Dissociative Amnesia

[Casey_03]

I have a question for anyone on here who has gone through the experience of "retrieving" memories of child sexual abuse. I'm just wondering whether being able to remember made a difference? Or did it just open up Pandora's Box and make symptoms worse? What was the process like? Can therapists really help with retrieving memories? I've only been able to remember tiny fragments of the things that happened to me, I don't know who the abuser was and I've never really tried to retrieve the memories because I've heard so many bad things about false memories. But now I'm wondering if being able to remember might bring some relief. Thanks in advance for any advice.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

@Casey_03 I went through EMDR therapy and unlocked a huge swath of sexual abuse memories in full along with physical beatings abuse.

Mine were vivid and graphic in nature and very very real to me at the time. That is not to say every one would have similar at all.

Make.sure if unlocking these kind of memories in therapy that you have a good grounding in place to hepp you with any possible aftermath. Make sure you have got this grounding practiced.

I have a few I can PM you if you wish just let me know.

Laurie

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it can go either way. I was on a different ptsd site a few years ago and one of the regulars did some digging into her memories. It only made her worse----even years after the fact. She regretted digging into her mind to recover memories. I say this only to warn you of the possibility. Many recommend letting the memories come forward naturally. There is a reason why you don't remember.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

To echo @Solara when I do my therapy sessions with timeline therapy through the UK Warrior Programme we are taught to see the event as just that, an event from the past. We then remove the emotional connection with that event making it emotionless. That way we leave the event where is should be, in the past and move over it. Leaving it in the unconscious part of the mind that it belongs.

I hope that makes sense.

Laurie

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Mine weren't recovered through therapy, they came much before that. They were incredibly vivid and distressing - they were full body (and all senses). I recovered some full memories and far more segments and abstract pieces. They were full body flashbacks and I re-experienced everything. I was incredibly ill for about a week and a half having migraines and flashbacks, only broken by restless, nightmare filled sleep. Since then, I've been a lot worse and far less functioning than before (which wasn't a lot anyway), but at the same time it's allowed me to get away from many of my abusers and seek treatment.

If somehow I forgot again (one of my fears), I'd scratch away at the wall that separated me from them and be desperate to know what was hiding there, but realistically, I'd far prefer they didn't exist at all. There's still a huge amount missing for me, but honestly I don't want to know any more, it can't be worse physically only psychologically and I can't deal with what I've got already. I don't think I will ever "get over" this and I hope there is no afterlife (I'm not religious/spiritual but it still scares me), because the idea that I may ever be linked to this again is terrifying. My life has completely fallen apart and I don't think I'd ever recommend it yet I don't want to forget again/be without them.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Although I am not a victim of sexual abuse in that way, I am in a similar state. I suffer memory loss, and I tried some memory retrieval, but for me it mostly just gave ne worries, and while trying to remember stuff - loads of anxiety, afterwards strong depression.

So, although I am not a sexual abuse survivor, I can say that for me retrieving memories of complex was both relief and Pandora's Box, so it depends on what exactly are you remembering, as some stuff is more upsetting than other, and some stuff is better just locked away.

I've only been able to remember tiny fragments of the things that happened to me

I know how you feel, I lack memory of 95% of my life, and also quickly forget what happened, I don't know most of things before NOW, and everything in past is a mush, I don't knkw what happened first and so on. What brought me to this thread was the title:

Dissociative Amnesia

I remember one thing, back when I was bullied a LOT and completely isolated, things like this happened. Someone did something to me, and 5-10 seconds later there was just a gaping hole in my memory at that spot, like I wasn't there, people mad fun of me for not remembering also, they asked me what happened and laughed at me for not rememebering :cry: f*ck, triggering myself ...

Just gonna post this before I do myself much bad.

Thank you for reading.

Seems that 4.5 hours ago the post reply button didn't post the thing :p

Posting now

 

[Deleted member 28403]

A bit of extra information that came to my mind, when trying to recover memories, I often came to point where I got a headache as soon as I went into a certain "area", so that is probably my brain trying to 'keep me safe' from the memories. Meaning that there is a reason they are locked away.

 

[Nam]

I don't think there is any retrieving. It's just there or not there. My memories came with full body symptoms. Mostly with physical pain at first and then mostly fear. There is some visuals and smells, but that is not the part I "remembered" most. I'm torn with the pandora's box you mention. I talk about opening a box many times in the past. If I had a choice, I think I would have kept the box closed. But I wasn't functioning very well. I was depressed and numb. So many things in my life were perfect at the time but something was nagging.

It seems now, I still have no control. EMDR was not recommended to me because there isn't a way of knowing exactly how traumatic the memories are. I have a hard time with the bits and pieces that come to me; I can not fathom what it's like to have it all come at once.

My advice is to let it be. If you can't remember, then you can't remember. If you do remember but don't want to think about it...well, that's a different discussion.

My brain has a funny way of processing the memories. It brings it to the surface when I'm happy and content. It certainly puts a damper on things....but it also spaces them out some. It usually takes me a week or so to recover with some residual effects like insomnia and depression. I feel like it's a life sentence and something I'll have to deal with for a long time. The more I occupy my mind with other stressors, it keeps the memories at bay. The less stress I'm in and happier I feel, my brain wants to clean house. To give you an idea, I've had snippets and fragments for 10 years. About 20 memories lasting about 2-5 seconds long. Some are longer, some even shorter. I've given up on knowing an actual story. I don't have a narrative. I just try to process what is there and try really hard not to think about what it means. Very similar to the grieving process.

My therapist did not help in retrieving the memories. They helped me be able to live my life with the memories and symptoms I was feeling. They helped change the shame I felt. They helped me understand the timing of the symptoms...anniversaries, age of my children, etc. They helped me cope.

When they first appeared, I wanted them all at once so I could just get it over with. I understand now that that was an impossible thing for me to do without causing great harm. Your body holds the memories. Your mind has the key. They will work together to give you what you can handle and when.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I don't think there is any retrieving. It's just there or not there.

I disagree with this personally, if you mean that it isn't possible to recall events from amnesia or if you mean that dissociative amnesia isn't possible. However, if you mean that you cannot "make" them come, they either do but I do or don't and there is no choosing - then I agree. Though clearly, for some people EMDR and even hypnosis can aid memory retrieval. In my experience, memories come back usually for a reason - like you now have the ability to cope with/deal with what happened, or are safe from the trauma or that by remembering it can actually keep you safe etc. I think that this is why a lot of people get more unpleasant processing when their life is going smoothly, which can be very juxtaposing. This is also the reason I don't think you should ever push to remember - because usually your psyche/brain is trying to protect you from something it knows you haven't the resources to deal with. When it's ready it will start to process it - it might never be ready and unbearable as that might be that is a good thing, because your brain is protecting you - If your brain forces stuff on you that it cannot deal with, it becomes your own abuser from which there is no escape - this is clearly extremely unhealthy and can induce other disorders from eating, obsessional, anxiety and mood disorders to psychosis'.

The problem is I understand both sides, still I believe safety now is more important.