What do i do about myself?

[sun seeker]

I learned that the hard way of always trying to gain the approval of others, imagining how they thought of me (sometimes I was right in my assessment and sometimes I wasn't), and often I took on criticisms of people that truly didn't know the inner me. After a while, I lost me, my self esteem, and became highly self-critical. In the end, I realized that all that truly matters is how I see me.

This is brilliant.

It's only very recently that it has begun to occur to me that sometimes other people's opinions of me can be wrong and that the world won't end if I disagree with people.

I'm in my 40s. Cut yourself some slack @otakujome, you're doing pretty well all things considered.

 

[Tanishq]

There is nothing WRONG with YOU! You do not need "fixing".

I second this.

I just wanted to echo the beautiful advice. :)

 

[Valentino]

I'm messed up with my really low EQ, unabilty to deal with many of simplest social situation...

a messed up person with very little control over emotions.

Maybe you simply have an over-sensitive emotional body that is easily overwhelmed? That would make it very hard to contain or control intense emotions. And because of that you're going to have difficulty communicating with others in a socially acceptable and relate-able way.

Dr. Elaine Aron has dubbed the term 'Highly Sensitive Person' to describe a minority of population who have challenges from in-born over-sensitivity. Her webpage has a self-test and she offers other resources on there also: [DLMURL]http://hsperson.com/[/DLMURL]

 

[Philippa]

I think you are just so used to hearing your parents chastise you and tell you what is wrong with you that you expect it from everyone...or think you need it. You don't. It's just that your situation has become normalized to the point where you are so damn confused about who you actually are, based around what you've been told you are.

One thing to keep in mind is...every time they say something horrible to you...it's about THEM! It's not even about you! Try to remember that because it's very important for your mental health that you are able to discern what is true in what they say and what is actually just old tapes they are playing out that were put on them as kinds...by THEIR parents. It's called projection, and it's a very common, very human behaviour...but it can really f*ck people up if they take it on.

So next time your father calls you a failure or whatever...imagine putting a mirror up to him. That is literally what is happening. He is seeing himself in you and projecting his own insecurities and abusive self dialogue onto you.

That's gonna make any kid overly sensitive to how he is being perceived.

One thing that helped me immensely when I was a bit older than you was when I realised that I really don't know what is going on in other peoples heads or what they think of me...and neither do you...and that's ok. Someone said it best earlier...we're all annoying at times. We're all obnoxious and actually a kid your age is supposed to be self centred, because you are still working so much out about life and yourself...and you've got a lot going on so give us the benefit of the doubt in understanding your situation enough to be ok with you venting regularly. It's ok. It's healthy to get it out. Really.

 

[shimmerz]

I see so much of the pre-therapy, pre-aware, pre-so-many-things, me in this posting. Apologizing for being me. Never being understood but trying so hard to be. Grasping for some form of external validation that I am 'ok'. Wildly swinging from 'I am ok and if not I will pretend' to 'omg everyone in this world hates me'. *heavy sigh*. Decades of that sheist. How did I do it?

@otakujome I am so very sorry you feel so deficient. I wish you the peace and love that you deserve. :hug:

 

[Freedomfighter]

I had to smile when I read your post. Hey, we are all assholes sometimes.
It is obvious that you are in a very dire family situation and that alone will not help you, ever. It is also very obvious that you are beating yourself up, which is evidenced by your repeated questions to be forgiven. That is not annoying behavior from you, that is actually a very loud cry of help from an abused and harassed human being. When you are asking to be forgiven, what you are really doing is in essence is reacting like the victim that someone else has trained you to be: your abuser(s).

You are taking all of the pain that abusers are levying onto you from the outside and you turn their behavior into self harming behavior, because that is what a typical victim will always do. We get abused and harassed and that is so painful that we can not escape and we literally ingest the abuse and hurt ourselves and apologizing for it on top of everything else.

I know so well how you feel. You are not afraid to describe what is going on in your head and that helps me to decipher your victimization profile.

Believe me, I used to be just like you. I would actually walk up to the very same people that relentlessly stalked, abused, and harassed me and I would ask for "their forgiveness". Now that seems just laughable of course. They still try that because believe me that is the tactic of every abuser: making you believe that there is something wrong with you, when the exact opposite is the truth: there is something very wrong with the people that abuse you.

 

[shimmerz]

.imagine putting a mirror up to him. That is literally what is happening. He is seeing himself in you and projecting his own insecurities and abusive self dialogue onto you.

Understanding projection is so very helpful....I missed this somehow when reading this post yesterday.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm I hate to disagree, but if there is nothing wrong with us, ptsd does not exist, we have no disorder, no need for therapy or doctors, and this site is pointless. Yes, we ARE disordered and yes, there is something wrong with us. If not, then we wouldn't be fighting so hard to heal.

 

[Chosen]

@Solara , we are not our diagnoses. PTSD is a wound, a battle scar, something that impacts us in a lot of ways. But it does not define who we are or our value. We have coping mechanisms that don't work very well outside of traumatic situations. But that does not mean that we are PTSD. We have challenges. We struggle. But we are not a disorder. PTSD is not an identity unless we make it so...I have chosen to not make it my identity--I am so much more, and while it's a hard wound to handle, it's something that was done to me. I never chose it, and now I can choose how I handle it, how I communicate about it internally and externally, and how I will live my life.

In my opinion it's not about what's "wrong" with us, but about how we handle the hurts we receive in our life and our adaptive and maladaptive responses to these things.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm, ok, well all of you who agreed can leave the forum then b/c this is a place for people who want to heal and you all don't have anything wrong with you, right?

I never said that I am my diagnosis, so don't put words in my mouth @Noah. I don't need a condescending lecture from someone who takes what I have said and twists it around.

Since you're so perfect, then yeah, maybe you should leave. Sorry to be snarky, but denial gets you nowhere. Owning your crap lets you move out of the realm of denial and heal.

So don't feel like dealing with semantics, putting you on ignore. I already have everyone else who agreed with you on ignore, so I'm not surprised they "liked" your post. None of them like me or my presence here. Whatever.

 

[joeylittle]

PTSD is not an identity unless we make it so...I have chosen to not make it my identity--I am so much more, and while it's a hard wound to handle, it's something that was done to me. I never chose it, and now I can choose how I handle it, how I communicate about it internally and externally, and how I will live my life.

That's really great, @Noah. I'm sure you can remember when it wasn't at all as if you had a choice?
@Solara, for what it's worth,

that is the tactic of every abuser: making you believe that there is something wrong with you, when the exact opposite is the truth: there is something very wrong with the people that abuse you.

I think the point being made was about how abusers twist perception in their victims.

I am of the camp that I have a disorder (two, actually), and I live with them. But it is more helpful for me to accept them as a big part of me than try and rise above them as if they are only labels.

 

[Chosen]

Good grief! All I wanted to do was affirm that we are worth more than diagnoses, that we should not define ourselves as being "wrong," that we have great value. There was absolutely no condescension in what I said. I wanted to lift people up, not put them down! I have utterly no idea how what I said came across as being looking down on anyone. I truly do not understand why Solara got upset.

I absolutely never said I was perfect. I just said I've decided how I will talk about and deal with having PTSD. I have it, but it does not have me. Yes, I get nightmares & flashbacks & hypervigilance, and I have no power on their presence or absence, but I can control what I do with it. I will not define myself as a victim, but a survivor who is battling to become someone who thrives.

I was not trying to put words in Solara's mouth. I was expounding on my thoughts because I am so passionate whenever I feel like people don't recognize their dignity and value.

I absolutely do not deny the reality of my condition, but I also know that I have power in what I do about it. My condition is not my worth.

@joeylittle , I feel like I've always had a choice in how I handle the symptoms of PTSD and how I talk about it. I have no control over the presence of the symptoms, but I can control how I respond. That's what I was trying to say, and apparently, I didn't do it in the clearest way.

And yes, I was trying to talk about how abusers always try to tear down our self-worth and value...so many people have been crushed into the ground as if they're worthless, as if they're wrong, as if they're pointless and stupid...I absolutely hate that, so it's my passion to always try to lift people up. Everything I said was with true feeling and desire for people to know how truly valuable they are.