I said, he does not normally act like this at all. He usually, kind, generous and sweet. You are correct in that his refusal to acknowledge me as his gf should have been a red flag, and I do know that is not fair, especially since we have been together everyday, know each others families and I help him with his son. I know he cares about me and appreciates me in his life so if the pressure of the title was going to cause stress, I did not need that title. From what I understand PTSD can kind of take control, please if I am wrong correct me if I am wrong, so I figured him being a jerk was just the only way he could deal with what was going on inside of himself, and that he couldn't control it. Thank you for shedding a bit of light.

 

[Kerbear]

I forgot to mention that he is an alcoholic who is in recovery, he has been sober for 4 years, but that may also still play a role. I do not want to excuse his behavior it's just hard to accept "he's just a jerk" because this behavior is not the norm.

 

[CrazyHorse]

Everyone is different. And you are not wrong in that PTSD can take control. But we still have a responsibility in how we treat others (and ourselves). Maybe he is being a jerk because of his PTSD, maybe he would not be if he did not have PTSD. I don't know, but that is not really the point. The point is that his behavior is not acceptable regardless of a PTSD diagnosis behind it.

I do not mean to pick what you have said apart, but I have to comment that it is not the title of a relationship that causes stress, but the relationship itself...

 

[CrazyHorse]

it's just hard to accept "he's just a jerk" because this behavior is not the norm.

People are rarely just one thing! Because of that, we are often ready to ignore or endure a lot of hurtful behavior. And in your case - look for reasons behind it that would sort of make it okay. But in fact, it is never okay. The best advice I can give you, is to take a long hard look at your own boundaries. i.e, what is acceptable to you? How do you want to be treated? What is okay and what is not? Would his hurtful ways of treating you feel less hurtful to you if you knew for an absolute fact that it was only because of PTSD? Or would it kind of still feel hurtful? What I am getting at, is does it really matter what lies behind it? We use huge amount of our time trying to understand and excuse others when they hurt us. Time that would be far better spent looking at ourselves and establishing healthy, better boundaries.

 

[Kerbear]

All good points, thank you. It's sounds strange maybe, but if I knew for an absolute fact it was only ptsd it would still be hurtful but not quite as bad. I am an adaptable person by nature, and try to accept people flaws and all, but it is true I am spending too much energy on this. I should not be so compromising and available for someone not willing to do the same for me. I am ceasing all contact with him because trying to talk and be there for him gets me no where but hurt. We go to the same gym so that is going to be awkward. Thinking about the pain he lives with has led me to put his needs before mine I suppose. It will be hard, especially since his 3 yr old and I have a strong bond, but it seems best for me to move on from him.

 

[Sighs]

In my experience PTSD can cause nice people to act like jerks sometimes. (As can alcoholism, as can depression, as can autism etc etc.)

Eventually you get to a point where you no longer care why the person is treating you that way - you just need it to stop. And if that means cutting that person out of your life then that is what you need to do.