Emotions. Numb. Scary.

[psychgirllost]

I see that there are other topics on this but the one I looked at was old. I've known I'm numb for awhile now. I was recently in a relationship (he has combat ptsd so we were double whammied. I was abused by both my parents) and he was always doing the isolation stuff. This last time seems to be the end. I am numb. But I was numb before. I'm good at anger, sadly. But love I have a problem with. I know I love but I can only feel it intermittently. Sometimes I worry that my inability to feel was responsible, but he always said he could feel my love. Wish I could. Every once in awhile, randomly, A feeling bursts out and I feel love (or brief moments of sadness now) so strongly that it's almost scary. Unfortunately the strong love was almost always when he wasn't around. One day recently I had just pulled into the driveway and a love for a close friend of mine (she's like a sister I never had) washed over me. I texted her and told her. And told her why I was telling her and snap. It went away. But for those few seconds it was so intense. She joked with me later that I was probably thinking "how the hell do people live who feel this intensely all the time?" And I do wonder that. How do you function because for me it was overwhelming. And is this really the problem as a whole? I'm overwhelmed by my feelings bad or good so I just stuff them away? I joke that I'm like Data from Star Trek. Robot. Or even Spock, I suppose. I want to learn to feel. I'm in therapy. I have been for a long time. But still can't seem to find the middle ground so I can enjoy myself and live.

I also suck at sympathy too. The guy who told me that also said he could feel it coming from me but that I sucked at expressing it. Probably because I wasn't feeling it

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

A feeling bursts out and I feel love (or brief moments of sadness now) so strongly that it's almost scary. Unfortunately the strong love was almost always when he wasn't around.

This sounds extremely familiar. I have this too, but I have learned to "neutralize" it, meaning that I take into account that I do this, so when I feel too next to nothing or too much, I accept it but don't act on it or worry too much. My therapists have grouped this kind of intense feeling under Borderline, but I don't know you and am no professional, so it's a possibility but may not be your problem.

It's hard to handle intense emotions, but as with all emotions it's important to realize that they will come and go, just like thoughts. To take some distance from them. It can be important not to take them too seriously.

Love your profile pic!

 

[psychgirllost]

Thanks about the lion. lol. I am not borderline, however I was probably raised by one and so sometimes the kids end up exhibiting some symptoms. The numbing has been intermittent over the years but I had never been in a relationship that meant as much to me as this one so I suppose that's when I started to notice the problem. When I do feel, maybe a burst isn't accurate. It's like my protective shield cracked open for a second and then I quickly stuff everything back in. I enjoy the love feelings even though they are intense so it's not that I don't want to feel. I just can't seem to figure out how to stop stuffing them away again. I want to feel all the time.