And They've Started...

[Hansgrohe]

So, it's been 4 days since I "lashed out" at a certain person, and dumped my entire anger, trauma, and strange sense of vengeance and feeling wrongly terrorized in front of my class. Okay, it wasn't that bad (in fact, I only received a warning), but that's how it felt for me (if I were making some kind of professional painting, I'd make 2: the event that actually happened and a completely different event that my brain sort of perceived it to be). The fallout has been complete hell.

Just tonight I experienced dissociative episode. This was even worse, since it brought a rather intense headache, and I could just feel all the events that "built up" in my "trauma bank" all flash right before my own eye. I just was starting with this wide-eye look, and I was just frozen. If you tried to talk to me I would've responded incredibly awkwardly.

This won't be the last one. I know it won't.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

certain person

Who was this person? A stranger? A friend? Your teacher?

Okay, it wasn't that bad (in fact, I only received a warning)

You got a warning. So why do you think that wasn't 'bad'? You did this in class with a group of strangers.

You said this will happen again. What steps are you taking so it wont?

 

[Hansgrohe]

The person in question was one of the "popular kids". I just really, really, dislike them, and I feel they've put me through a lot of shit. When I see them I feel a VERY strong feeling of unfairness and inferiority, and they're kind of like triggers. The popular kids have always kept me down.

Maybe I don't think it was bad (or that bad) because I've had FAR worse meltdowns before in class (years ago), and I know it. But the fact that my case load decided to even mention my awful meltdowns... yeah, it was pretty bad. That's what scares me: they're completely unaware of the high chance of a PTSD, and they could mishandle this REALLY badly. I don't want an assistant like I had to have in 9th grade.

And at this point, I have no idea what I'm going to do to stop these episodes. I am going to start to see a therapist very soon, and I'm going to mention this.

 

[Ronin]

I get it, I do. On another hand - if you can manage the situation without lashing out, it's win-win for you. You'll keep your behavior under your reign, you'll have something to start with for the future bcos you've already done it at least once, and they will see that no matter what they do, they can't get to you, so no point in trying.

Sure, they may try one other thing. Or yet other thing. Until something does make you tick. But there's also a chance that will land *them* in trouble - or have other kids see how unreasonable they are. You may gain allies or even friends in the process, because to those people who prefer to 'not get involved' when witnessing something happen, you won't respond like an easy target.

Another thing: It may be worth to examine why do 'popular' kids get on your nerves. It surely isn't all about them, more about your perception of them. Perception issues is something that can be worked on and improved from. Furthermore: they're popular for *some* reason. It may be worth learning why and how they do it. It will tell you a lot about if not them, how does the group think of them, and what are strengths and weaknesses of the group. You can observe and learn and utilize what you've learned.

It won't stop being personal, sure. But you can make it personal in a way you *handle*.