Crazy Uncle In The Basement

[Bill Dickerson]

I often feel like my place in the family is the crazy uncle in the basement. I haven't discussed the PTSD with anybody. My sons knows I won't go to a war movie with him since it makes me have trouble sleeping. AKA (nightmares) They know I don't want to see the youtube videos of cop dash cams since it makes me jumpy.

My kids never push and they don't ask. I take that back sometimes they ask why and I just say "been there done that". They give me an OK and we move on.

I've tried to discuss it with my Mom who I live with and help take care of....could be the other way round. She showed me a newspaper article the other day about pit bulls being trained for vets. I thought she made the connection (me ..dogs...PTSD) but she didn't. I was frustrated to say the least. She still doesn't understand why I often wake up hollering or swinging. She sometimes says I'll scare the neighbors or thinks it just goofy or funny.

I think maybe it's a purposeful blind spot. It will be OK if she ignores it.

My sisters will call me if they have a question or want their taxes done. I'm the nerd in the basement too I guess but then I will hear them make comments to each other. I can paraphrase it to well that is just the way he is......

I would much rather have a two minute conversation at the store with a stranger than my family. The stranger doesn't know I'm the crazy uncle.

I'm not sure I care for the Crazy Uncle in the Basement designation. Anybody else run into this????

 

[Eleanor]

First off, Bill, let me say that if I was going to have a crazy uncle in my basement, or indeed an uncle of any kind, I would pick you. OK? But I wouldn't like the designation much. It kind of ... reifies the disfunction of the family, if that makes any sense.

Maybe you've said this before and I just forgot, but (very gently) why haven't you told your kids that you have PTSD? It might be good for them and you to have some way to explain your oddities... It was, as my H and I were talking about just yesterday, the MAIN reason why I stuck it out with him. Because I knew that it was not a character issue with him, but mental illness.

Is ignoring difficult and disturbing things your mom's M.O.? (It is my mom's. She is a samurai master at "disappearing" things from consciousness.)

I totally get the 'rather talk to strangers" thing. Do your sister's take after your mom with respect to coping strategy? Polite and clueless?

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I cannot tell you that I can relate, but I think I can imagine what it must be like.

PTSD is a very complicated thing. It's very hard to understand when you're not a sufferer. However, your family should show a little more understanding in that you have been wounded really badly and that you are therefore less capable to function the same way they do. If your kids can do it without judging, so can they.

Have you ever told them how it seems like they think you're a crazy uncle because of the way they treat you? It can be very hurtful to have your family treat you like some crazy outcast and you deserve a lot better. But maybe they don't realise that they're kind of acting like assholes. Or maybe they think you don't notice that they're taking advantage of you. Perhals they don't even notice it themselves.

Whatever the reason, I want you to know that you are not some crazy uncle living in a basement. You deserve to be treated a lot better. And I guess your family could use some more education on the subject.

I hope it'll work out for you.

 

[watundah]

I don't know how old your kids are but agree it may be time to talk to them about your past. It will help all of you rather than them guessing and you keeping it bottled up. It may take down a wall and make you closer. Maybe your sisters, too, in a separate talk? Best to you.

 

[still_i_rise]

On one hand I would encourage you to talk about it with and when you are comfortable with those you choose to share this with. I totally encourage this.

At the same time, I would caution that you may not get the supportive response you are looking for from your family. I don't know you. I don't know your family. Though your mom sounds like my MIL :p

My husband has been dealing with PTSD from a series of traumatic events that stems from his teens. His family knows he's been struggling for a while but they don't know why. He told his dad and one of his sisters last weekend. They both called him a liar. At the same time they are pushing him to get help. It's all sorts of cognitive dissonance.

They do love him. They do care for him and want the best for him. However, I think they have "Not in MY family' syndrome. It's heartbreaking to watch my husband reach out to his family to only watch them shove him down.

He's has another sister that has been open, receptive and supportive. I think the difference is that she has spent much time in war-torn countries working with Doctors Without Borders and she has seen and been surrounded by trauma and understands the nature of diseases like PTSD.

Is there a family member that you think would be more open and already some awareness about PTSD?

 

[Bill Dickerson]

Maybe you've said this before and I just forgot, but (very gently) why haven't you told your kids that you have PTSD? It might be good for them and you to have some way to explain your oddities.

My kids both in their twenties know their dad was cop and I had some friends die. Not really from being told as much as me answering questions. I never went int detail and they were satisfied with the answers. They've grown up with dad being paranoid and jumpy so it seems normal for me be to be this way. They often perceive my issues even when I attempt to act "normal". I remember once my son noticed how uncomfortable I was in a crowd at a ball game. He asked if I wanted to stand somewhere else which we did. It was understood and nothing else was said about it. My kids are accepting the way kids are and I am happiest when around them. I suppose I just wish I wan'ts broken in certain ways.

My Sisters are much older than me... I was a late surprise. I didn't really grow up with them so I've always been an oddity I guess and my behavior only supported that belief. I don't really get along with them too well. I don't completely accept their behaviors. I guess every family is broken in some way. One of my sisters lies whenever her mouth is moving. They aren't even good lies but my Mom says OK and moves on. The other has all kinds of issues of her own that are too many too mention.

I refuse to buy into their BS so they leave me alone. (most of the time anyway) I don't mind them asking questions or me doing taxes since it is one few normal interactions we have.

They often stay Mad at me since I refuse to let them take advantage of my Mom. That's OK because they leave me alone.

My Mom won't say no so she has me run interference. I think she ignores their issues like she does mine.

 

[Eleanor]

Your sisters sound like bad bets. Your kids, on the other hand, sound like good compassionate young men. I'm not suggesting that you share trauma details with them, just that you give them some information about PTSD and its symptoms and tell them you have it.

I think it is important for kids to know their parents' characters in a clear way. The PTSD gets in the way of seeing who you are. And if they think it is YOU they might worry that it is also... somehow... THEM. It is an injury, not a character issue (although it can amplify those in some ways). Having grown up with an emotionally neglectful/absent mother, I never learned to talk about difficult things, or even that it was better to do so until much much later. I thnk talking about it is a better way. Maybe you might consider that for you and your sons?