I'm not really sure if I should be here, or somewhere for general dating advice, but I like the positive advice I've seen in other posts so I'll give it a shot.
A little over a month ago, I was at a bar with some friends and met a Marine. Pretty quick into our conversation, he mentioned he might have to go back overseas, this would be his 5th deployment, and if he went he didn't want to come back this time. Now I never even knew anybody that was deployed, I know nothing about military life, or PTSD until recently, so I figured he was crazy and started devising an escape plan. But as the night went on, I started to feel bad for him and also felt a sense of comfort with him. We ended up having a great night together, and also spent the next together as well.
Over the next couple days, we were texting and calling regularly. But I could tell this wasn't going to be a typical dating situation. He complimented me all the time, said all the standard cute stuff, but it always ended with a negative. Like what he was feeling made him nervous, and he didn't like it, and he could see this getting out of hand. I couldn't relate. I just replied it's a good feeling, i don't know what you're talking about?
He also told me that he was currently separated, with kids. They have been together since high school (he's 27), she doesn't work and he financially supports all of them.
About a week after our first night together, he found out that he had to go to some kind of training camp. From what he told me up until this point, it sounds like his PTSD was very bad when he was deployed the previous times. He even told me about a suicide attempt. He got treatment and was living a "normal" life for 3 years or so. When he left to go to this training place, things really began to change. The first week was nothing drastic. He called me when he was able to, sounded kind of depressed and just wanted to go home. He even opened up about some of the things that were bothering him, his war experiences, and his injuries. I never asked, just listened. It seemed like it helped him. Then he would be "in the field"...I don't really know what that means...then the calls pretty much stopped.
When he got home a couple weeks later, he visited me the following day. It definitely wasn't the same guy I met. He was on edge, couldn't sit still, jumpy as hell. He took me out with some of his friends. Continued to not sit still, was obnoxious and barely talking to me, then ended up sitting by himself and not talking to anybody. I left that night pretty mad. I texted him and said maybe we shouldn't even talk anymore, and kind of flipped out because I have a bad temper. He was very apologetic and said he was being fake because the anxiety he was experiencing was too much to handle, and he was going to the VA that morning to get back on anxiety meds. He also said that being back in that military environment makes him push people away, gives him like a hardened mentality, and basically that I would be better off dating someone else. He's also said its hard to love someone when you hate yourself.
Couple more weeks go by, and still barely any texts. Like many other posts I've read, I thought he was blowing me off. But he assured me that wasn't the case, and told me to look up PTSD so I can try to understand what's going on with him, which is how I ended up here. So I've definitely been more patient and let him come to me.
There's still a lingering possibility that he might get sent somewhere but the fact that they haven't called him yet is a good sign? Thats what he said.
The PTSD I think I can handle. He acknowledges it and is trying to get better. The situation with the mother of his children, I think, would be the bigger battle. From the beginning, he told me they were extremely close. They do everything together, they're basically a family, except they don't sleep or live together. He's told me he feels like he owes her for all he put her through during his previous deployments. He gets extremely upset when they fight. He doesn't feel like they're even "friends" anymore and I can tell that hurts him. I never asked if his intention was to get divorced, but it doesn't really seem that way. I kind of don't want to ask. I get that they have been through a lot together and she knows him better than anyone, but I don't want to be competing.
PTSD aside, it seems like he would be emotionally unavailable because he's so attached to her. I suggested me visiting him this coming weekend, and he said maybe....him, her, and the kids have plans to go somewhere out of town but if they continue not getting along he isn't going to go. I guess Im just wondering how any of you would proceed? Should I even bother? I'd rather end it now before I get too wrapped up in feelings and he ends up going back to her. I really like him, and that doesn't happen a lot with me. There was something special about him...it just seems like all the other circumstances are making it way too complicated.
Thanks for reading :)
A little over a month ago, I was at a bar with some friends and met a Marine. Pretty quick into our conversation, he mentioned he might have to go back overseas, this would be his 5th deployment, and if he went he didn't want to come back this time. Now I never even knew anybody that was deployed, I know nothing about military life, or PTSD until recently, so I figured he was crazy and started devising an escape plan. But as the night went on, I started to feel bad for him and also felt a sense of comfort with him. We ended up having a great night together, and also spent the next together as well.
Over the next couple days, we were texting and calling regularly. But I could tell this wasn't going to be a typical dating situation. He complimented me all the time, said all the standard cute stuff, but it always ended with a negative. Like what he was feeling made him nervous, and he didn't like it, and he could see this getting out of hand. I couldn't relate. I just replied it's a good feeling, i don't know what you're talking about?
He also told me that he was currently separated, with kids. They have been together since high school (he's 27), she doesn't work and he financially supports all of them.
About a week after our first night together, he found out that he had to go to some kind of training camp. From what he told me up until this point, it sounds like his PTSD was very bad when he was deployed the previous times. He even told me about a suicide attempt. He got treatment and was living a "normal" life for 3 years or so. When he left to go to this training place, things really began to change. The first week was nothing drastic. He called me when he was able to, sounded kind of depressed and just wanted to go home. He even opened up about some of the things that were bothering him, his war experiences, and his injuries. I never asked, just listened. It seemed like it helped him. Then he would be "in the field"...I don't really know what that means...then the calls pretty much stopped.
When he got home a couple weeks later, he visited me the following day. It definitely wasn't the same guy I met. He was on edge, couldn't sit still, jumpy as hell. He took me out with some of his friends. Continued to not sit still, was obnoxious and barely talking to me, then ended up sitting by himself and not talking to anybody. I left that night pretty mad. I texted him and said maybe we shouldn't even talk anymore, and kind of flipped out because I have a bad temper. He was very apologetic and said he was being fake because the anxiety he was experiencing was too much to handle, and he was going to the VA that morning to get back on anxiety meds. He also said that being back in that military environment makes him push people away, gives him like a hardened mentality, and basically that I would be better off dating someone else. He's also said its hard to love someone when you hate yourself.
Couple more weeks go by, and still barely any texts. Like many other posts I've read, I thought he was blowing me off. But he assured me that wasn't the case, and told me to look up PTSD so I can try to understand what's going on with him, which is how I ended up here. So I've definitely been more patient and let him come to me.
There's still a lingering possibility that he might get sent somewhere but the fact that they haven't called him yet is a good sign? Thats what he said.
The PTSD I think I can handle. He acknowledges it and is trying to get better. The situation with the mother of his children, I think, would be the bigger battle. From the beginning, he told me they were extremely close. They do everything together, they're basically a family, except they don't sleep or live together. He's told me he feels like he owes her for all he put her through during his previous deployments. He gets extremely upset when they fight. He doesn't feel like they're even "friends" anymore and I can tell that hurts him. I never asked if his intention was to get divorced, but it doesn't really seem that way. I kind of don't want to ask. I get that they have been through a lot together and she knows him better than anyone, but I don't want to be competing.
PTSD aside, it seems like he would be emotionally unavailable because he's so attached to her. I suggested me visiting him this coming weekend, and he said maybe....him, her, and the kids have plans to go somewhere out of town but if they continue not getting along he isn't going to go. I guess Im just wondering how any of you would proceed? Should I even bother? I'd rather end it now before I get too wrapped up in feelings and he ends up going back to her. I really like him, and that doesn't happen a lot with me. There was something special about him...it just seems like all the other circumstances are making it way too complicated.
Thanks for reading :)
