Scared My Therapist Will Drop Me

[bluejay]

I have been in therapy for 3 years. My T diagnosed me with cPTSD and everything finally made sense. She really saved my life with her commitment to me. I recently had a session where uncomfortable things came up, I am not sure whether they are true or not, just appeared in my mind. I don't like to attribute potentially false meanings to random memories, nor was I encouraged to, so I chose to leave this where it is and haven't returned to therapy for several months. Since then I have been frozen, had nightmares, been triggered by other events not related to the last therapy session but to the original reason I went to therapy, etc. I am so depressed and shutdown, very discouraged because I was making such good progress and am very resilient. I have had small gaps in therapy before but nothing like this, with such a negative spiral. I am thinking of going back and discussing the PTSD reactions but not the issue that came up last time. There are many, many, many other reasons for me to have PTSD and be in therapy and I don't think this last one is even true. I don't want to go down that rabbit hole for nothing. I am struggling to handle these feelings on my own (again) so do need some help. Can't talk to my husband, I don't think he even believes that I have cPTSD and never wants to talk about it, is dismissive that things in the past could affect me so much 25 years later. I have given up on having that kind of emotional intimacy with him, so I am on my own. That makes my therapist so important. My hesitation in going back is that events in our city have the potential to be very triggering for her based on her prior career before becoming a therapist. There have been many lately and my first thought when hearing about them is how it would be so hard for her. I can't give details but my concern is whether what I bring in to the office is adding to that. I know that is maybe projection, and she would be the first to tell me that if she can't handle things she will tell me. I am afraid to go back and discuss this with her because my fear is she will tell me she can't see me anymore. Had nightmares about this. Abandonment......so confused. Should I go back or just try to use the tools she helped me learn (or dissociate)? Thank you for any ideas.

 

[StellaBlue]

It is your therapist's job to handle her own triggers and issues...and if she can't handle them, or is not equipped to help you, she is ethically obligated to refer you to someone else. As scary as being referred out is, it might be the right thing to do. On the other hand, she may be willing and able to work with you...but you will never know unless you talk to her about it.

 

[sun seeker]

Abandonment......so confused. Should I go back or just try to use the tools she helped me learn (or dissociate)?

It sounds as though abandonment is a big issue for you, if you are suffering from it before it even happens. I do the same thing so I understand. It's really rough.

The truth is, you can't know what she is going to do ahead of time, nor can any of us guess. People are unpredictable, your therapist as much as anyone else. It can make life feel pretty unsafe, I know. Part of the point of therapy is to get to a place where you can take care of yourself well enough that it doesn't matter so much what anyone does, but that takes work and time.

Your question boils down to this: should you go back to therapy and risk the possibility of abandonment, or should you keep doing the best you can with the tools you have now? Neither seems to be comfortable or risk-free, so the question becomes which can you tolerate better? Maybe even though life right now doesn't feel good, it isn't bad enough to tip the scale in the direction of taking that calculated risk. It certainly sounds like there is more for you to work on, but only you can know when the time is right.