Sexual Assault I Don't Know What To Do...

[NukaGirl]

I am currently dealing with an issue that is legitimately making me lose sleep.
The Universe has seen fit to bring back into my life the man who raped me three years ago. Apparently, he unblocked me on Facebook.

I can see all of his status updates, all of his photos. I just can't comment or like. I can also message him.

I feel like the Universe is giving me a chance to get closure.
This is where I'm torn.
I want to speak to him. I need closure on this.

Is it insane to even consider talking to him, to want to reaffirm my belief that he thought we were just doing consensual non-consensual? Because I want to believe that. I want to believe so badly that he didn't know I was being serious...

I feel like the Universe is giving me a chance at closure...
But I don't know if I should message him directly, or wait and see if our paths will cross.

I know that so many people will shout "No! He raped you. Why would you want to see him again?". It's because I have to believe there's good in everyone. I need to know.

Sorry if it's a bit jambled. Like I said, I'm losing sleep over this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So he unblocked you and now you think its a sign from the universe that you should contact him because there is good in everybody?

I JUST found this out yesterday, but facebook has changed so you can indeed block someone who has already blocked you. (It used to not be this way, that is, it used to be that if someone blocked you, then you had no ability to block them at all.)

I'm not sure why you're taking this as something that is meant to be, a sign from the universe or whatnot.....I mean, wouldn't you be just as pissed at the universe for bringing him into your life to begin with? I'd say you have an unhealthy obsession with him if you are still trying to keep tabs on him, checking his facebook profile, etc.

Oh, and non-consensual sex IS rape, and if you want to just believe that he thought it was non-consensual (and not rape), then you're lying to yourself. Do you really feel better living in a world where "no" doesn't mean "no"?

If you really can't go on unless you talk to him, be prepared for the VERY WORST to happen. Are you prepared for him to turn all this around and falsely accuse you of harassment? Are you prepared for a psychotic break if things don't go well? You may brush all of this off and say oh, that's not going to happen, but the truth is that it could.

Your best bet is to just let it go. MOST abusers won't admit to anything that they've done wrong. And since he could still be charged with rape at this point (I am guessing the statute of limitations isn't up), do you honestly think he would admit to anything? Do you honestly think that anything he says would be the truth?

ETA

I realize its hard for you to admit you were raped. I am guessing that if you hear your rapist say "I didn't know I was raping you" then somewhere deep down you think you can stop feeling like a rape victim. It doesn't really work like that. I strongly suggest that you work on radical acceptance as denial of the very trauma is going to keep you as a victim and prevent you from becoming a survivor. Its hard to move forward, but until you switch your focus from HIM to YOU and your healing, you aren't going to move forward. That is, your healing must focus on you, as the focus on your perpetrator is a distraction.

 

[joeylittle]

I feel like the Universe is giving me a chance to get closure.
This is where I'm torn.
I want to speak to him. I need closure on this.

I don't believe in the universe doing anything. But I definitely want to say that closure can also mean blocking him and moving on. It is harder, because it can seem much more lonely. But it is, in the long run, better for your mental health for you to understand that you cannot ever control other peoples' actions, only your own. And I suspect that you would want something from him if you spoke to him - an acknowledgement, an apology, something. You must understand that you can't get your needs met by other people in that way, and especially not your emotional needs in recovering from rape.

I'm not usually this one-sided about something, but I feel very strongly: if this is a "sign" of anything, it is that you can and should invest in some more support for yourself, and you are not going to get it from him.

 

[NukaGirl]

Do you know what consensual non-consensual is? Play. Not real.
And I'm not keeping tabs on him. He showed up in my suggested friends on facebook. I couldn't believe that it was the same guy so I looked at his profile once. And it was him.

And where did I say I was finding it hard to accept I was raped? I know what he did was rape. I'm fully aware of that, thank you. What I'm saying is there's a part of me that wants to believe that maybe, just maybe, he didn't realise. Because there are people out there, who don't know, or don't realise, that what they've done constitutes as rape.

Are you always this unnecessarily rude to people?
Yes, I believe in a higher power and I believe in higher selfs. My guts are telling me to try. And before you mention it again, yes I am prepared to hear him say that yes, he did mean it. Whatever he says is closure. And that's what I need.
Because it's been three years and I'm sick to Hell of not being able to sleep, or have a normal life, or normal relationships, because of him.
If there is even a chance that he is sorry, I'll take it, and I can forgive him and move on more easily.

I was kind of hoping that this would not be the response I got. I get it, I do.

And for the love of Odhinn I am not looking for support from him. I'm looking to affirm my gut feeling about this. That's it. Once I have my closure, I'm done. He can rot for all I care. I just need to know. I need to face this.

 

[Chava]

Do you know what consensual non-consensual is? Play. Not real.

I am simultaneously scattered and dense lately, so sorry, but I don't get this. Are you saying you think he thought you were playing along with it? More like he never had consensus, bottom line. It was not consensual (or "consensual non consensual) if he never had consensus and only signs of non consensus. Sounds like a possible load of shit excuse and pretty scary if guys can use that, get closure for everyone, and move on. Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear in response to asking us...

I'm also willing to suggest that this is not a sign from the universe, but rather just how facebook works. Everyone in a 300 miles radius of my hometown will likely pop up as a suggested friend or friend of a friend. It only means one more person to block in some cases. Nothing special with deeper meaning.

No matter what this is, it makes me cringe, and just based on my read of your first post I'd say block him or get off of facebook and talk it over with a therapist. In my own experience, I don't ask for the abuser's perspective of how things went. And dialogue with an attacker is not healing when we're talking about a trauma vs a more simple misunderstanding (rape is traumatic and I relate to the trauma responses of not sleeping or being able to do relationships). I understand closure, but honestly no, not this way. But it sounds like you know what you want to do and want affirmation for that. Don't take it as a personal invalidation or any rudeness directed at you, it's more like the opposite based on the information. But I hear it's complex and bothering you. Can you talk to a therapist or counselor and wait and not rush to facebook dialogue with this person?

 

[nursenurse]

You are deluding yourself. Block him, get help for yourself. You do not need affirmation to trust your gut. However if you want to reopen wounds and leave with more self doubt and questions, then go right ahead. You have been given good, solid advice in the previous posts. Whether you choose to follow it is up to you.

 

[Suzetig]

Is it insane to even consider talking to him, to want to reaffirm my belief that he thought we were just doing consensual non-consensual? Because I want to believe that. I want to believe so badly that he didn't know I was being serious...

]

Are you thinking he thought you were both playing out some kind of fantasy type thing where you withheld consent but didnt meant it? I'm just not sure what you mean by "doing consensual non-consensual"?

Personally I think the universe is you an opportunity to care for yourself by blocking this person again and never looking back.

 

[Mishap]

I believe in a higher power, and I believe things happen for a reason. Whether you can suddenly see him on Facebook is so you can ask him this question or block him yourself is up to you.

My suggestion would be to talk it over with your therapist first. I would write down all his possible answers from "I raped you, you ******," to "I'm suing you for slander," and see how each makes you feel. Sometimes it isn't getting the actual answer that we need, but going through the process. If that makes sense at all?

I personally am an "I want answers" kind of person. It bugs me to no end to not have that closure. So I can relate to where you're coming from with that. I've never been raped, so I can only imagine, but I know I don't want to face my abuser for anything. Nothing. I don't care what he has to say, I don't want to hear his excuses. I would be taking it as a sign that the Universe had handed me my power back and *I* could block him.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok, here's me being REALLY blunt!

If you don't have a SAFE word in the context of play, then yes, anything does in fact go, and no, it wasn't rape. I'm not victim blaming, but if you're going to get involved in PLAY, you need to know how the game works. No safe word means that you are setting yourself up to be a victim. If you were just playing and didn't have a safe word, then you set yourself up to be victimized. I say this as in the context of PLAY, no does not mean "no".....some people have rape fantasies where the word "no" is just part of the game.

I am always shocked at the number of posts I see regarding "play" where the participants don't even know RULE ONE.....that being, have a safe word and be with a partner who respects the safe word. If you don't "play" by the rules, you are setting yourself up for bad things to happen, and again, that's on you. I think you "played" and got burned because you didn't care to learn the rules before you started. Just my opinion.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

I stopped reading the responses after the OP replied. I tend to lean towards wanting to find good in people, and forgiving them if they messed up. That is how I want to be treated. I do think people may be ignorant and not know the full extent of what they are doing. Everyone's experience is different, and rape is WRONG, but I don't feel there is anything wrong with NukaGirl looking for closure and the chance to forgive, heal, or even educate someone of what constitutes rape. It can be easy for people to down-play actions. I also think there are different levels of rape, and that some do border on the line of is it really rape or not.
I don't consider myself to have been raped by my now ex-husband, but I am sure someone else in my situation could very well see it differently. Maybe I'm in denial. I think getting closure and providing forgiveness is always a good step toward healing. Do what you feel is best NukaGirl.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You can't change the definition of "no" and then scream rape. (That's essentially what consensual non-consensual does.) This guy probably didn't know that you wanted him to stop as yes, you did initially agree to everything.....so when you wanted things to stop, he didn't know that you wanted him to stop. Don't ruin his life because you changed your mind mid-game. He didn't rape you.

(And I know that a woman has a right to say "no" at any point, but when the rules of the game throw the meaning of the word "no" out the window, one has to be careful and create another word that means "no". I still don't think its right for you to tell a guy that he raped you when you set it all up to be a game. Its not right to pin that on someone as you could seriously mess him up for life.)

 

[shimmerz]

I feel like the Universe is giving me a chance to get closure.

I believe in the Universe, so I get this part. The problem with the Universe thought process is that we can twist things around to suit our ego or our desires rather than looking at what is for the better good of the Universe. I don't believe in accidents. If he is back then yes, chances are good there is a reason. That reason is not for you to allow HIM to do better. It is for YOU to do better. I think that is where you might be skewing things.

Do you know what consensual non-consensual is? Play. Not real.

Consensual non-consent is a selling of one's soul. It is giving up all rights to your soul for the sake of another. I am positive this doesn't fit appropriately into the Universal law which teaches us that we are responsible for our souls and the chakras that are our energy sources. Give them away and the Universe will jam you will lessons as to how to take responsibility back for them.