News Breastfeeding In Public?

[rightkindofme]

@rightkindofme thank you for your words. Sadly for me - I had to add infertility into the mix. I am now 50 so no it will never happen, but I always wished for the opportunity to try. Now that I am 'old' it seems like the understanding has gone and I am expected to stick up for today's youngsters and ignore my own hurt.

Oh gosh. I can see how that would cut like a knife. I don't think you need to stick up for today's youngsters (not that my opinion on this topic matters much). I think you need to stick up for you. If you are really upset by breastfeeding, I think it would be completely reasonable to ask people in your life not to do it in front of you. I had friends who asked me not to nurse in front of them and because of the personal relationship I complied. I didn't visit with them very often so it wasn't a big hardship to be respectful. If we had been spending a whole day together I probably wouldn't have complied...

I don't think you need to ignore your hurt. There is no good to be gotten from ignoring your pain. You matter. Sometimes I think it is really hard to figure out where our hurt/other peoples hurt can match up in a way that works out. Breastfeeding is a really hard thing for you to see. Many mothers have big psychological issues with feeling like they are bad for feeding their kids. This stuff is hecka complicated.

I think your pain matters. But if push came to shove and we were sitting in a restaurant I would say the need of the infant to eat is more *immediate*. It's not "more important". It is more immediate. You have a lot more ways accessible to you to deal with your pain. (Although dear goodness it gets old having to manage PTSD issues around all the triggers in the world.) The baby can't eat any other way. (Well, after a year they can start seriously eating...) I think you would be entirely within your rights to get up and walk out of a building if a woman sat down in front of you to nurse. You DON'T have to stay or be supportive. It's not your obligation.

I don't know about you, but for me the things that are the hardest to ignore are the things that other people want me to ignore the most. As soon as someone tells me I should ignore or be permissive of something... I just can't ignore it anymore. Now it is the elephant in the room. I can imagine that ignoring breastfeeding would feel like that. Trying to "not look" makes it the focus of your day.

I wish I had an easy solution for managing this kind of situation. :-\

 

[ghotiff]

Trying to "not look" makes it the focus of your day.

This was something which changed for me being surrounded by breastfeeding mothers. Due to life circumstances I've spent a decade seeing women breastfeed in a very upfront unashamed way. Once I let myself look (actually I was staring, and embarrassed for doing so) but I knew the mother would be fine about me staring. It was this I think that really helped me lesson my emotions on the topic.

my perpetrator tried to do 'pretend ' breast feeding from me as a teenager

This is so not okay and you have every right to your emotions on breastfeeding.

 

[digger]

but I would also like some adults to understand why it hurts me so much.

I think it's completely understandable, and I don't think you should ignore your own hurt around it. Something natural was taken from you and turned into something very unnatural. As you've identified though, the problem is not with breastfeeding, it is with the way that was twisted into something else for you.

From my point of view, I think the harm in asking the woman to 'be discreet' that you mention in your OP is that that is so subjective. Who defines what is discreet and what isn't? Most of the breastfeeding mothers I know, and have known, do not hide away or throw covers over themselves while feeding their children, but nor are they standing on the tables flapping their boobs around and calling for an audience. They are sitting down getting on with what they're doing with their baby's head covering most of their breast. Unless someone is choosing to watch them feed then they are unlikely to see more than that, and then I'd ask why they were choosing to watch so intently!?

I don't have an issue with breasts being seen as sexual. I have an issue with breasts being seen as only sexual. When a mother is breastfeeding her child there is nothing sexual about it. If people can't differentiate between the two, then that's a problem they need to address themselves in my opinion, not the mother feeding her child.

 

[Lionheart]

After re-reading this thread up to this point, I want to apologize (especially to the op) if my original reply seemed insensitive!!!!

I was trying to be cute......and while I still believe a mother has the right to decide if she wants to breastfeed her baby in a restaurant, and those who don't like it probably should not look....

....given that everyones experiences, views and sensibilities will vary...I have decided a little common courtesy/ discretion is called for.

 

[rightkindofme]

....given that everyones experiences, views and sensibilities will vary...I have decided a little common courtesy/ discretion is called for.

So... are you going to define common courtesy then? Cause I'm pretty sure you and I don't agree on what that is.

 

[Lionheart]

No, I do not want to decide what the definition of common courtesy should be for everyone else.

I know what it means to me, but what I really wanted to do was to make an apology for being insensitive and so this is where I will kindly step off.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I feel like everything here has been said, but @Lucycat, just want to give you a (((hug))). What happened to you is wrong on pretty much every level imaginable. I can understand your discomfort.

On the topic of breastfeeding in public, I think it's fine. I think asking people to feed their baby in a bathroom is rank though. My cousin fed all three of her kids and it struck me as totally normal. I found it uncomfortable the first time I witnessed her feeding her eldest, but I realised that was my problem, not my cousin's and certainly not her child's.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to feed a child, but I think anyone who isn't either the mother or child should mind their own business. If you are uncomfortable, remove yourself from the situation and don't watch. It is sad that some people have to look after their own head's and avoid seeing breastfeeding, but I guess it's just one more potential PTSD trigger the sufferer needs to be aware of. As for everyone else who in my humble opinion, has no reason to be offended...well, they need to grow up. Breasts are sexual when having sex, they are not when feeding a baby. If you can't get your head around that then well, simply leave. It is not the mother's fault you see their flesh as sexual in a situation where it is not.

On that point, I always find it ridiculous that females can't go around topless. Maybe that's my gender er, issues becoming apparent there though. Who knows, who cares?! I think sometimes breasts are sexual, most of the time they're not. Understand the difference and leave the mother be.

 

[GWhizz]

@Solara I doubt many breastfeeding mama's do so with the intent to 'force' others to watch. Quite the opposite in fact. I'm pretty self conscious about my boobs - in fact I hate them, they're too big in my opinion. Which makes feeding discreetly even more awkward! Covering up is pretty hard especially with a newborn who finds it hard to latch and you have to use your two hands just to get them positioned! I usually got my partner to block other people's view and he would just tell me 'relax, no one cares or is bothered looking'. And he was right - no one in their right mind did care or comment. I'm not the type to interfere in another's business.

What gives a stranger the right to tell someone to eat in a filthy public restroom?!

Well said @digger and @Ice_Fire people need to learn to differentiate childcare from sex.

Is it just me, or is it only more sexual objectification by viewing a woman's breasts as for exclusive sexual use only? Confused.com

 

[Seagreen]

Firstly breastfeeding is not a choice. Breastfeeding is the normal way for a baby to eat. Human milk is a babies life support system after birth and for the first 12 months (or longer). There is no other substitute that even comes close to human milk for babies. Using an infant formula is a choice and for some it is a necessity. I've done both and don't judge people who use formula BTW.

Society (at least ours) is a bit confused. It is ok to show breasts provided that it is done in sexual or provocative way but when using them in the normal way as they were designed some people don't like.

Sadly I already knew people would harass me for wearing a swim suit but I didn't expect to be made to feel ashamed for feeding my baby. I thought I was doing a really good thing feeding my daughter but when I read things like this it makes me feel disheartened and like I am doing something perverted. As a victim of sexual abuse I resent anyone that would compare breastfeeding to sex or child abuse.

Breastfeeding is actually a really sweet intimate bond that is shared between mother and child. The closest thing I can compare it to is the feeling you get when you smell a new baby or when they smile at you for the first time, or reach out and grab hold of your finger.

Breastfeeding is really hard at first for most people. It is painful in the early days with bleeding, swelling and sometimes infection to the breasts. Many mothers give up in the first few weeks. For people who have had sexual traumas, breastfeeding can be extremely challenging and they deserve extra support and encouragement if they are able to do it. If you have a problem watching a baby breast feed because it triggers past childhood abuse. Imagine what it is like for mothers who have also been abused but make that sacrifice to breastfeed their babies anyway. All mothers deserve support and encouragement for caring for their babies (no matter how baby is fed).

Because of how I feel about the stigmas around breastfeeding I didn't want to leave my house for a long time after my daughter was born. She fed every 2 hours and sometimes would need a top up in between. I didn't want to risk having to feed her when we were out so I rarely did anything outside of our home, even grocery shopping. My mental health has really suffered and I've gone back into full blown PTSD symptoms since her birth. I'm sure that isolating myself has been a contributing factor. But I wont give up because my daughter needs me.

I've slowly started venturing out again and when I do have to feed her in public no one seems to even notice. Even if they saw part of my breast it would be less than they would see if I were wearing a bathing suit. Besides this is not the point. The point is I'm not a perverted slut wanting to show off my body to the world. I'm a loving caring mother nurturing my child.

We all have to live in this world. If it makes you uncomfortable that is your problem. Life is uncomfortable..

Before I had children I didn't understand any of this. I didn't have the experience or knowledge to form an opinion. I will never have the knowledge or experience to judge another person in my life. I try to remember this when I find myself being critical of others.

I try to breastfeed around my older children as much as possible so that they can grow up seeing it as a normal everyday thing to do (which it is). Hopefully the next generation will be better.

Hopefully we can all just recognise that life is hard and we can only love and support each other.

 

[Pencil]

Breastfeeding is not a moral issue.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Breastfeeding is actually a really sweet intimate bond that is shared between mother and child. The closest thing I can compare it to is the feeling you get when you smell a new baby or when they smile at you for the first time, or reach out and grab hold of your finger.

Breastfeeding is really hard at first for most people. It is painful in the early days with bleeding, swelling and sometimes infection to the breasts. Many mothers give up in the first few weeks. For people who have had sexual traumas, breastfeeding can be extremely challenging and they deserve extra support and encouragement if they are able to do it. If you have a problem watching a baby breast feed because it triggers past childhood abuse. Imagine what it is like for mothers who have also been abused but make that sacrifice to breastfeed their babies anyway. All mothers deserve support and encouragement for caring for their babies (no matter how baby is fed)

I knew I wanted babies as soon as I found out girls were the ones who got to have them. I knew I would want to breastfeed them. When I finally did get pregnant @ 25 years old, I was SO very excited! Because I had been sexually molested, and our home was a home that lacked any kind of affection, I was TERRIFIED that I would not want to hold my child, or breastfeed! I knew, though, that I wanted to be able to give that kind of nourishment, and love no matter what it took. I did not even have a bottle in the house when I came home with my son. I did not want to give myself a way out. For me, it would have been a personal failure if I couldn't succeed.

Fortunately, I WAS able to nurse my son, from the beginning! I had to drink a (small) glass of wine a few times to be able to relax, and according to the TONS of literature I had read, that was okay. That experience allowed me to experience the deepest, most profound love I had ever known. I hadn't ever loved, or been loved on that level! To see my baby boy look up at me, while I dozed in the rocking chair and woke up to see that look....I still get choked up with emotion, SO thankful that I was able to get past my fear of being THAT close to anyone! It was as natural as could be! It will always be one of the most cherished memories in my life.

Thankfully, when my second child was born with severe mental and physical handicaps, she was still able to nurse! The bond was not formed due to her being in the hospital for her first month, and because of her disability. But, I was able to nourish her the best way I knew how. I DID get to nurse her, but because we didn't know she had a milk allergy...and I was eating and drinking milk products... she threw up every feeding. She was a wonderful gift that we had for 11 years. The doctors said she 'might' live till she was 3.

It's very sad that there is even a debate about what is the most natural thing in the world. I do understand, though, that the horrible abuses that occur in this world make it so that some women can't nurse, or some men won't let them, and that something so sweet can get twisted.

 

[Seagreen]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I had Goosebumps and tears in my eyes.

ETA: I'm so glad that you could breastfeed with your children. No doubt that breastfeeding would have been even extra beneficial to your second child. My daughter was sick for a while and the antibodies in breast milk, which give protection against infections, were so important for her. I hope that you are not discouraged by the sometimes negative views around breastfeeding like I have been at times. What an achievement you have made! Stay on that high.