Meditation is making my symptoms worse... or am i doing it wrong?

[Momofthree]

I have been trying to do meditation for 10min a day for two weeks now and my once managed symptoms seem to be compliantly out of control! I'm having nightmares, night terrors, flash backs, and panic attacks. I am depressed and have suicidal ideations. It seems like as soon as I quiet my mind the flood gates beak and I start to drown. To the point that even after I stop meditating on Thursday I wasn't able to get my symptoms back under control until Monday! Monday and Tuesday I was fine (well fine for me). Has anyone else had this problem? or am I doing something wrong?
Note: When I meditate I sit up on my bed in the dark, close my eyes, and quiet my mind. Focus on slowing my breathing and heart rate. After a few minutes of this the I start getting vary insecure and depressed (I start crying and even get suicidal). I have stopped at this point which didn't help because then all day I felt insecure and depressed. I have also pushed through these feeling which also didn't help because that's when the panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmare, and night terrors started up again through out the whole rest of me day and night.

 

[WildMermaid]

Are you seeing anyone for therapy? If not it is probably time to seek out a trustworthy therapist my dear. Do these same feelings and thoughts occur with guided meditation or visualizations as well? My monkey mind likes to chatter and point out every single thing I've failed at whenever I try and quiet it, so I use the above methods instead of proper meditation. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds as if you're having some rather intense reactions and if it is the quiet time of meditation that is triggering you then please don't continue until you can talk with a professional. :hug:

 

[shimmerz]

I could only do meditation while with a trusted spiritual person. Even then I tranced out a ton. I agree with @Glitterkitty . Make sure you have a really good therapist and I also would add I would back off on the meditation given the results you are getting. You may want to make that a goal later down the line.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Meditation creates space for things. So if things are bubbling up and you don't have the skills/tools yet to deal with it, it would seem better not to meditate. You could try yoga, which is a style of meditation, but in yoga you are focusing on creating space for your body and for your muscles to relax after tensing.

 

[Momofthree]

Thank you all for responding.

Are you seeing anyone for therapy?

I'm in between therapist right now, while looking for a new therapist and thought I would try meditation.

So if things are bubbling up and you don't have the skills/tools yet to deal with it, it would seem better not to meditate.

I've been using my grounding technique to help me when I have issues I'm just kind of shocked at how much the episodes increased when I started to meditate. I haven't done yoga in years, I could try that again.
My goal for doing meditation was to help me relax at the end of the day and sleep better. My life is VARY stressful right now. Maybe meditation isn't the right choice for me.
Like I said in the post I stop on Thursday last week and haven't done it again since. I guess I was more just wondering if I was doing it wrong or if this is a 'normal' reaction for someone with Complex PTSD when starting meditation?

 

[Anarchy]

Spartan lifecoach had a vid up in about august, describing the difficulties that complex early trauma causes for meditation - basically it gives your inner critic and all of the other trauma demons a chance to stab you.

I find the mindfulness stuff good, as @Radise says, yoga is supposed to be very good (I haven't gone there yet), and martial arts.

update: here's the vid:

 

[Hope4Now]

It seems like as soon as I quiet my mind the flood gates beak and I start to drown. To the point that even after I stop meditating on Thursday I wasn't able to get my symptoms back under control until Monday! Monday and Tuesday I was fine (well fine for me). Has anyone else had this problem? or am I doing something wrong?

Last fall, before I was even diagnosed, I started a meditation practice on my own and CRAZY things started happening to me. So, what you're describing is not unusual I think. As @Radise said, "Meditation creates space for things." Yup. It let a lot of stuff that was repressed in me bubble up. It has been a wild ride. When I was doing it then, I also was doing it in the dark, being still, with my eyes closed. No more. Now...eyes open, in the light, and guided by an audio CD. Much better. Also doing movement oriented work (yoga and mindful movement).

 

[Momofthree]

@Anarchy I found it on YouTube and was coming back to tell you I found it vary helpful when I saw you posted a link too :woot: I didn't see it before. Anyway what he says makes a lot of since. I think I'll try his 'supper white belt' way to start and see if that helps. Thanks.

 

[Ronin]

Just hopping in to say I totally get your issues. I can get into meditation only if I do everything but sitting anywhere, and whole the 'close eyes and ___' ever worked only with my partner and mentors, pretty much nobody else; whole cinema of memories and sensations but no balance. It's something I keep trying to go back to year to year, but so far no match.

 

[Momofthree]

@Anarchy I also really like what he says about the 'fireworks' vs 'mortars'! Such a great way to look at emotional flashbacks and negative thoughts!

 

[Momofthree]

@Kaia thanks for the empathy. If you can, you should watch the video that Anarchy posted above. I found it resonated with my experience with meditation almost exactly.

 

[Chava]

Meditation, starting out on your own and with trauma background, can be very scary and even overwhelming. But mindfulness and working towards "presence" is a good tool. You probably aren't doing it "wrong" but probably need more tools to even get you safely towards slowing down or quiet. Alone, those things are probably triggering stuff. For my body "slowing down" seems to create panic if not done carefully. And that's natural for some of us, I believe, because we are often stuck in mild to extreme hypervigilance. You try to slow down and the nervous system just bucks back harder because it doesn't feel safe to stop or be "still."

What helps me is mindful or slow movement, like gentler forms of yoga. Also, listening to a guided meditation on podcast or CD. Finding a smaller meditation group also helps because I'm in a new environment and feel supported versus totally alone with what comes up. If that sounds like something you could try, you might consider talking to the meditation teacher/priest/guru a bit and letting them know you are new to meditation, you are struggling with some past things like trauma, and it's not going well. I'm tempted to say just stop meditating and find some bridge towards stillness that doesn't toss your body and nervous system 180 backwards....like a mindful walk, noticing the trees, feeling your steps, etc. Or yoga with slower, calming movement. I've done lots of this stuff to help my body feel okay with "slower" but NOT stopping or total stillness too often. That's a big leap.

Last thought....probably find a sunny area, and set up a special spot with a cushion, maybe a little vase or flower, and your laptop with some sort of guided meditation perhaps. I just don't agree with meditating while sitting on your bed or in the dark. First, you need to change the space and there is no reason to meditate in the dark. I wonder if you are pushing yourself too hard to "slow down" when it might be more about a gentle progression towards simply being okay with stillness and being with your body.

Somatic psychotherapy is another option (I do Somatic Experiencing)...has helped me not feel totally freaked out by sensations and just being with my body all the time. Also has helped me find a better path towards slowing down without tipping into feeling triggered or trapped all the time. Mainly, listen to your body. It is telling you that this is not the right route at this moment. Hard feelings can come up in meditation, it's not supposed to be easy, but this sounds like it's triggering you more than serving as a potential new resource. But there might be very little ways to make it a much different experience...some of the ideas I mentioned, and others, but also keep experimenting and listening to your body.