Disclosing/ Possibly Seeing Abuser

[Catlovers141]

This is my situation: I have not seen my abuser for approximately six years. My sister is graduating this June and he is invited to her ceremony and party. I have only remembered that it was him for the past six months, so this would be the first time that I am seeing him with the knowledge of what he did to me. I love my sister and I don't want to miss this important event in her life, but the thought of seeing my abuser is terrifying. I have thought about talking to my parents about it, but I have brought it up more vaguely in the past and they thought I was making it up so I could blame my problems on someone else, and I don't think they will respond any better when I tell them who I think it was. I have also thought about going and not saying anything, kind of pretending that things are okay, but my therapist thinks this is a terrible idea and I agree. I have thought about it for months and it does not feel like there is a way for me to resolve this without immense pain for me and possibly others.

 

[scout86]

but my therapist thinks this is a terrible idea and I agree. I

What are the reasons that it's a "terrible idea"?

 

[Catlovers141]

What are the reasons that it's a "terrible idea"?

Because it would be ignoring/"betraying" my experience to go an pretend things are okay when they are not. I admit that this is often my default, to just push my way through things and pretend there is not a problem, but I always feel awful after I do it.

 

[scout86]

Well, IMO, there's a time and a place for this stuff. (Somewhere on here there's a thread from last fall, when my dad died, I had to speak at the funeral AND my abuser who few know the identity of was going to be there. AND, I've "confronted" him in a letter that he ignored.....) I survived (obviously). Got a lot of good support and insight from people here. It went pretty well, all things considered.

This is your sister's graduation. IMO the day is about THAT. It's not about you. It's not about your abuser. It's about her. That's just MY OPINION. It's a point of view.

There may or may not be a point in confronting him,. That might best be a battle for another day. A day that can be about THAT.

My T chooses to focus on how are things going NOW and how can we get them to work better down the road. That works for me. It fits with how I see the world. He doesn't seem to think i need to confront anyone. If I wanted to, I'm sure he'd help me with it. What he says about abusers is, they pretty much don't get it. They don't see it as "abuse" and they don't get what all the fuss is about. They really, truly, purely don't. Kind of hard to believe when you're on this side of the issue because it darn sure looks like a big deal from HERE. To them, though, it's usually not and most likely never will be. Which means, "confronting" is fine, if YOU will get something out of it, but don't expect it to change them or affect them in any meaningful way. Don't expect an apology. Don't expect insight.

You really don't have to PRETEND anything. Things are what they are. No, what that person did was NOT ok. But YOU are going on with your life, regardless. And you're capable of being the kind of person who puts their own hurts aside on a day, to honor the sister you love. YOU can chose the time and place for a confrontation, if you want one. You're not denying anything by deliberately choosing not make your sister's graduation into a drama about you and the abuser.

Again JMO! Think it through and come up with the path that works for you. Different paths for different people. And good luck with what ever path you chose. I'm pretty sure it won't be an easy day for you, no matter what.

 

[joeylittle]

My sister is graduating this June and he is invited to her ceremony and party. I have only remembered that it was him for the past six months, so this would be the first time that I am seeing him with the knowledge of what he did to me. I love my sister and I don't want to miss this important event in her life, but the thought of seeing my abuser is terrifying.

I think you've got time to develop strategies for dealing with the fear - both the current thought that it is terrifying, and the experiences that created the fear. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you will be over your trauma by June - but between now and then, you could have a goal specifically geared towards this event.

I don't like pretending either - but the alternatives aren't just "pretend" or "spill your guts". There's an in-between place where a combination of mindfulness, distraction, and scripting (working out the language you can use for common questions/situations) can make it possible to go through a high-stress situation like this and come out the other side. Having someone go with you who knows the situation would also really help. Structuring your timing (arrival and departure) so that you are able to be there and see your sister, but not just dangling loose with nothing to do.

If you want to disclose, and this is motivating you to do it, then go for it. But if you don't want to, yet, then I think you have other options besides go and suffer or don't go and suffer, if that makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Some people shouldn't have children. Seriously. I didn't end up with the best ones but at least mine fiercely defended me when they found out about my abuse and wanted to see my abuser die a slow horrible death. It sort of blows my mind to read about parents who disregard their children in this sense. Be there for your sister but tell your parents to feck off.

 

[Catlovers141]

I think you have other options besides go and suffer or don't go and suffer, if that makes sense.

It doesn't feel like it, but I see what you are saying in that there is time to work out coping skills, arrival/departure times, etc. that could feel safe.