Sufferer Ptsd From Both Childhood Abuse And Adult Sexual Assult

[beancat]

I have had PTSD disorder basically my whole life but didn't really know it until recently. It started with abuse from both parents, but primarily my mother. It was both emotional and physical. The extend of it is all over the board, but here's a good example of how bad it could get: when I was 9 or so, evidently my hygiene standards were bad because my mother stripped me naked, threw hard into the shower of scalding hot water and beat me with a towel and her hands and told me over and over again how badly I smelled. I have no clue to this day what instigated this or other events like it, but I still hurt so badly from it and I'm 30. Then, almost 2 years ago, I went on a bad date. The guy took me camping, but instead of camping in the normal area, surrounded by people, he took me to an area accessible by four wheel drive miles from anyone (so no one could hear me scream and I couldn't run away, I'm guessing). He proceeded to choke me with his forearm. For HOURS is was in the verge of passing out, pinned down and had sex forced on me without anyway to get him to stop. Physically, I couldn't stop him because I was much smaller than him and also, by being choked I couldn't physically function well or even speak. I was too scared to fight back or speak up because I honestly believed he could have killed me and got away with it there if I did. The horrible thing is, I now regret not fighting back and wish he did just kill me on many days. For 1.5 years I felt nothing, but somehow the pendulum has swung and I'm depressed, angry, lonely and suicidal. Please, if anyone has been here and made it through, help me find hope because I have lost all of my fight.

 

[desiderata310]

Went through that for for many years at the hand of my ex.
I'm STILL trying.
It gets better and worse and better again.
If you don't have a therapist, get one.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi beancat, and welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry for all that you've endured.

I haven't experienced the same nature of the traumas that you have, but I have been able to come a long way in my own healing. I guess what I am trying to say is to never give up hope. Healing is indeed very difficult, but if you keep working at it, things WILL get better. It sometimes takes awhile to find the right therapist for you, the right kinds of treatment that help you the most, the right psychiatrist, and the right medications (if you choose to go that route.)

I encourage you to reach out for support here on the forum. I have found this place to be one of the strongest "supporters" to me over the years.

Again, welcome!

 

[rightkindofme]

Welcome, you aren't alone in being assaulted. My history is different in specifics because life is like that but I have similar stories.

I have bad days. I've been in therapy for 30+ years and counting. I have days where the suicidal ideation is so intense I can barely see the people in the room with me. I'm married and I have two great kids. I'm doing *Exactly* what I want to be doing with my life... and I still struggle.

It's hard. Therapy is your friend.

 

[Chava]

Welcome! You can get through this. I relate to abusive mom (I was a common target for her breaking things or hitting) and assault in adulthood. You don't have to justify not fighting hard enough. In your situation, like many, your body probably well understood that survival meant not trying to fight this person alone in an isolated area (I was in a similar scenario and also beat myself up for not fighting hard enough). I was too ashamed to even ask for help for many years, but often wish I would have had the courage to seek appropriate help sooner. It's great you found this forum. Are you in therapy?

 

[beancat]

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I am sorry for all of the experiences that brought you here and hope the best for all of you! I am in therapy, but the type, rapid resolution, isn't working for me. I need to talk and tell my story, so I found someone who does BCT, which I think will help more.

 

[beancat]

Also, if anyone has advice about how better to control my emotions with loved ones, that would be great. I bottle everything up and hurt and lash out at my boyfriend, who in turn winds up hurt and confused. I know journaling and mediation and stuff helps me, but go to school and work full time and burn out so easily these days. Any advice on how to squeeze self care into a busy schedule would be great.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi again,

I am not sure what you mean by rapid resolution therapy? I've heard of all sorts of therapy for PTSD, and dare I say, anything with the term "rapid" in its title is most likely not the type of therapy you want to do for trauma. I strongly urge you to seek out a trauma therapist who can help you work through this. We didn't develop these symptoms overnight, so its reasonable to think that getting through its effects and healing will indeed take time.

I think that you can start by not bottling things up. If you feel sad, FEEL sad. If you feel angry, FEEL angry. Allow yourself to actually FEEL. That doesn't mean you should take out your emotions on other people, but yes, feeling is good.....its only what we can do with those feelings that is potentially bad (ie harming our loved ones).

What is BCT? I've never heard of that, either.

 

[beancat]

Rapid resolution seemed to me to be a type of hypnosis. It was very odd and if I only had maybe one major issue, I think it might have helped. Sorry, I meant cognitive behavioral therapy, I get the letters mixed up always!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I know some people have had success with hypnosis, but I think it can cause issues for other PTSD sufferers. I don't doubt that it can have benefits for some people, but on the other hand I don't think it is the kind of treatment that can truly get down to the core issues for us and cause lasting healing, at least not for those of us who have ongoing trauma or childhood trauma. Maybe its best as an adjunct therapy? I don't know...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok, I'm looking at www.rapidresolutiontherapy.com and I literally have a knot in my stomach. They present their treatment more as a business and the homepage has a video of someone making a presentation to a theater full of people. I think I'm a bit disturbed that this treatment is "marketed" toward those who have PTSD. To be honest, from what i can see on one page, these people have NO clue what PTSD is if they are marketing a "rapid" resolution to something as severe as PTSD. Applying treatment that is suitable for other disorders (or even non-disordered people who are just a little bit anxious or just a little bit depressed) can indeed be harmful to someone with PTSD.

I wonder if @anthony will weigh in on the rapid resolution bit?

ETA

I need to stop looking at that page. It really is making me sick to read a site that takes advantage of the human need to be fixed ASAP and promising such a quick fix. This shyster promises resolution in ONE session if you do his "rapid trauma resolution" therapy. Its a money making scheme, no more, no less. Trauma cannot be cured in one session.

 

[beancat]

Yeah, to be honest I felt like just a guinea pig the whole time. The concept was for me to start recalling a negative thought and while doing this my "therapist" would use distraction techniques to make it less harmful or something. I thought it was working at first, but then recently I have been rapidly deteriorating and I think it's because this technique doesn't allow you to tell you story, which is what I need. Yeah, I was promised to be fixed in a few two-three hour sessions. Luckily, it was through my school, so no out of pocket costs, but I am sort pissed because I don't feel like my therapist had my best interests at heart, but rather I was her master's thesis. I am going to end things with her tomorrow and I am going to find a tactful way to tell her how I feel. I really feel like she should have stepped up and said this wasn't working for me.