I Think My Roommate May Very Well Be A Narcissist. Advice Needed.

[Powder]

The thing is a narcissist has already played this game 1,000's of times before from childhood, getting better each time. They are always 10 steps ahead of you no matter which road (the high, low, or even one you think they won't think of!) you take. The more benign the narc seems up front and the longer they charm, the more danger you are actually in. Get out and don't warn her it's going to happen. Lose her.

If she's like most narc's, she will use everything she learned about you and read into you to smear campaign you, and already has laid the foundation for a potential break and necessary elaboration. They lay basic ideas down, that you are somehow flawed, vaguely, that they can elaborate upon later if you leave. She's already hinted to her boyfriend that you are crazy and unstable, and who knows who else. When you leave a narc, they like to try to shame you into silence and work a backstory to ensure that nobody believes you.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

@FridayJones Please don't respond to my posts again.

If a narcissist is effective it's because there are other shit people collaborating with them in one way or another. Period. I'm not concerned about a smear campaign. My primary concern is her breaking into my room and if she does I will call the police. At the worst end of it, she could fabricate a false accusation and go to the police herself so that she's ahead of her game. I get it. I've lived with these people before and I know how evil they are. If you haven't experience this in your life or if you have had these experiences and are still not in touch with those experiences, please do to respond to me on this forum.

I'm subleasing, I believe. I'm not on the lease and my contract is with her. I already paid the rent for January, so if Iived off the entire rent, it wouldn't be before mid April 2015 that I could leave without any monetary loses. I'm searching for a new place quietly and the only way to move out without her knowing is to take the financial loses and see if I can recoup them in court after I leave.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Nanny cam your room.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I was thinking the same thing, but I have to do more research on it. What I did find online were very expensive security systems or hidden cameras that are battery operated for a limited number of hours. If anyone here knows where I can find a good plug in hidden camera, please forward me the information. In the meantime, as of the last few days, I stay outside the apartment as much as possible and keep my interactions with my roommate to a bare minimum and I am looking for a new place to live for as soon as possible. I also went down to the police precinct this morning to find out if my roommate does have any real power to levy false charges against me (making false claims, planting false evidence, etc.) and they told me it's unlikely that she could pull it off because they would do a thorough investigation. They advised me that I should call 911 if she gets aggressive towards me, enters my bedroom, or locks me out of the premises. Because I've been victimized in the worst ways by these types of people beginning in childhood, I think it's important for me to cover all my bases and plan a step ahead.

@Muse She knows little about me that is of any real value.

 

[Justmehere]

My narcissistic roommate only knew me for 4 weeks, and we only lived together for 2 of those weeks - and she really didn't know that much - but she read into a lot and did launch a pretty effective smear campaign. The only reason she didn't win in the end was because I neurotically documented everything.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Who did she know that you knew? I'd appreciate it if you elaborate on it a bit so I understand the full scope of what you're saying. If these smear campaigns work, my understanding would be that you're either a child with no power, a highly visible person with a reputation at stake, or you share similar acquaintances. Are you saying that she could take it online and post lies about me publicly?

I'd like to flesh out this idea: I paid my rent on the 1st of January. I moved in on the 15th of November. My rent due date is the first of each month (but technically I have 5 days from the 1st to pay my rent). Given that it's now just two days past the 1st of the month, should I give her notice that I'm moving and consider it 30 days notice. I am not required to put my 30 day notice in writing to collect my security deposit (1 1/2 monthly rent).

Please, no one come at me and tell me I'm not being honest. I want real advice.

I just came across a room available for rent and I think she posted it. No joke.

 

[Justmehere]

Who did she know that you knew? I'd appreciate it if you elaborate on it a bit so I understand the full scope of what you're saying. If these smear campaigns work, my understanding would be that you're either a child with no power, a highly visible person with a reputation at stake, or you share similar acquaintances. Are you saying that she could take it online and post lies about me publicly?

She didn't know any mutual acquaintances or anything. I'm not a public figure in my community. It doesn't take those things to make someone look bad. She didn't take it online. She read into vulnerabilities that she somehow picked up on, and she made up stuff, and she took me to court. I won, she ended up facing very serious consequences for her actions, but it was a long and horrible battle.

It's sort of besides the point. It is not going to do you any good to think of any of the possible what ifs - because none of those things change what your plan should be now based on what actually is happening right now. I don't think your roommate is savvy enough to smear you, but even if she is, I think the overall message is that no matter what, it's time to quietly and simply get out and find a new and better place that you will feel a lot better and safer living in. This place isn't good for your mental wellbeing.

For me, I would have been able to avoid the whole mess with my roommate if I had taken the chance to move out when I did. Instead I played into her game, without really realizing that I was, and tried to make things work with her somehow. I was trying to play it safe and give myself more time to move out. What I should have done was taken every opportunity to lay low, avoid her, and move out when I had the chance, even at a financial loss. (I could have recouped in it court pretty easily later on, and even if not, it would have been worth it for the sake of my own mental wellbeing.)

It sounds like she may be looking for someone new to move in as well - this could work in your favor! She may not fight your 30 day notice, even if it varies by a day or so. Even if she does, I think you should give your notice anyhow.

I don't think anyone is telling you that you are lying at all. Everyone here is on your side, here to support you and help you see through her nonsense. Everyone. You are taking very good steps. Give your notice and get out. Or she may give you notice for some made up reason and try to evict you and that would be way worse to deal with to have to prove in court she had no reason to evict you, and may leave you in a position of a much worse living environment with her while you are looking for a place, and/or having to move out very fast. So let her have what she may want, a new roommate that may play her games, unlike you, and give yourself what you really need, a new place to live.

You can tell her that you have decided to look for a place that is closer to work or closer to a friend or more out of the city or with cheaper rent or something like that. It doesn't matter - just don't add fuel to her fire by saying it's because she is being nutty. Keep it simple and short and professional, and keep looking for a new place. How is the apartment search going?

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I hear you. I called a bunch of places, but have yet to hear back from anyone. I've made finding a new place a priority. Also, I found a reputable store in NYC that sells good nanny cams (they're not open on the weekend, but I intend to go down first thing Monday morning). I'm going to take photos of my room as well, so that if she does try something crazy in the interim, I have proof that the room, as I lived in it and leave it, is in the same condition as when I moved in.

I'm being deliberately semi-cryptic in the following paragraph:

By the way, she knows I'm allergic to a specific ingredient and the other day she mentioned that I should check out such and such place in the apartment because she thinks that one of her products that is in that such and such place contains that ingredient. Well, there was no product of hers in that such and such place in the apartment with that ingredient, but she clearly researched what products have that ingredient and who knows what she might do (or has already done as I strongly suspect).

I keep going over the conversations I had with her to figure out what I said to her and how she might try to use it against me.

By the way, she has a copy of my photo ID (she requested a copy upon move in). What possible dangers does this present to me?

I pray I find a new place soon. This is an awful situation for me.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

What sorts of things should I document about her? What sorts of information are admissible as credible in court?

 

[Justmehere]

Keep up the good work in finding a new place! There are a couple of aps that can help, like roomi or others.

Photos of your room are great - especially if taken via your phone, because many phones will come with a time record with the photo. If not, just write down the time you took it. Otherwise, just take notes of anything that she says or does that concerns you. Save any texts or emails or voicemails she leaves you. I'm no attorney, and if you are thinking this would end up in court, its best to consult the experts. Generally speaking, your word, and your testimony that you took notes, is generally admissible. So are those texts/emails/voicemails. If something happens that you would need a restraining order for, then in many cases, your notes can actually be used to justify the restraining order. You don't have to note every little thing, just anything that concerns you.

As far as your photo ID, I wouldn't worry too much. You can't really do anything about it, so try not to worry unless something happens - like if you start noticing money out of your bank account, then cancel your credit or debit cards and file a fraud report (the bank would help with this.) This is what you would do if anyone stole your identity. Then no matter what she brings into the house, if you do have an allergy, you have your notes that she had this conversation that she knows you are allergic, and brought the item into the house anyhow. It could be that she threw out the items with that ingredient - and was looking for you to check as well. Maybe, maybe not. I am not saying you are wrong to be concerned, but try to not let these things work you up too much. She is probably trying to mess with your head more than anything else. You could also make sure you are only using products you buy, and document any allergic reactions you have. See if they get better or worse over time.

I say all this with a word of caution: be vigalent, but be calm. True life harming sociopaths are not too common. They are out there, but she sounds more like a self absorbed person. But trust yourself more than what anyone says here. You are living in this, you would be the best to know.

And no matter what, none of this changes your main plan: find that new place to move out to.

This is really hard stuff to deal with, even without PTSD. Do you have a good therapist you are working with to help support you through this time? Moving under the best circumstances is still one of the top 10 most stressful things in life! Talking to someone about all of this might help. I'm glad you are reaching out here too.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I see my therapist tomorrow, but given the advice she gave me a few days ago over the phone, I'm going to ask her how much experience she has had with narcissists, etc.

Yes, distancing myself from her physically helps me to more effectively detach emotionally from the situation and the (really strong) emotions it generates.

I'm definitely handling this situation better than others in my past, which means there's progress with the PTSD (the symptoms of which have been quite severe), and that's always a good thing :)

For all the advice, thank you guys!

 

[Friday]

@FridayJones Please don't respond to my posts again.
I get it. I've lived with these people before and I know how evil they are. If you haven't experience this in your life or if you have had these experiences and are still not in touch with those experiences, please do to respond to me on this forum..

I have, actually. Which is why what I asked originally was a legitimate question: Why are you playing games? That's how certain personality types manipulate you right onto the crazy train. Instead of she thinks I'm this, so I'll do that, and if I do this then she'll respond this way, so I can do this other thing over here, and she thinks I'm honest, so I'll lie, and I have to hide/pretend/go along, secrets, secrets, secrets... Oy. It becomes manipulations inside of manipulations wrapped up in manipulations... With her at the center of your universe as you attempt to placate and negotiate and maneuver around her. What's she doing, thinking, going to be doing, going to be thinking??? Crisis! Drama! Crisis!

Aaaaaand take a step back.

The way around these people is to simply not play the game. Stop trying to anticipate and respond 3 steps ahead, with contingencies, and enmeshed enmeshed enmeshed complicated complicated complicated... Until she has total control over your life.

Narcissists are often annoying, rarely dangerous. Its like dealing with a child. Meaning that if you don't allow yourself to become emotionally invested in their histrionic me-fits and drama/manipulation games? All of a sudden life becomes a lot simpler.

You said narcissist, not sadist/ psychopath/ dangerous abusive asshole... So what's the worst that could happen if you stop playing her game? She gets mad at you? Asks you to leave or locks you out? In which case you actually have cause to do exactly what you want. Which is leave and have legal standing to get your deposit back.

That's like, normal reaction to not liking/trusting your roommate. You move out anything important to you, look for a new place, and if anything happens that gives you cause, you leave. Jumping on board with mind-f*ck & manipulation games as you're totally swept up in her thoughts and emotional well being to the point where your own emotions revolve totally around her? Sick thinking.