I Think My Roommate May Very Well Be A Narcissist. Advice Needed.

[Flowers In Bloom]

I didn’t join this forum to get into arguments with people, but I’ll say this: You sound to me to be incredibly patronizing. Off the top of my head, to be victimized by a narcissist would mean that you unwittingly got mixed up in their game.
I don’t agree with you that narcissists are rarely dangerous. My mother is a psychopathic narcissist and in the right circumstances she is lethal. A narcissist in a position of power can inflict serious harm to others, as well
It was a thought (in a triggered state) to be mean right back at her. No, I don’t think it’s good strategy. Still, moving to a slightly more distant thought, to want to fight back, to want to exact revenge, I think, is a very normal reaction; especially, if your life’s been ruined by these types of people before.

Also, your comment "that's like, normal reaction to not liking/trusting your roommate" is downplaying the situation, I think. I don't appreciate it.

 

[joeylittle]

'd like to flesh out this idea: I paid my rent on the 1st of January. I moved in on the 15th of November. My rent due date is the first of each month (but technically I have 5 days from the 1st to pay my rent). Given that it's now just two days past the 1st of the month, should I give her notice that I'm moving and consider it 30 days notice. I am not required to put my 30 day notice in writing to collect my security deposit (1 1/2 monthly rent).

Here's what I would recommend:
Do not give notice. It will only exacerbate the situation, and you are under no obligation to do so.
Has she cashed the rent yet? If not, put a stop payment on the check immediately.
Tell her you are having some trouble with your bank and that you are working hard to get it squared away.
Keep looking for a new place.
If you need to give her 1/2 of january to keep her off your back, do; it might be a necessary loss.
When February rolls around, be able to tell her that you are moving out, will complete that process by the 15th, and that she can keep your deposit as Jan plus 1/2 feb. rent.

I don't think it's dishonest, it's strategic. You want to get out of this with a minimum of fuss. And I'm sure you don't want to go to civil court. Check the laws in your state, but sub-leasors (that would be her) have very, very little legal recourse.

Okay. I'm in the process of reading the tenant's guide now. I think I have to give her 30 days notice before the 1st of each month.

I really just want to re-clarify this: you are not a tenant. You are a sub-leasee. Unless you have signed onto the main lease (which you haven't), you aren't bound by these sorts of rules.

 

[Justmehere]

@joeylittle little has some good suggestions. If you don't pay rent, be aware that she could give you a 3 day notice to cure the late rent or move out, could take late fees from your deposit.

 

[joeylittle]

she could give you a 3 day notice to cure the late rent or move out,

Can she actually, though? I'm not sure what state the OP is in, but I'm not sure a subleasor can do that. (Honest question, always learning about stuff like this)

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I want to put this out there: I am not playing games. I am trying to find the best possible solution to this problem. I said in the title that I think my roommate may very well be a narcissist because she reminds me of my mother who is one and also to frame it so that my situation is more understandable. I am not a diagnostician and I am not a fan of labels, but I do know that living with her is potentially dangerous to me.

I haven't given her notice, because thankfully, she has not yet returned to the apartment.

I think installing a hidden camera in my room is a good idea right now.

I intend to move out as soon as I secure a place.

I understand that I may incur significant financial loss.

Due to previous, more serious trauma, I am currently unemployed. I moved into this apartment with the main objective of finding a safe, quiet place, so that I could focus my energies on re-entering the job market.

I can't stop the check. I called into the bank and it was already cashed.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I paid the rent for January on the 1st of the month. I'm not sure I completely understand the last few posts (I'm starting to feel tired, so I'll look at them again tomorrow), but are my rights as a subleasee? Are there any lawyers on this board?

Oh, I'm thinking that I could tell her I'm moving out at the end of the month and that I'll do the work and find her a replacement roommate, thus securing my full deposit; but that may not work because she would want me to take a financial hit.

I'm in NY.

 

[joeylittle]

According to everything I can find, she would be legally required to give you 30 days notice before she can kick you out.

Unless you have a signed agreement (and if you are in NYC it has to be pretty specific), you are not responsible to her for any kind of notice whatsoever.

If you are prepared to lose your money, then just start looking and leave as soon as you can. Otherwise, be looking for a new place and withhold rent on Feb 1. Somewhere in there you'll need to tell her you are leaving as of March 15 and your deposit should cover it, OR just don't tell her.

Frankly, I doubt you are in a good position to recoup your deposit if he withholds it.

I'm sorry this is all going so badly for you. I hope you can find a better living situation.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

Okay. Thank you. I'm going to recap again a bit because this is what I'm now thinking: My roommate is a very sick, evil person. The very worst thing she can do to me is file false accusations against me with the police. She could also enter my bedroom and go through my files and belongings. I went down to the police precinct this morning and they told me that they thoroughly investigate all complaints filed with them. I will immediately purchase a hidden cam and install it in my bedroom, so that if she enters, I'll have evidence of it and bring it to the police. If she acts aggressively towards me in any which way, I'll call 911. If she locks me out of the apartment, I will call 911. I'll stay out of the apartment and return to eat and sleep. I will keep my interactions with her to a bare minimum. I'll give her 30 day notice on February and move out in March. My contract with her requires that I give her 30 day notice, so I don't see why I couldn't live off part of the deposit and require that she return to me the remainder of it (1/2 month tent) when I move out.

@joeylittle my written contract with my roommate requires that I give her 30 days notice. I'll give her 30 days notice on time, live off part of my deposit as February rent and get her to put it into writing again that she will return to me the remainder of my deposit (as she should given our contract).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Heck with the contract! She's narcissistic and WILL find a way to screw you over. Its like with jobs. They want you to give them 2 weeks notice, but quite often, if you give them that notice, they will fire you on the spot! I've had it happen to me, and it sucked. I say give her notice on the day you move out. Tell her that the security deposit is going toward the rest of the rent. Honestly, even if you did everything by the book, she'd find a way to keep your security deposit. Just kiss the security deposit goodbye regardless. All she has to do is say that you damaged the apartment in some way and you'd have to go to court to TRY to get your money back. Not worth the hassle. I agree with Friday. Don't play the game. But I also think that you need to realize that there is NO "reality" for these people. You are trying to play by the rules but they don't because they have no rules. Its maddening, but the only thing you can do is get away in any way you can.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Woah, this is going from you suspect she is a narcissist to she is a very sick evil person. What has she done that is evil? She may remind you of your mother and there are warning signs but I think there needs to be some perspective here as it could get to the point where you are living in fear and it just may not be realistic. Put things in place to move out and follow the advice but panicking like this is not good.

 

[Justmehere]

Re: she could leave a 3 day notice to pay or move out if the rent isn't paid.

Can she actually, though? I'm not sure what state the OP is in, but I'm not sure a subleasor can do that. (Honest question, always learning about stuff like this)

Yep. Well. what would happen is that the tenant (her roommate) could be in default with the landlord useless she paid that extra rent and she could get the landlord to leave a 3 day notice for just the sublessor. This is what happened in my case. It is possible, and even legal in some states like mine for a landlord to evict just one person. I stalled on paying rent, canceled the check, the whole bit. And I got a 3 day notice to pay, plus late fees, or move out in 3 days. I had the option to fight it and delay the eviction by 30 days by fighting it in court, but living with a roommate and landlord that I was going to court against was a high stress option. So I moved out and had to live in a hotel and with friends until I found a new place (that was awful) and was taken to court anyhow. Another story another time... It's my understanding it's even easier for a lessee to evict a sublessee for non-payment, especially if the payments go to the lessee. It is also possible that the roommate could let the landlord evict both of them for non-payment.

An attorney or legal non-profit would be the best to figure out the possible risks of not paying rent.

It's all probably besides the point anyhow.

 

[Flowers In Bloom]

I'd like to move away from labels now completely. I don't care what the exact diagnosis is; this is all my take on the situation. You get it or you don't.

Some of the information posted here is helpful and it does inform me, to some extent, as to the potential ramifications of dealing, in any which way, even completely benign, with my roommate.

The point is that I don't want to do anything rash, impulsive, or potentially reckless. It's important that I consider all the details and make a fully sound decision.

The police told me when I went down yesterday to inquire about the possibility of false charges that they would do a very thorough investigation if that should happen. They also told me that if she locks me out of the house, that is illegal, and that I should call 911 and they will respond and give me access back into the apartment.

I don't think it's a crime to live off your deposit as your rent and when it runs out simply leave.

I don't want to be at the mercy of my roommate, because as I see it now, especially with a hidden cam in my bedroom, she really has very little power over me.

If she tries anything crazy, I'll involve the police.