Sufferer Looking For Someone Who Has Been There

[pancake_platter]

It's all a lot to think of an introduction.

Man I don't know if I want to make this post serious or funny to lighten the mood.

I guess one of my biggest issues is that I constantly feel like I can't say I have PTSD. Even though I know I have it. I feel like it is selfish of me to say I have it when my life was not threatened. I've been in therapy since last summer specifically for PTSD, so I guess I can no longer deny it either.

Really I'm just looking for someone.. who at least kind of went through what I went through.

I'm 26 and have been dealing with an event from 8 years ago. It's kind of a complex scenario but I guess I can put it.. in an equation? Until I'm ready to fully vomit anyway.

(band teacher/father figure/bully + me/genetic depression/isolated student) x four years of hard work
= difficult choice to quit band
= traumatic verbal assault x peers who also viewed teacher as father figure
=isolation and blatant ignoring of what happened.

........I guess just... did anyone have someone turn on them so suddenly and heartlessly that it f*cked them up this bad? Or after the event, no one talked about the event at all?

I have a million questions as well but this is an intro so it's not the place... but i gotta know if you guys exist. I cannot find this in google.

...........On a lighter note, I have support in real life. I just want to find somebody who has gone through something like this just so I can know they exist.

 

[rightkindofme]

I don't want to read and say nothing, but no I can't relate. I hope someone here can. Welcome to the forum.

 

[illusionist]

Welcome!

 

[Friday]

The reason you're having difficulty finding anything in Google in regards to PTSD is that there are actually several disorders & conditions under the heading of 'Trauma' ... And PTSD is just one, that does -in fact- require exposure to life threatening situations.

Criterion A: stressor
The person was exposed to: death, threatened death, actual or threatened serious injury, or actual or threatened sexual violence, as follows: (one required)

1. Direct exposure.
2. Witnessing, in person.
3. Indirectly, by learning that a close relative or close friend was exposed to trauma. If the event involved actual or threatened death, it must have been violent or accidental.
4. Repeated or extreme indirect exposure to aversive details of the event(s), usually in the course of professional duties (e.g., first responders, collecting body parts; professionals repeatedly exposed to details of child abuse). This does not include indirect non-professional exposure through electronic media, television, movies, or pictures.

- From the DSM-V

The symptoms of PTSD are not unique to the disorder. One finds panic attacks, nightmares, intrusive memories, etc. in many disorders. If there is no Criterion A stressor? Then it isn't PTSD. It's something else. Do you have Criterion A stressor(s) in your life?

 

[pancake_platter]

Those four examples of stressors. No.

But my therapist has never told me that it wasn't ptsd. For four years I was terrified of my hometown at the chance I would see him or any of my peers. Hell, I visited Boston and had a panic attack because we were on a street with his name. I broke down. A lot. I latched on that fear to any authority figure I respected. If someone in that position ever expressed that thy were discontent with me, I would be hurled into a massive panic attack.

I don't want to fight over a title though..

 

[Chava]

If someone in that position ever expressed that thy were discontent with me, I would be hurled into a massive panic attack.

I don't know your story, but when I read this just wondered if it might be something else...or like your good-then-bad connection with your band teacher just triggered something. Either something else, like the depression...or even a situation that triggered earlier stuff. ? In any case, those years are just tricky because many beliefs about the world and others are working to solidify. It can be tricky to unravel if our models into adulthood are so terrible.

Panic attacks are also sadly common outside of PTSD. Are you working on that in therapy? Glad you're able to process some of the bad feelings and anxiety that you have at present.

Sorry your band teacher was a dick. Some people abuse their authority to spew their anger all over others. I'm a musician too. I relate to the horrible feelings of having to give up something you enjoy and have worked so hard at. I had to quit one of my major performing gigs because of injury that is separate from chronic pain and totally work-related (not part of my trauma, but the loss has been very difficult for me). Probably you also felt like you had to sacrifice part of your self and those are hard feelings of loss to move beyond...and also that you'd probably be left with the bad memories more than the good ones and all the work you put into it.

 

[pancake_platter]

The panic attacks have come and go whenever. Right now they are gone and I'm doing much better. just feeling alone with it. My therapist and I have dug furiously through my past, but I haven't had anything even close to the event. My family is great. Aside from illness, my childhood was great. I had a great relationship with my band teacher until the day I told him I had to leave. I expected some kind of disappointing closure. Not what happened.

 

[illusionist]

So you had one traumatic verbal assault?

 

[Sighs]

No-one is trying to fight over a title. The fact is that if you do not have a Cri A trauma by definition you cannot have PTSD. You may have depression, anxiety, bi-polar, borderline personality disorder, psychotic episodes or any number of other mental health issues. Treatment for those conditions is different to treatment for PTSD.

You say:

Those four examples of stressors. No.

They are not examples. They are part of Cri A. Without Cri A you cannot be diagnosed with PTSD.

I don't understand what you mean by

But my therapist has never told me that it wasn't ptsd

He/she probably has also never told you that it wasn't because you are in fact a fictional character in a movie not a real person.

I'm sorry you had a horrible experience and I'm sorry that it has had such an effect on your life. I'm not telling to harden up and get over it. I'm saying it isn't PTSD and you and your therapist should continue to work on what it is so that you can get effective treatment.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I had a disappointing experience with an orchestra conductor who point blank told me I needed to buy a new flute if I wanted to be in his orchestra m. I had no money, so I gave it up and still regret that my parents wouldn't help me buy a better instrument after they had got my sister a very good violin and a trombone for my brother. I felt rejected and abandoned and was also pissed off at the conductor for not leading me to people that could help me upgrade my flute.

Feelings of abandonment and lack of validation stung but they didn't cause PTSD. Life sucks sometimes.

 

[pancake_platter]

He went from a supporting figure to a sudden turn on dime telling me I was selfish, I'll quit everything I'll ever do in life, including my children, and after I finally gave up on defending myself i broke down so hard that I physically couldn't do anything but sob into hyperventilation for ten minutes as he sat not three feet away and acted if I wasn't there. He eventually called for a friend of mine to escort me out and then everyone went on their everyday discussion like it didn't happen. My at the time therapist, parents,and head school councilors knew what he did was completely out of line and took action, but all of my peers and everyone I knew for my whole education just didn't want to acknowledge it because they respected him too much.

My therapist is literally treating me for PTSD is what I'm saying. The word keeps coming up and he's not denying it.

 

[still_i_rise]

On what basis is your therapist for PTSD? Have you been properly evaluated?

PTSD is not just a 'title'. It's a medical condition that encompasses specific criteria.
It would be like any physical ailment that requires proper assessment in order to best provide the proper treatment. You wouldn't speculated that you might have cancer and then go for chemo.