To Those Who've Been Beaten Up...

[Upside Down Eagle]

Not entirely sure where to put this. I have been putting a lot of posts in the wrong areas lately and they have been moved around by (very helpful) staff, so thanks for that and I hope I got it right... :P

I was wondering if those of you who have been beaten up frequently (like me), recognize this impulse. I have been beaten from ages "can't remember when it started" to fourteen or fifteen. My mother hated my guts, my very existence on the face of the Earth and it was clear that the beatings were meant to get rid of me somehow.

When I am triggered by things that remind me of humiliation (like my body) and all things that remind me of sexual humiliation, however remote, I feel like beating the shit out of myself. I get really angry at myself and want to "punish" myself, but exactly what for I don't know. It's like I become my own mother.

My question to you guys is -do you also experience this? Do you become your abuser and then you start harming yourself as if you were them?

And also: do you have any idea how I can stop "being my mom" in those moments and return to being me? I think maybe I hate being me because I was vulnerable, maybe I become my own abuser because of it... :nailbiting: But I am not sure how to return to being myself.

 

[joeylittle]

Excellent choice of forum, @Radise :p

I have this problem. I have a really hard time not hitting myself or throwing body parts against hard things (like punching a brick wall). I manage it like any other kind of self-harm. But it's strange and scary, for sure. I have no clue how to make the urge go away, except to keep working through my trauma.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Do you have any standard techniques for managing self-harm in general JoeyLittle? Maybe I should really find out about it more. I have a tendency to pretend that it didn't happen (even to myself).

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Yup, I used to punch myself hard enough in the face to leave nasty bruises, I have peeled my own skin off in the past.

I don't harm like this much at all these days and yes I do believe this is a throwback to when I was abused. From a very early, in my toddler years right through until age fifteen.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yup, I used to punch myself hard enough in the face to leave nasty bruises, I have peeled my own skin off in the past.

Yeah I used to do that too. People thought I was having some kind of weird rash. Not...

Now I mostly throw punches at myself when my body is triggering me.. and I punch pretty hard >< (sadly haha). I'd like to change the behavior, am exploring some possible remedies...

 

[joeylittle]

Self Harm - Help Me Understand

There's some ideas in there. It's all about aggressive distraction, for me. Almost a kind of conditioning. I got really on top of cutting by making myself take a cold shower when I had the urge. I hate cold showers. I'd rather not-cut. So I'm trying to be disciplined in the same way now about the hitting.

 

[Anarchy]

those of you who have been beaten up frequently (like me),

I'm in that club too.

recognize this impulse... When I am triggered by things that remind me of humiliation... I feel like beating the shit out of myself. I get really angry at myself and want to "punish" myself, but exactly what for I don't know.

I've buggered the knuckle joints of my right hand punching walls and doors. I never punched my face but I've grabbed flesh, torn out handfuls of hair and punched my legs.

It felt like I needed to match the emotional pain with physical pain.

What I hadn't thought of until I read your original post, was the idea of repeating the bullying that I received as a child - as though I was a little child being told that I deserved pain.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

The walls of my last house were solid concrete, luckily I had the presence of mind not to punch them xD
But I did mess up my foot kicking some stuff, walked with crutches for a month or so.

It felt like I needed to match the emotional pain with physical pain.

Yeah I can relate to that. I feel like maybe the emotional pain will go away if I beat it. That's how I resemble my mother (abuser).
She used to beat me hoping that her own shit would go away (as I remember her she was violent and suicidal).

I think I took that on. Her way of dealing with bad emotion.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

It felt like I needed to match the emotional pain with physical pain.

My repeated hitting myself to the head, only ever to the right hand side of my head, and pulling at my face with my bare fingers until I had grazes all over it. ( I did take a photo to remind myself just how violent I can be) - both of these actions now I really think about it are the ways my eldest brother (abuser) would punish me as a small boy.

 

[ealiza]

I do it too. I actually started crying reading this thread, because I thought I was alone about this and haven't even told my therapist - so thank you! I don't have any advice though, more than trying to do the opposite of what the impulses are telling you; I try to do something kind for myself or even patting myself on the shoulder or something, to try and break the cycle somehow…

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I'm still working on ways to break the cycle Ealiza :) You'll find that on this forum you are seldom alone in your problems!
I guess it's both sad and helpful to have people around who go through the same thing...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I used to hate and loathe myself and bit my nails to the quick and bled. It took the kindness of a dear friend to tell me that I was just continuing the abuse of my family. It took a long time and a lot of work but I do not hate or loathe myself anymore and I have very long nails now. There is hope.

You have to make the choice to stop abusing yourself I think because you are making yourself feel worse. This is an excellent thread and I am grateful that you had the bravery to bring it up.

I still comfort eat which is not good so I am not over it yet, but I am trying to learn how to be kind to myself nowadays. Sending you healing hugs on your healing journey.