When Bad Things Won't Stop Happening

[Fadeaway]

There is something inherently wrong with me since birth. I attract bad things and drive people to hurt me. I have an aurora that seems to compel people. My ex found me and has made it a point to let me know he knows where i live and how to find me... via the person who sexually assaulted me as a child.

I was 17 when I told him, I never thought he would use it against me like he has so many times. I would give anything to take it back.

Of course I am not coping well and ended up going to urgent care where I was turned away for "drug seeking behavior" WTF? My was a f*cking drug addict and the only thing I have in life is my pride that I am nothing like the bag whore.

They know my grandfather died, pregnancy loss, $1,500 dollar vet bill that left me financially devastated to the point it created more debt than I can think to pay off right now via overdraft charges, assault by police officer, loss of the the only person I ever truly considered family recently amongst several other bad things. But now I feel like they think I am making it up because so many things in a row seems hard to believe.

I think I made it pretty clear that I won't take any thing addictive or anything that makes you loopy, but they kept telling me I was diazapam seeking. To be honest that really screws with my head.

Anyways my whole point is how do I escape? I feel the overwhelming need to move, but that is so out of my financial capabilities right now it isn't funny. I am changing my number right away. Which sucks because my husband lost his job last week, and has been applying every where and with the number change no one will be able to reach him as we only have a home phone because we can';t afford a cell phone.

Oh and get this the person from my child hood kept telling my husband "I love her and would never do anything to hurt her." I wasn't home the first time the call was made, but I saw it on the caller I.D. I insisted I knew what happened. The second call came after I got home from the urgent care.

 

[scout86]

There is something inherently wrong with me since birth. I attract bad things and drive people to hurt me.

I know that feeling! It's been an especially bad week, so I'm remembering it well. If you read that in someone else's post, how would you respond? Maybe that it's not literally true, but it can sure feel like it is?

It's not literally true. No one is born with that kind of defect and there is no magical aura that draws bad luck and bad people. The good news there is that that means life won't necessarily always be as it is now, things can get better.

I don't have any great solutions for you. I just wanted to point out that we don't live in a world where people are actually, literally cursed. It sounds like your ex needs to be dealt with somehow and he seriously needs to get a real life. Just wanted you to know that someone gets how you feel and that I hope things start to get better soon. Hang in there!

 

[sun seeker]

There is something inherently wrong with me since birth. I attract bad things and drive people to hurt me. I have an aurora that seems to compel people.

As scout86 said, and I agree, that isn't literally true. Having said that, I can relate to feeling that way.

What happens is with some of us, it seems as if we attract people and situations that hurt us because if we have trauma dating from early childhood, we are wired differently. It isn't that we deserve people to treat us badly, but when we are so used to bad treatment that we don't know anything else, we respond to people and situations in different ways from someone who doesn't have the trauma. Women who were sexually abused as children are much more likely to be raped as adults, as one example. It isn't because there is anything wrong with them. It's because they've learned to believe that is what life is about and in overt or subtle ways, they get into situations where the original trauma is played out again. Children who are abused at home are more likely to be bullied at school. Low self esteem attracts people who treat us as undeserving. Expecting to be hurt attracts people who will hurt us. The expectation comes from having been so hurt in the past. It isn't because something is inherently wrong with you. It's because you were hurt at such a young age that you expect more of the same, and more attracts more and more in a snowball effect.

It's not as simple as just telling yourself that you deserve good things. That's oversimplifying in a way that's beyond the reach of someone who has been hurt that badly. You need help rewiring the circuits that were damaged by the early abuse. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I highly recommend Laurence Heller's book Healing Developmental Trauma. It's the best I've seen on how early trauma affects us and how to heal the damage at a deep level.

I've thought of you since you said you were having such a hard time a few weeks ago. I'm glad you are still here, though sorry to hear it's been so hard for you.

 

[Kintsugi]

I love sun seeker's post. Sorry I don't have anything to add. I just agree with her 100% and "liking" doesn't get it across enough. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm not quite sure what urgent care is like where you live, but here (also in the USA), urgent care is not equipped to help those in psychiatric crisis. Rather, one needs to go straight to the ER. And, here urgent care won't give you any sort of controlled substance, but the ER will. I learned that the hard way after I was in a car accident and was in a lot of pain. Maybe things are different where you live, but I just thought I'd share what its like where I live. The good thing is that urgent care is there when you need URGENT care, but the bad thing is that they don't handle everything as they're not equipped to do so.

I'm sorry you're going through so much. I just wanted to comment on this as if you are in crisis again, I hope you head to the ER where maybe you'll get some relief.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not quite sure what urgent care is like where you live, but here (also in the USA), urgent care is not equipped to help those in psychiatric crisis.

What is urgent care? I thought it was just a different name for Emergency. Now I'm not sure if we do things differently in Canada or if these are two levels of care that we don't have because of being in a rural area. Could you clarify?

 

[Karen12]

There is something inherently wrong with me since birth. I attract bad things and drive people to hurt me. I have an aurora that seems to compel people. My ex found me and has made it a point to let me know he knows where i live and how to find me... via the person who sexually assaulted me as a child.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm not exactly sure why but this seems to be particularly true for people sexually abused as children.

@sun seeker - I just added that book to my wish list, thanks for posting that. I'd never heard of it.

What is urgent care? I thought it was just a different name for Emergency.

Urgent care is for when you have something that isn't life-threatening but still needs to be taken care of right away. They're usually open when regular doctor's offices aren't. When I broke my toe I went to urgent care, not the emergency room, for example. Emergency care is for severe or life-threatening situations. That's my take, anyway.

 

[sun seeker]

Urgent care is for when you have something that isn't life-threatening but still needs to be taken care of right away.

Okay, thanks. We don't have that here. It all gets lumped into Emergency.

You're welcome, hope you get something out of the book.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Solara I have given up on the emergency room here. They just act completely baffled. I have been to better ones in different states.

@sun seeker I had every intention of getting that book today and forgot, I need to make a dozen post it notes to remind me.

 

[sun seeker]

Well get on it and start writing on those post-it notes! :-)

(That was meant in the nicest possible way and not as a criticism, in case the smile didn't get that across.)

 

[Fadeaway]

@sun seeker I finally bought the book today.

 

[sun seeker]

Awesome! (For some reason I didn't see this when you posted it).

Let us know what you think.