I Could Never Understand Suicide Hotlines?!

[Neverthesame]

I cannot remember where I read it, or who said it.

This person had said that when someone reaches the point where suicide is the only option left in their minds. The thought process is identical to someone who is hanging out of a window a very tall building which is on fire. This person has two choices left, stay where they are and suffer a horrible burning death. Or jump out of window to a horrible quick death.

I have been asked by therapists and doctors over the years what stops me, why I don't end it. I have said cited several reasons. Whilst I
was not lying, per sé. I don't really know what the exact reason is. I suppose I shouldn't question it, for it may not hold up to scrutiny.

I believe this is why I have not phoned a hotline, when I am feeling near my breaking point. I suppose I have a fear that I simply may discover that I have no reason, at least not one I will believe. Bad timing that would be.

 

[anthony]

I wouldn't worry too much... many people don't use them... many do. It's a personal choice, not a right versus wrong choice, IMHO.

 

[reallydown]

Ideation. That's when I've used them (only a few times and once was actually for advice for a friend who was suicidal and had attempted before)...I would never actually call one (we have some that do online chats)...I can't say it saved my life because had I absolutely decided on it, I would've just gone out and done it but I can't say it didn't help on some level either...Granted, I always tell them I'm doing better than I really am because I'm scared of going to the hospital...Anyway, I can see how it could be helpful for some people.

 

[Smile]

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not putting these hotlines down in the slightest. The mere fact that they are able to help a human being feel better for however small amount of time, that is golden.

@anthony , when you mention that your reason for not doing it is because of the impact it will have on your loved ones... That's always been one of my strongest arguments in my own mind. But lately I've gotten into the mindset of "even in death I must think of everyone else??? When do I get to care for me?"

I know it's a horrible pain to leave your living loved ones with but... To live my life out as a shell of a person just so as to not cause them the pain... That seems like an ultimate sacrifice that I'm not sure is even fair to ask of someone

 

[anthony]

When do I get to care for me?

The problem is, that logic isn't sound, in that it does not equate. By killing yourself, how is that "caring" for you? Caring for yourself would be to seek help, ask for help, admit yourself to a hospital if you felt required, in order to "care" for yourself as to not traumatise others.

That is how I view it... but that is just my opinion and thoughts. Even at my darkest moments, I could not assimilate caring for myself to cause harm to those who love me by their own choice.

 

[Smile]

The problem is, that logic isn't sound, in that it does not equate. By killing yourself, how is that "caring" for you? Caring for yourself would be to seek help, ask for help, admit yourself to a hospital if you felt required, in order to "care" for yourself as to not traumatise others.

It seems as though the logic is not sound to you because you belief there is a "cure". I suppose that's the main difference in our thought process. I have done all I can/know to help myself. Looking at it from an unemotional viewpoint, I dont see myself ever being fixed. The only thing left I haven't tried is... Death. Which is why I call it caring for myself

 

[Queen Boudica]

I think I feel like Anthony. I could never do that to the ones I love. And I have kids. And I have also suffered the effects of my sister suiciding. And the guilt is always there for me. It will never go. I could never do that to my kids. And sometimes I do think it, oh so much. And sometimes I think, when they are grown, but NO, they are my children and it would destroy them. And I know what that feels like. If you have family and friends who care, you cannot do that. Who are we, but our family and our friends are a part of that. We are not isolation. Every action we take affects others. There is no such thing as just look after yourself. That is how society is going, just look after yourself. That is why a lot of us are depressed in my opinion.

And it has nothing to do with thinking there is a cure. I know there isn't. I know I will go through some terrible downs where I want to die. But I could never put that on my children. Because I know those downs. I know what hell it is. How could I do that to them? I would perpetuate the cycle.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Smile, I am a bit confused.....are you saying that @anthony believes in a cure for PTSD? I don't want to put words in his mouth, but based on all that I've read, this is not the impression that I get from him.

I don't believe in a cure, either! But, that doesn't mean I'm not going to continue to fight like hell to get better. I have gotten better over the last 6 years and am in a better place than I ever could have expected. I've got many miles to go still, and I don't think I'll ever be to the point of being completely cured. I hope to enjoy periods of full remission, and I hope to get to a point where I diagnostically don't qualify for the PTSD label. That doesn't mean I expect to be completely free of all PTS symptoms, but if I lose a few of those symptoms, I will no longer qualify for the full diagnosis. Ahh, that would be so great!

 

[anthony]

It seems as though the logic is not sound to you because you belief there is a "cure".

Incorrect. There is no cure for PTSD, that is fact. Ask me what I believe, and I will tell you. Again, your logic about knowing what I believe is flawed, thus another example highlighting your thought process right now isn't sound. I'm not trying to offend you, but what you're saying is full of cognitive bias.

I have done all I can/know to help myself.

How so? What have you done? You must be better than me then, because I have tried a whole lot of stuff for PTSD, and there is no way I have done all I can. There is far more to try, to learn, to experience, and I've only been at this for 11 years. More cognitive bias. You think you've done everything you can, except death. I do not believe you're that motivated and knowledgable of PTSD, to have tried everything out there, where death is the only thing left.

I dont see myself ever being fixed.

This is your personal belief, however; is it really rational? Right now you don't see yourself ever being fixed, BUT, in two years time you could be far less symptomatic, thus your belief then will be different to now, thus you will have proven to yourself that your thinking now is irrational.

That is the trick to this. You have to do, really put yourself into one small thing at a time, then suddenly they start adding up into larger aspects of recovery, compounding good days versus bad, and it continues over the years as you keep working on yourself.

I'm honestly not trying to have a go at you, but to help you see your own irrational thinking right now. Please answer the above questions, and that may just help you understand that your logic is flawed. I cannot tell you, you have to see it for yourself, and you will, by answering my questions. When you write it out, and acknowledge that you haven't tried everything at all, you will see that your current mood is just that, a mood, full of irrational beliefs. The idea is to find that understanding in your logic, but you have to do it, I can only prod you in the direction through questions.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Smile,

What have you tried? What has worked for you? What hasn't worked for you? I get a bit sad when I read your post because I know there are TONS of treatment options out there. I've tried so many myself, but on the flip side, I know that there are many that I still haven't tried yet. Yes, there are the typical PTSD treatments (CBT, DBT, EMDR, exposure therapy, etc) but they aren't for everyone. Some people must reach beyond that in order to find something that truly provides lasting relief.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Do you have someone to help you @Smile? Being alone on this journey is tough. You are reaching out here. You are not alone. @Solara is right, never give up hope. Being down stops us from seeing the good. Just notice one thing good. I hope you have someone to help you through this. I don't get suicide hotlines either. I've thought about it, but someone on the end of a line who I don't know it makes me feel even more alone. (My quirkiness). To me therapy is there is someone there. Don't care what flavour. Support is the thing. And importantly people who understand, because I guess you can be surrounded by people who don't get it and you are still alone. I'm not sure about lasting relief, but times of happiness are possible and make the bad tolerable.

 

[cherryblossom]

When do I get to care for me?"

I know it's a horrible pain to leave your living loved ones with but... To live my life out as a shell of a person just so as to not cause them the pain... That seems like an ultimate sacrifice that I'm not sure is even fair to ask of someone

I totally 'get' what you're saying @Smile

I think the same thoughts, why should I go through complete hell and misery, just to keep a few people happy? Surely how I feel should count for something?

I also agree with @anthony , that I haven't tried everything possible to improve my situation, but trying things generally costs money, which I don't have, so I just end up in a downward spiral. I can't even afford therapy, when I need it.

But, to get back to the original question, I don't think suicide hotlines are there for the very small minority of people who have 100% made their decision and are 100% going to go ahead with it. The hotlines are there for those of us in distress, when no-one else is around to listen. When all we think about is killing ourselves, and perhaps we have a half-baked plan, or we've even tried to start the process. They're there for those of us who aren't 100%, but are really distressed, and upset, and seriously considering it.

I have called Samaritans numerous times in the past. When it's 2am, and you really don't know what else to do with yourself, they can be helpful. Not always, it does depend on who you speak to. But, I know I get to a stage where I'm likely to do something stupid, that probably won't have the desired effect of killing me, but all rational thoughts are out of the window, they can help to sort out your thoughts.

So suicide hotlines are useful for me, when it's the middle of the night, and I'm deeply distressed, when I can't face the next minute, or hour, or day alone with my thoughts that make me want to die. And the thoughts that make me seriously consider it. I suppose they are my last resort, of 'reaching out' for help.

I don't want to be here. It seems unfair to me that I feel I have to stick around, because if I don't, other people will be upset. That's a heavy burden. But also I don't want to end up in a worse situation than I am now.

But it is definitely hellish living a thoroughly miserable life, just so other people don't have to go through grief.