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- #25
I fear this is very true, and thank you @Valentino. No, you are not over analysing or causing more emotional pain. Your post is correct. The separation anxiety is so bad right now that I can't even leave someone's house (that I am visiting) without suffering that anxiety in a very real way. I get crazy panic attacks even if I am leaving and coming back within a short space of time.
I think it was retriggered by my situation in CA. In hospital here, I had been assured I was going back to CA. Then getting a 'HAHAHAHAHA, YOU aren't coming back' was soul crushing. It was the laughing. He knew he was hanging me out to dry. He knew I would be totally helpless here. 3 months later he still refuses to send my winter coat to me. I didn't see this, my friends didn't see it. How do I end up with people like this????
Yes, and I had been moved 20 times by the time I was 2. I am certain that self is highly activated right now.
I call it 'being hit out of left field'. Then on the opposite end I am extremely triggered by houses (being inside). It is exhausting. Absolutely exhausting. It is no wonder I freeze up through this stuff.
Yes. Before, my reactions were more abstract but way more deadly. I am finding that this EP is no longer wandering outside looking for a place to hide, regardless of the elements. I am not certain what has changed. She is obviously (given the first post) angry beyond belief, frustrated, out of control.
Actually, I think maybe it is another EP kicking in. Interestingly, the way I escaped my adopted mother's place when I was 17 was by use of the car. I couldn't leave at 16 because she wouldn't let me get my license. The moment I had my own car I was out! Free! It is very possible that the combination of my housing and car issues are triggering the teenaged EP who was enraged at her situation. Come to think of it, my reactions to the car dying all the time are very similar to my reaction to my mother when I was 16 when she refused to let me get my license. I was incensed. I had planned my escape for years and it all hinged on a car.
The housing EP's reactions are usually one of being frozen. I think she plays that out by 'going where she is told', just like she did when the CAS used to come and get her. She doesn't believe that she can make stability, doesn't know how. Reading my documentation, whenever they used to move me I would cry inconsolably, eventually dropping myself into failure to thrive. My final move from my birth parents had me with jaundice, and huge digestive problems, close to rickets. I can't help but think that this physical problem of mine is closely bound to back then.
Interesting thought, but It is perhaps the car dying all of the time that is keeping me seated in the angry and frustrated EP rather than my 2 year old failure to thrive EP. This car issue may well be what is keeping me 'off the streets', so to speak. So then, if that is the case, my 17 year old EP is, in fact, keeping me alive through this. Interesting.
There is and unfortunately I am so unequipped to think my way through it. My largest and most self destructive belief is that there is no escape from it. Because there wasn't. I can't seem to think my way through that one.
I so wish I knew the answer to this. I think, first and foremost, I need to figure out this pancreas thing. I should know in a couple of weeks what is up with that. Last night it was acting up like crazy. I still can't help but wonder what role this physical issue has in all of this. I thank you so much for your ever so kind words. I have to say that I trust all of the words and intentions that were brought out here in this post and in others that have had this content when I have melted down.
Interestingly enough, I was negating everything you said. Willing to ask is good? Nope. You (me, not you, Sun) are weak, spineless, idiotic, so on and so on and so on and the list goes on for each beautiful thing you said. My inner critic is screaming me out of trusting myself. 'You are an idiot to think you can figure this out. You are a moron for even trying....just wander outside, curl up and die'. I defaulted this this after my raging anger. Anyways, you guys know the drill of the inner critic. Thing is, my inner critic has been silent for so long that it becomes really loud and I notice the difference profoundly! Just so you all know, if you don't already, your inner critic is that obnoxious drunken boor at the party who will do everything, including stripping, to get other's attention. It truly is a lying, attention seeker, self destructive, devil. My inner critic tries to be the life of the party but so isn't. I learned that yesterday.
I used NLP to ground myself enough that the inner critic was silenced enough that I could move. NLP is good for me because it feels like a combination of CBT and body work (empowering stance). Body work is very important for me as I take on a set of body poses that are unique to the EP I am in at the time. My friend came over unexpectedly (so I couldn't tell him not to come), he knows me. He put a charger on my car, and asked me if I wanted to go get a Timmy's. Once I was away from the house, from the worries, he asked me if I would go with him to the Wednesday night meeting. He's smart. He asked if I would go 'for him'. I wouldn't say no to that and he knew it. Last night was enough of a distraction that all of this isn't quite so raw. He also took the bags and boxes that were in the car, he knows they are triggering for me.
Not even for just being me???? That thought comes to mind when I read this. *heavy sigh*. I have work to do on me today.
I so agree, and so many thanks to each of you for helping me yesterday. You really helped me to ground, to be connected, to feel worthy. I went on and on with this post, not certain if I should, but thought it was worthwhile documenting the 'process' of coming back around, in case it helps someone along the way. If it doesn't, I am so sorry for the boring read. Love and hugs to each of you. I thank you so very much for all that you are.
I will stay in touch.
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