Kahina Rhea
New Here
I'm 19 years old and for several years I have wondered or rather had this feeling that I may have been sexually abused by my father and just can't remember it.
My older sister was molested by him, but didn't come out about until years after my parents divorced. She was 11 when she finally came forward and me 7. When she first said something I didn't believe her.
My father had me so brainwashed as a child he had me convinced that my sister was a liar (before she told on him), my mother was a whore, and that he was a perfect angel.
Once I got older though I could finally start seeing things as they where. My father is a terrible drunk and drug addict and always will be. He has physically and verbally abused me through out my life, but to this day denies it probably because he was to messed up to remember.
Anyways the reason I feel like he may have done things to me as well is because of a few fragment memories, feelings, and things my mother has told me. Ever since I can remember every time my father would take a bath he would want me in there with him sitting on the side of the tub. He would have me wash his back and just stay in there until he was done. I detested watching him bath, but if I tried to leave or left he would always have me come back.
My father also made me sleep in the same bed with him until I was about 12 and if he were to take a nap I had to lay there beside him and was not permitted to leave. I always got this strange feeling when I laid next to him where I almost felt violated just being held in his embraces. I felt disgusting.
I also had bladder infections when my parents were together hardly any after. When my parents separated my father took me from my mother and I wasn't allowed to talk to her or for her to know where I was.
I can remember one night we stayed at a motel and my father was in the shower. While he was there my mother called his cell phone and I answered. This was the first time I had talked to her and she was panicking wanting to know where I was. I couldn't tell her because I didn't know and I couldn't read at the time. I hid beneath a sheet and tried to tell her what the area looked like, but my father rushed in the room yanked the sheet off and phone away, he looked angry, and no matter how hard I try I can't remember what he did to me next. I don't remember much about the weeks I was with him but I do remember the cops finally locating me and busting into the apartment and taking me away.
I remember not wanting to be alone with him after that. He scared me. Later on he gained custody and I started staying with him on the weekends. I don't remember, but my mom says every time I came home I would run inside to her and just cry I was so happy to be home. I don't know what happened exactly but during the divorce my father was sending me child porn.
I can also remember on one of the nights I stayed with him after sleeping in bed with him I awoke that morning with no blankets covering me and my p.js and panties around my ankles. Why did I wake up like that? Why wouldn't he cover me up when he got up that morning?
I also remember him always kissing on my neck. He called them neck sugars. I was 10 and he was drunk holding me down kissing me all over my neck and I screamed and kicked for him to get off. When he got off he acted like id hurt his feelings by telling him to stop.
I don't remember him actually touching any of my lady parts, but could he have? I mean as a kid I did strange things I am embarrassed about now like making my barbies have sex, getting my friends to pretend or play sex games,
I've had sexual dreams dealing with my father, and I started masturbating at the age of 6 every day up to today. I was a very depressed teen and at 13 I started drinking, trying drugs, and self harming just trying to get rid of the pain I felt on the inside.
I've thought about seeing a professional to help try and remember but false memories worry me. I just want to know if what I feel is real or in my head. Sorry the read was so long.
My older sister was molested by him, but didn't come out about until years after my parents divorced. She was 11 when she finally came forward and me 7. When she first said something I didn't believe her.
My father had me so brainwashed as a child he had me convinced that my sister was a liar (before she told on him), my mother was a whore, and that he was a perfect angel.
Once I got older though I could finally start seeing things as they where. My father is a terrible drunk and drug addict and always will be. He has physically and verbally abused me through out my life, but to this day denies it probably because he was to messed up to remember.
Anyways the reason I feel like he may have done things to me as well is because of a few fragment memories, feelings, and things my mother has told me. Ever since I can remember every time my father would take a bath he would want me in there with him sitting on the side of the tub. He would have me wash his back and just stay in there until he was done. I detested watching him bath, but if I tried to leave or left he would always have me come back.
My father also made me sleep in the same bed with him until I was about 12 and if he were to take a nap I had to lay there beside him and was not permitted to leave. I always got this strange feeling when I laid next to him where I almost felt violated just being held in his embraces. I felt disgusting.
I also had bladder infections when my parents were together hardly any after. When my parents separated my father took me from my mother and I wasn't allowed to talk to her or for her to know where I was.
I can remember one night we stayed at a motel and my father was in the shower. While he was there my mother called his cell phone and I answered. This was the first time I had talked to her and she was panicking wanting to know where I was. I couldn't tell her because I didn't know and I couldn't read at the time. I hid beneath a sheet and tried to tell her what the area looked like, but my father rushed in the room yanked the sheet off and phone away, he looked angry, and no matter how hard I try I can't remember what he did to me next. I don't remember much about the weeks I was with him but I do remember the cops finally locating me and busting into the apartment and taking me away.
I remember not wanting to be alone with him after that. He scared me. Later on he gained custody and I started staying with him on the weekends. I don't remember, but my mom says every time I came home I would run inside to her and just cry I was so happy to be home. I don't know what happened exactly but during the divorce my father was sending me child porn.
I can also remember on one of the nights I stayed with him after sleeping in bed with him I awoke that morning with no blankets covering me and my p.js and panties around my ankles. Why did I wake up like that? Why wouldn't he cover me up when he got up that morning?
I also remember him always kissing on my neck. He called them neck sugars. I was 10 and he was drunk holding me down kissing me all over my neck and I screamed and kicked for him to get off. When he got off he acted like id hurt his feelings by telling him to stop.
I don't remember him actually touching any of my lady parts, but could he have? I mean as a kid I did strange things I am embarrassed about now like making my barbies have sex, getting my friends to pretend or play sex games,
I've had sexual dreams dealing with my father, and I started masturbating at the age of 6 every day up to today. I was a very depressed teen and at 13 I started drinking, trying drugs, and self harming just trying to get rid of the pain I felt on the inside.
I've thought about seeing a professional to help try and remember but false memories worry me. I just want to know if what I feel is real or in my head. Sorry the read was so long.
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