What Do You Call That Feeling?

[Intrepid]

When I feel what you describe I call it flooding. Its as if all the boundaries I had around my fear fall down and all that I want to keep away from comes flooding in.

Is that what it's like?

 

[sun seeker]

Thanks Intrepid, I appreciate your asking. Not really, from that description, but thank you, you're on the right track and I'm glad you've come up with a descriptive name to describe what you feel. Fear really isn't the main emotion I'm getting at - another reason I'm not going with the anxiety diagnosis. The "overwhelmed" label fits better, but that too is often used so nonchalantly that if I use that, I'll give the wrong impression. It really is like torture, or like being doomed to eternal hell, and it is mostly on the emotional level but so all-encompassing that the boundaries between what is emotional and what is physical are confused. Almost as if I could feel pain outside of my body because it doesn't all fit inside. Sometimes I can almost hear a small child screaming and screaming inside of me.

Besides wanting a name so I can explain it to my therapist - I did copy down what I wrote originally to show her - I guess part of why I'm asking is the hope that if I had a name for it, it would help me explain it to people who think they get what is going on and give me advice that doesn't fit because they're on a completely different page. Like in a recent thread where someone was saying how tired they were of people using the term PTSD lightly, or like, as I commented on that thread, how lightly people talk about depression. I've had people (including a therapist) tell me I should just live my life and feel my feelings as they come up. If they knew the intensity of what it is I am trying to avoid, they wouldn't say that. Sort of like you might advise someone to keep training through a pulled muscle, but you wouldn't tell them that if you realized their pain was caused by a broken leg.

I was wondering whether this is a common feeling in people with CPTSD, but so far it doesn't seem so. (Please everyone, let's not resume the debate over whether CPTSD exists or not!)

 

[Intrepid]

If they knew the intensity of what it is I am trying to avoid, they wouldn't say that. Sort of like you might advise someone to keep training through a pulled muscle, but you wouldn't tell them that if you realized their pain was caused by a broken leg.

I blow those guys off. For me PTSD has a side effect of ripping language apart. So I make a lot of mistakes describing what I'm going through. Those who are quick to judgment might say I'm using terms lightly, when in reality I'm in too much pain or confusion to be as descriptive as they want.

 

[joeylittle]

@sun seeker, can you describe the physical symptoms in more detail? I think it might end up being useful for you to describe them that way to your therapist as well - instead of trying to put a name on a bundle of symptoms.

You've described the cognitive symptoms, but how about these:

• increased heart rate
• racing heart rate
• shortness of breath
• drop in blood pressure (this is that sensation many people know as feeling faint when they stand too quickly)
• sweating
• dry mouth
• tremor unrelated to heart rate

I'm sure there could be others, just trying to make a basic list...

 

[sun seeker]

I wrote a reply and then had a computer glitch and had to log in again. Sigh...

can you describe the physical symptoms in more detail?

joeylittle, there aren't any particular physical symptoms, unless you count the dizziness caused by trying so hard to stop crying and control my breathing, but that's more a result than a symptom. It's more like... suppose you had one container for your thoughts, another for your emotions and another for your physical sensations. My "emotional" container is so overflowing when I get like this that the agony I feel gets mixed into the "physical" container as well. It's intense pain but not in any particular place. I've thought that maybe it comes from a time so early in my life that there are no definite boundaries between my body and emotions when I'm in that state, the way an infant might feel if it was completely overwhelmed. Sorry, I know this isn't making a lot of sense.

The list of possible symptoms you posted sounds like a panic attack. It's definitely not that.

Intrepid, I'm not sure if I understand what you are saying. Do you mean that PTSD is so intense that normal language is inadequate to describe it accurately? If so, I agree.

Actually, I just read your description of dissociation in another thread, and although what I am trying to describe is not exactly that, the intensity and how much it affects your life is similar. I think your description is eloquent.

 

[digger]

I'm not sure there is one single word for it, but I think the paragraph in your original post where you describe it would be really useful for your new therapist to read. She'd probably, hopefully, actually prefer to hear what it's like at a real, personal, level for you anyway than a checklist of technical terms?

The only words I could come up with were intense anguish or overwhelming angst - but I don't think they will cover it for you either.

 

[joeylittle]

My "emotional" container is so overflowing when I get like this that the agony I feel gets mixed into the "physical" container as well. It's intense pain but not in any particular place.

I identify with this feeling; I get it when I'm in a flashback, when I'm grief-stricken, or when my depression is bad. I still think its OK to describe things in the physical, even if they are caused by the emotional. Like, one symptom you are showing is uncontrollable weeping. Sometimes its just really helpful to include those things as such when talking to our doctors, instead of trying to pin down the "why" of them by ourselves.

 

[Friday]

I usually describe that as either being gutted, or a bawling wreck, depending on whether tears are involved or not.

Strong 2nd for cut pasting your description and bringing it with you. Subjective Units of Distress are subjective for a reason. Like the 10 pain scale. For some childbirth is a 10. For others a 5. It's still the same word,though... And generally similar pain. Even if it were identical pain, it will affect 2 people differently, as pain thresholds are different in all of us. Devil in the details. May be a pain to describe, but the shading is often more important to describe, that the outline.

 

[Seagreen]

@sun seeker When I was about 18 I came across something very disturbing. I was in a position to do something about it. Without revealing too much, it was a choice to either end suffering or walk away. I desperately wanted to end the suffering but was unable to bring myself to do it. Instead I stood completely frozen unable to take my eyes of what was happening. I wasn't dissociating at all. There was a full range of emotions which I can only describe as sickening, disturbing, a sense of doom, extremely confronting and inescapable. This is not a perfect description but its the best I can do with the words I have. Often I get this feeling even now. Sometimes I associate it with death or fear of death. I cant dissociate from it like I can from pain, fear or anxiety. It feels like it just sits there. I described it to my therapist once and she said that it sounds like horror. I think that horror may be what you have described.

 

[Rumors]

My "emotional" container is so overflowing when I get like this that the agony I feel gets mixed into the "physical" container as well. It's intense pain but not in any particular place.

I call it dread. I experience the same exact things. Dread is the closest I have come to being able to describe the emotion that overcomes me. It is really a fear of what has happened in the past and what is to come in the future. I just dread dealing with it. If I knew what the future held, I probably wouldn't leave my house. Given I know what the past has brought, it makes me dread the future to the point where I just want to become a hermit and maybe everybody will leave me alone..

Have you processed your trauma? (Processing isvery ddifferent than talking about it)

What exactly is "processing"? I am not sure what that means in relation to trauma. Does it mean you can talk about it without it bothering you? Are you at peace with it? Do you understand it? I am lost when it comes to that. ;) thanks!

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not sure there is one single word for it, but I think the paragraph in your original post where you describe it would be really useful for your new therapist to read.

Yes, I've now done this. I'll add some of the descriptions I came up with later because my first description got two people calling it anxiety, which tells me I didn't explain it adequately at first.

I identify with this feeling; I get it when I'm in a flashback, when I'm grief-stricken, or when my depression is bad.

Thanks, I identify with the bit about when you are in a flashback. It's clear to me that these are emotional flashbacks, which is not a term often used but one I find very helpful. I used to have a friend (emphasis on used to) who would try to reason with me when I was in that space. He thought he was being helpful. Umm, no!

Like the 10 pain scale. For some childbirth is a 10. For others a 5. It's still the same word,though... And generally similar pain.

Yes, I like that too. A scale of emotional pain. Might be a good way, too, to measure whether it's gradually getting better. (By the way though - childbirth is a lot more painful for some women than others. Having had a traumatic birth myself, I just wanted to point that out.)

I'm a Grey's Anatomy fan and have watched most of it multiple times on DVD. There is a place where Christina is describing Meredith, who has "severe abandonment issues" as being at an 8 on any given day, and complaining that her boyfriend didn't understand that. I liked that. Think I'll start using it.

What exactly is "processing"? I am not sure what that means in relation to trauma. Does it mean you can talk about it without it bothering you? Are you at peace with it? Do you understand it? I am lost when it comes to that. ;) thanks!

I think it means releasing it on a physical level so the brain changes it caused are no longer so severe. For someone with "simple" PTSD that would mean getting back to the level of functioning they were at before. For those of us with trauma dating from early childhood, there is no "before" to get back to, so the task is much more complicated.

When Solara asked and I said I was unsure how to answer whether I have processed my trauma, and she said I would know if I had... what I didn't explain was the reason it's hard to answer is I have dabbled in so many modalities, some of which would be considered processing, but haven't stuck with any one method for very long. For example, I've used EFT, which is one way of releasing trauma by tapping on specific points while thinking about the trauma, but it doesn't seem to work for me. I've worked a bit with re-evaluation counseling, which is basically expressing emotions related to past events in a supportive environment. But because I have such big safety issues - what I need to express feels so big and out of control - there have been very few times I actually felt I was releasing anything. That's why I was unclear: I've done some trauma processing work, but wouldn't say I've processed my trauma anything like completely.

I'm seeing from all the answers to my question that our language probably doesn't have words for things like this. I'm somewhat dismayed. You know how in George Orwell's 1984, language was being cut back with the end goal of a populace that couldn't even feel their oppression because they had no words with which to describe it? Language is powerful. We need some new words. I'll think about this.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @sun seeker , I'm not quite sure if what you describe is unusual to ptsd, as I have/ had it too, often as you described in the first paragraph somehow congruent with loss. And the horror of crying a river of tears with no relief. Or nothing at all. There is pain beyond words. I've heard my sister describe it that way, & she knows I understand, because I've felt/'feel' the same. I don't know if she has ptsd but I know where I'm at.

I think if it comes & goes it can be emotional flashbacks. I also don't think it unusual at all that it manifests physically, +/or at some level isn't a breaking-down of something in the body, albeit not fatal but fueling or potentially contributing to bodily breakdown.

What I have found though is that it can be more complicated than it appears: for example an emotional flashback interfacing with depression or helplessness in the present, fear or worry (I have read of your challenging relationship to your mom), also thoughts or beliefs (like loyalty), depression or helplessness to the future (giving up or not finding purpose to the future has to do with fear), exhaustion etc. Also boundaries etc.

I am not sure however that processing means a return to the previous functioning even with a single incident, & I think that can cause one to lose heart if they expect that, or think they are doing something 'wrong' if it doesn't happen. Because ptsd never leaves. But a 'new normal' can be defined & accepted.

Best wishes to you. :hug: