Time Bomb

[Kintsugi]

I have been a ticking time bomb for, I don't know, months. A long time. Maybe a year. I don't know. It's been awhile.

Last year, at the end of January, my partner's stepfather hanged himself. He was extremely close to B. He was close with both of us, in a way, but his relationship with B was really something else. They had built something slow and tedious and special together.

B is bipolar. B has been hospitalized against his will as a minor multiple times. B was kicked out of college for a semester for a manic episode gone seriously wrong (before I knew him well). B has not had professional help since his last hospitalization, close to a decade ago.

I have tried to be understanding. I've tried and tried. I've picked up all the slack. Any slack that fell, I'd get it. Anything. Job? Bills? Errands? Dogs? Cleaning? Cooking? Got it.

And this went on. At first he was working, then he quit. I was happy for him. The job wasn't helping. I got a better job. I spent every spare moment managing everything I could take on in my time outside of work. The only things I didn't do were mow the lawn (his preference to do it) and take the trash to the other side of the street every week.

Anyway, fast forward. This year, quite recently, he got two jobs. Say within the last two months for both of them. Okay. Fine. I check in with him. I tell him I think he needs to set boundaries. I tell him working seven days a week is a bad idea for his health.

He agrees, but his actions ignore me. His mental health is plummeting.

You would think two jobs might bring me financial relief. It doesn't. B is terrible with money. B is an impulse shopper and someone who self-medicates stress with marijuana. B spends almost all of his money. He makes lots of money. It never comes home. B no longer feels inclined to help with any of the things he had started to take on at home. Don't I know he works too much? B says he never has time alone, never gets to relax. He doesn't sleep enough. He doesn't have any money. He complains about these things while he spends all his income, stays out with new "friends," and agrees to take extra shifts.

I began seeing a T about a month ago. B will not get help for himself. I have to pay out of pocket for therapy. It's expensive. It's worth it. Whatever.

B takes his stress out on me. His fuse continues to get shorter.

B wanted to adopt a puppy. A puppy of a high-maintenance, high-energy breed. B tells me to get off his back when I start asking lots of questions about his commitment to time and money with a puppy. I remind him how I was with my dog after Bill died. I was on top of everything. I doubled down on all of my responsibilities while supporting him financially as well. He tells me to stop nagging him, that he didn't have to tell me what to do when I was raising my puppy. Just let him do it.

It's been a week since I went to go bring the puppy home on the only day it was feasible to do so. I dedicated my day off to errands, including bringing home and carefully managing the puppy. I built the puppy a confinement area. I took the puppy out every hour. I played with the puppy. In the past week, his behavior has not changed a bit, and I am feeling unsurprised. He still has supposedly no money, no time, and works too much, in spite of making poor financial decisions, spending time out with new friends, and volunteering to work extra time.

Meanwhile, I am doubling down. I am not only managing my dogs; I am taking time out to have special training sessions with his chihuahua. See, I washed my hands of that dog, decided it was his thing to deal with, and the chihuahua is a disaster. I should have just done it for him. So I'm doing it for him now. I am broadening my training knowledge. I've read one and a half books and watched hours upon hours of footage of trainers working with various issues. I spend every moment I can working with the puppy. I spent all Saturday working with her, trying to socialize her. I went hunting for people at a car show, at the park, downtown. "Will you please handle my puppy?"

Last Thursday, I say it is urgent that we have a meeting to talk the next day. He has a light schedule, and I'm off although I am throwing an event. I emphasize it is very important we speak. He agrees, but it never happens. That night, I tell him, Please tell me when we can talk. I know you're busy. We need to talk. Tell me when.

See, B needs me to make a special appointment to talk to him. He refuses to communicate through letters (probably because he sounds ridiculous on paper?), and he can't handle an impromptu heart-to-heart. I can respect that. I'm trying to do that. I'm trying to do what he needs. I am always trying to meet his needs.

"You're being a bitch," he tells me tonight, "And you have been since I got this puppy."

I say only, "I'm not being a bitch." I move on. I go to the bedroom. I write this post.

I feel like a ticking time bomb.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

You are not a bitch, but he is selfish and taking you for granted, even though he may not comprehend that.

You can't keep doing everything for him as he will just expect you to keep doing more.

People always say it on here, because it's true, but you can't help him if he won't do anything to help himself.

I don't know your circumstances, but is there any way you can take a step back? Get some space for you? What does your therapist suggest?

Hugs if you accept x

 

[The Albatross]

Simon, very sorry to read that B's impulse control issues extended to a new puppy and that, though he's working, he is using his funds away from the home. Your responsible love of canines added more to your plate and you are getting blow back from your partner that is completely inappropriate. Flip it from "Time Bomb" to "time to initiate come change"?

 

[scout86]

Is there an "Up" side to this relationship someplace? A reason to stay and work on things? Does HE actually want a relationship? Right now, the situation doesn't sound like it has much to offer to either of you.

I just had to pause and replay the tape in my head that is my T saying "People don't always want you to solve things for them, sometimes they're looking for something else."

I think @The Albatross just nailed it, as she so often does.

I don't know what's going on with him. I don't know if this behavior is something that's typical for him or not. That probably matters. There's something about the situation that resonates with me from growing up in a place where I "couldn't do anything 'right'" And maybe I'm putting a spin on it in my own mind, just because I can so easily relate to what it's like to never be "right" or "good enough" or what ever. You have standards and ideas on what's right and wrong and good and not good and you're entitled to those standards. I'm not saying you're not and I'm not saying you're wrong. If you left him to handle "his" dog his own way, in his own time, what would happen? Would the dog's life be in danger?

One thing I'm sure of, the situation as it exists now isn't sustainable and it isn't helping either of you. I'm not sure I see any "bad guys" here, just two people who are having a real hard time communicating and who are going to be miserable until they work that out or quit.

 

[Born to Run]

Yes, you bet I would be a ticking time bomb too after reading your post. Your whole post is about him and what you do to accommodate him, and you keep investing, investing in him. I don't get the impression that what you do, is even appreciated or acknowledged. This is not an equal relationship, as he only invests in himself, as you say literally he does not bring any money home. I think it is time that all that you invest in him, you start to invest in you. You deserve so much more than how you are treated and let yourself be treated by this man.

 

[Kintsugi]

@scout86 There are upsides. It's been a long relationship. When a history of ups and downs stretches behind a relationship, it's impossible to see things in a vaccuum. It will be six years this fall. We've shared a living space for almost as long.

He has seen me lump to rock bottom multiple times. When I am at my worst--low-functioning, depressed, spiteful, suicidal, sobbing every moment I am not asleep, suffering raging flashbacks--he has always been there for me. In those times, he has been selfless, giving, insightful beyond belief, with words of wisdom for my state or situation. He has seen my rock bottom again and again and rarely flinched. He supported me when I was on medication. He supported me when I visited my family for a month, then he dealt with the very messy whiplash anyone could have predicted. He has always stood in my corner against any outside criticism. He believes in me.

But I am tired. He has always struggled with mental health, and Bill dying was just... so much. B stopped using medication about a year and a half after we got together. He had a bad reaction and just quit for good. Since then, he has had a damaging attitude of, "Shut up; I can do this alone."

All of the wisdom and insight he has for me he does not share with himself. I find it difficult to confront him because of his stipulations on serious conversations.

The big issue, I think, is that he has a short fuse and always has. I have always had a long, long, long fuse. I can typically tolerate him jumping me with criticism, constructive or otherwise. He just can't take it. He becomes defensive easily, and it is difficult for him to "find his center" when I confront him. I have learned to speak calmly and carefully in a conflict. He has not. It looks like an unfair fight (in my favor). Someone is coolly speaking under pressure in a smart way, and the recipient is throwing a massive fit. It makes him look silly. I know it. He knows it. He prefers these talks by appointment only.

But he has a problem of no time being the right time. This has been an enduring problem that arises any time his stress is sitting at critical mass.

And that is the issue. His stress has been at critical mass for over a year. He has no outlet. Bill was so much to him. He has no Bill. Bill could always get to B. Bill could always reason with him. He listened to Bill. Bill was a great man, a great social worker, a great father, a great human to have in your corner.

B's mother has not been embracing the severity of the situation, maybe because she is wrapped up in the severity of her own situation. Maybe she just doesn't want to see the parade of red flags. Maybe she wants to believe they're pink. I wanted to believe they were just pink.

 

[scout86]

That helps make more sense of things.

It sounds like he needs therapy. (This is one of those things there's no way to convey online. Picture that said with irony, humor, and a bunch of other "duh" thoughts to myself because OF COURSE he needs that.)

I can understand his aversion to meds. Personally, I don't think that's always the only option and I think, even without drugs, there are other things that help. But what he's doing is "black and white thinking" isn't it? Is he IN therapy now, or did he walk away from that too? Does he see the value or potential value of it? It sounds like losing Bill was a huge loss, for all of you. (I remember you talking about him before. He sounds like an amazing person.)

All of the wisdom and insight he has for me he does not share with himself.

Doesn't that sound familiar! You've seen that from the other side too, I'll bet.

"Shut up; I can do this alone."

I guess that is a damaging attitude. You've got me thinking about how I do that myself......

But he has a problem of no time being the right time. This has been an enduring problem that arises any time his stress is sitting at critical mass.

I can really relate to THAT too. Maybe he and I don't experience this the same way, but that's the way of experiencing reality that's led me to not doing my taxes for a few years......twice. You're afraid things are going to blow up beyond your control and somehow pretending it's not there and finding ways of distracting yourself seems like a solution. (Even though you know it's not and that just adds to the stress.) If it was ME you were wanting to talk to in that situation, it would help if you began by assuring me that things were safe and that WE were going to work things out, and that there WAS a "we", and that you might be frustrated but you didn't actually hate me.... The appointment for a conversation thing is an idea I'm now wishing I'd thought of, because it sounds like a great way to avoid a conversation you don't want to have. LOL

This sounds really hard and it kind of sounds like it's his turn to have a meltdown. I suppose his mom is at the outer limits of her ability to cope too, hence the pink flags. Although he might have learned some of his "If I don't look it's not there!" coping skills from her.

This sounds difficult! It also sounds like more a "What do we do to get his some help?" situation than problems about dogs or money. Sometimes life just sucks.

 

[Kintsugi]

Well, we talked. We actually talked before I wrote the last post here, but I didn't want to update this until the dust had settled.

He agreed he was being a poo poo head and that I am never "bitchy" for no reason.

Everything went well, and I vented all the stress I've been feeling from my own life on top of the life we share together and how that has affected my ability to cope with his own challenges.

Nevertheless, as I wake this morning to basically the same challenges (I know, it hasn't been much time, but still), I realize there are things I have still not said.

First and foremost on my mind is I did not say this:

When I ask you to do something, it is because life is asking to have it done. I am not making a selfish personal request. I am taking on life's demands, and I need help, because we are in this together, and shit has to get done somehow. There are only so many demands I can handle alone, so when I ask for help, all I am doing is passing along the demands life places on our commitments to our home and pets.

Objectively, I think this was a failure to communicate on my end. Subjectively, I feel like it was

Something else I feel I should have shared is more complicated.

Way back in the day, about a year after we met, my symptoms just hit the roof. Stress levels over 9000. I was falling to pieces. I was just absolutely wrecked. We were on a three-week roadtrip with my old roommate, and on the last leg of our trip, in Colorado, right before we went to see my family in NJ, I was tearing apart at every seam. I was ridiculously depressed, suicidal, self-harming now and then, having flashbacks, could not shut up about my trauma, not sleeping, crying myself to sleep and immediately beginning to cry as soon as I woke up. I reminded myself of a baby. Crying it out when I went to sleep, instantly squaling when I awoke. I was insanely low functioning. I had terrible nightmares every night, which would last about two years.

After about eight months, B was preparing to leave for China for three months. He told me, If something doesn't change by the time I get back, I can't do this anymore.

That was right around the time I joined this site. When he left, I worked on myself. I was unemployed for the summer, living off of $75 a week, and I was just posting on here like a maniac, had my own tent set up in chat, was having phone sessions with my old T... all kinds of crap to try and better myself.

Anyway, I did change, and he did not leave me, and things improved.

After Bill died, I just held on. I felt like I owed it to him. He put up with the better part of a year of shit from me. He was there for me. He did criticize my insanity, but ultimately, he didn't waver from me. He believed in me. He knew I could improve. I felt like I had a debt to pay, and it was his time to cash it in.

Now I understand his ultimatum viscerally. Something's got to give.

 

[joeylittle]

Now I understand his ultimatum viscerally. Something's got to give.

I think this makes a ton of sense. Is it a reference point that you think would help him grasp the bigger picture of his mental health situation? Your relationship is many years along since then - so I'm not at all meaning it as simply as a 'tit-for-tat' - more of a "I understand how you felt when..." and "your honesty then helped me get to work on myself" kind of thing...

Danger would be in him hearing it as a statement of "you owe me", which could easily lead to defensiveness, sounds like.

 

[scout86]

He told me, If something doesn't change by the time I get back, I can't do this anymore.

I think it would be totally fair and reasonable to bring this up. "Remember when....? I think I finally get what you meant because that's the way I feel now." Not only is that a legitimate feeling of yours that needs attention, it's something he should be able to relate to that might make him realize that he actually IS having problems and actually DOES need to do something about it.

When I ask you to do something, it is because life is asking to have it done.

Don't yell at me for what I'm about to say, ok? (Usually I get yelled at when I venture into the territory I'm about to venture into.)

I know that YOU think life is asking to have stuff done. I totally get that. It's possible that "you" are the only person who's hearing that message..... I'm not saying stuff doesn't need to be done. I know that it does.

I grew up with a mother who had some very definite ideas on WHAT needed to be done as well as when and how it needed to be done. You don't need the back story. The thing is, a lot of the time she was kind of just creating problems. The house, in fact, did not absolutely HAVE to be vacuumed right that second instead of waiting until the movie was over, for example. And, when she asked someone else to do something, it would have been nice if she could have tolerated them doing it their own way, instead of demanding it be done her way. ("Yeah Mom, I know, your way is better, your way is always better, I get it, I just can't manage to do it that way, and what's the point of trying?")

I'm not saying you're wrong in asking for help, or that he shouldn't step up and BE more help. I'm just suggesting that you step back if you can and look at this part of it. Where does that urgency come from? How accurate is it? What really ARE the priorities? Do you have priorities you agree on? Do you each understand the other's priorities? You might decided that you've been right all along. You try hard enough and have enough insight that, if that's what you decide, I'd be willing to accept that you're probably right. My mom lacked that kind of insight and was kind of furiously wrapped up in the need for stuff being done on her time frame to her specifications. It was probably part of some kind of pathology, in her case. Maybe the issue here is less an unwillingness to help than it is a difference in your senses of urgency. I suppose maybe he's too depressed to get off his butt too......

I'm glad you talked! I wouldn't see it as any kind of failure that there's more to talk about. That's part of being in a relationship, right?

 

[Kintsugi]

@scout86 Embarrassed to say how urgent those things are. I'm talking about, "Your dog had an accident because you failed to take him out. Can you clean it up?" and "The puppy needs to go out," "I've been doing dishes/mopping/cleaning the bathroom for months."

These things make me unbearably sad on my part. My past taught me that if things needed to be taken care of, it was my responsibility to see them done without being asked. When I am unable to do everything, I feel like my best isn't good enough, and it reflects on my self-worth. I would be happy if he simply picked up his beer bottles and fast food trash and put dishes in the sink consistently.

I feel the full weight of my sadness and desperation admitting how bad it is.

 

[scout86]

"Your dog had an accident because you failed to take him out. Can you clean it up?"

In my version of reality, it's his dog and his responsibility but it also needs to be done. Not knowing him, I have no idea if he's lazy and taking advantage of you or if it's something else. My brother handled my mom in an entirely different way. A more passive aggressive way and HE would not do things until she did them for him and then he'd feel like he'd "won", I couldn't stand the nagging and did stuff while resenting it and feeling trapped because I knew that no matter what I did or how hard I tried it would never been good enough.

I also found, to my complete surprise, once I graduated from high school and got out of there, there actually were people out in the rest of the world who thought I was ok. I never went back.

Household chore assignments can be challenging. I kind of have a "thing" about vacuum cleaners, because of my mom. My house cleaning standards are pretty "relaxed". My ex was a fussier housekeeper than I am. I was more particular about fixing things outside. We had a deal that who ever was bothered by something first took care of it. He did most of the cleaning and he was good enough to run the vacuum when I wasn't around. Usually when he was vacuuming I was outside fixing fences or something. The neighbors thought it was weird, but it worked. But it worked because it worked for both of us. The 2 of you might have different standards and priorities, but you both have to live in the house, so it should be liveable for both of you. And it really DOES seem like it's only fair that you both share the work. And it especially seems like he ought to take care of his own dog. What's his point in having a dog, if he's not going to do anything with it. Does he have a reason for not picking things up or taking care of the dog?

One more thought, "Your dog had an accident, you need to clean it up." might be enough, without "because you didn't take him out". Some people might interpret that as a big of a passive aggressive dig and resent it, which might not produce a useful response from them.