I don't know how to ask for what i want/need

[anonymous]

Yes, I suppose this is sort of an odd thing to post anonymously, but I am feeling quite exposed. I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to handle any of the responses at this point.

I don't know how to ask for things that I want or need. That is, from friends, family, personal relationships, etc. I have difficulties in professional relationships as well (ie doctors, therapists, anyone I pay to do a service for me) but it is somehow easier because I am paying them I suppose and that is their job.

I know how to inadvertently get what I want/need. If I want to feel loved or need attention, I just throw on the charm. If I want sexual attention, I know how to get that, too. But, its only good up until a point. Then the frustration sets in and I resort to other means. People say that I throw tantrums. So sad, I am an adult and I throw tantrums. It worked when I was two, and in the absence of learning how to get my wants/needs met in other ways, the tantrum thing sort of stuck. For the most part I make sure that I can take care of all my own wants/needs. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for everything.

I can't ask.

I can't deal with the rejection of being told "no." I can't deal with being fed lip service and being told "yes" when it really means "no." But most of all, I don't think that I deserve anything from anyone else. (This is why its easier to deal with professionals, I am PAYING them to give me what I want. I'm not getting something out of the goodness of anyone's heart or because they actually care. Its a commodity market and in a commodity market, I can get anything I want if I have the means to pay for it.) I feel extremely selfish asking anyone for anything. Yes, ANYTHING, no matter how small or insignificant. I feel like I am a burden on people. I feel like I have no right to weigh them down with requests when I should be taking care of anything and everything myself.

But, you can't pay for love.

Its not that I don't try to ask at all, because I do venture out of my shell when I'm (rarely) feeling brave. Recent example. I have been wanting to spend more time with someone. Ok, time PERIOD as in I haven't spent any time at all with them as of late. I expressed my desire to this person and was repeatedly told "ok, but I'm busy this week, how about this weekend?" and then "Sorry, I'm busy tonight, how about tomorrow?" and then "today isn't good either, I ran out of time". This happened over and over during a few week period. So I get frustrated and the inevitable tantrum ensues. He finally agreed to spend time with me but I then realized I didn't want it that way....he agreed just to shut me up so I wouldn't be upset.

I just now got off the phone with someone else. I realized that another big part of it is that I LITERALLY cannot speak at times. My mind just shuts down. I cannot verbalize anything. I just want to run and hide. I want to throw things and break them. Instead of talking things through with people, I just walk away. There is no problem solving. There is no working things out. I have no right to ask for anything. I have no right for anyone's forgiveness. I have no right. I don't deserve anything. I can't speak.

I try to get my needs/wants met. It works at first until it doesn't. When it doesn't, I get frustrated. I can't speak. I can't speak. I can't speak. Once in a blue moon, I reach out and end up getting shut down. I return to 'can't speak' mode pretty quickly.

Its destroying a lot in my life right now.

I don't know where this thread is going. I was hit by a flashback half way through and lost my way. Thanks for reading.

 

[darrenS]

but I am feeling quite exposed. I'm not even sure I'm going to be able to handle any of the responses at this point.

I find this comment interesting because it makes me wonder whether you putting this out there to actually be rejected ? and you made some very valid points - do you base your personal value on others reactions towards you ? There are several different points in this post and in all honesty they are therapy issues - are you in therapy ?

Also im loathe to say anything else as you stated you was hit by a flashback whilst writing this , which in simple terms tells me this is a issue that really needs professional support , the only other suggestion i have , is to try group therapy , as this will give you a chance to start expressing your needs in a therapeutic setting, that is both safe and supportive. It also allows you to deal with certain issues that affect your relationships with people and again in a safe supportive environment

 

[anonymous]

@darrenS

Unfortunately, yes, I do base my personal value on how others treat me, how others react to me, etc. I have horrible "mommy issues" and I know that's where all of this comes from. If mommy reacted favorably, she loved me; if mommy was mad, she hated me. My entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells. Unfortunately its taking me quite a long time to un-learn all of that.

I'm not in therapy because therapy is not an option for me at this time. I wasn't hit by a flashback because I was writing that.....I was hit by a flashback because I received a phone call in the middle of writing that post.

 

[holdenmonty]

anonymous. I don't know if it goes back to my childhood or anything but I have similar things. I was a shy and quiet kid growing up but I was loved and had a pretty good childhood. But when I was deployed things that needed to get done got done needs were met. But when I got back and my place was broken into I felt like I was all alone and nobody cared so I just clamed up and stoped communicating. I have never been good at communicating but it has been even tougher. I have a hard time asking my wife for a hug. I have a hard time asking for help and I have a hard time saying no.

 

[sun seeker]

It sounds like it is a childlike part of you that is needing love and attention. That's a valid thing. If you didn't get it then, you're left with an empty pit inside, and it hurts.

I'm wondering about the tantrums as a strategy to get what you need though. It sounds like they aren't working very well and I wonder whether you could find a way of scaling them back. What immediately comes to mind is DBT for emotional regulation and social skills. There are workbooks you can use, and some you can find online for free.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Take baby steps in this process of unlearning and relearning ok?

You sound like you already know what you need but you do not seem to have trust in yourself or others. I could be way off base and for that I am so sorry, just toss it.

There was a time in my adult life when I did not know what I needed or wanted and so many years later I am just now discovering how much better I feel when I meet my own needs small or large. I am learning to ask others for help and it is a educational experience with mostly positive outcomes.

Having really good boundries with others helps so much as well.

It sounds like you are at the breaking point in your life.

Anger and rage are not good and they are a personal choice, I believe. I took an anger management class and I learned so much. I am not so over reactive anymore but I still do have my bad days.

I think you are very brave and courageous for putting yourself out there and I wish you well. Journaling has helped me to learn how to think things out and I get better results sometimes and sometimes not. Being patient is a hard one for me, but an expectation is a premeditated resentment which fuels the anger.

Just take baby steps and go slow with this one. I wish you the very best in overcoming these problems for yourself and others. It does get better with hard work and effort and there are are many fine books that are available to research this problem.