How Do I Tell My Therapist About The Trauma?

[K190992]

Hi, I've recently come across this forum, and i really need some help. I've been looking online to get some ideas on how to reveal trauma for the first time. This might be a long post, but if anyone has any words i would really appreciate it.

I'm a 22 year old female, who's struggling with depression, severe general and social anxiety and anorexia. I started to struggle with anxiety and depression when i was 14 and struggled with attendance at school. I lost my friendships and i felt very alone. Once leaving school at 16, i became socially isolated and couldn't leave the house for a year because my anxiety was so severe. I've been in mental health services since the age of 17, and since have moved my life on a little bit, (i'm still quite isolated, but have been able to start studying part time, i regularly see a occupational therapist and eating disorder team) however have never felt able to engage in therapy. I have seen a therapist before, but could never be open with her. She was specialized in eating disorders so i was able to make a bit of progress to stabilize myself physically, but for years I've been in the cycle of recovery/relapse from anorexia.

(Please don't read on if triggered by talk of sexual assault)
When i was 18 and started to work on my anxiety, i started having nightmares and i started to get flashbacks. It took me until i was 18 to admit to myself what happened to me. I've never, and still no-one knows that i was sexually assaulted when i was 14. I also had an experience at 16, where a older boyfriend was emotionally abusive, and i was pressured into sexual contact which i wasn't comfortable with. I've been left with ptsd symptoms, a lack of trust in people, self harm issues and struggle with friendships and relationships. I've never had full intercourse and i am terrified of the idea of a sexual relationship, or even being around men. I was able to tell my Occupational Therapist that i experience nightmares, i told her around 3 years ago now, then last year my dietitian (ed specialist) was also aware ( I tend to relapse with my anorexia at the same times each year which is linked with trauma).

Finally at the end of last year i agreed that i need help because not dealing with the trauma is keeping me unwell and stuck (especially in my eating disorder). I started seeing a new therapist in January who is trained in eating disorders as many of my fears of weight gain is linked into what i went through. I was scared because he is male and I've never seen a male professional, however i'm surprised in that i feel comfortable talking to him in general. I have managed to talk about some of my body image issues, he's aware i struggle with the emotion of shame. He's aware i was severely bullied and I've been able to share some of those experiences. However he is aware there's an underlying trauma that no-one knows, but he doesn't push me to reveal it. The difficulty i'm having is that i don't know how to even tell him what happened to me, and i have moments where, because he is male, i get scared and feel unsafe (most the time i'm rational and know he's not going to hurt me). I've only just accepted now that i need help, and that's almost 9 years after the assault. The other difficulty is when my therapist tries to get me to speak about something difficult, i tear up, but i'm terrified of crying in front of him in case i can't stop. Lastly, because of some of the thoughts i have been able to share, i feel like my therapist / OT and Dietitian all know I've experienced some sort of sexual assault/abuse/rape. Although they don't know what's happened, they probably already know what's wrong if that makes sense? I just can't seem to tell them, i can't tell the details but i haven't even been able to say " i was sexually assaulted". So all they know is there's a underlying trauma.

I feel overwhelmed, i'm in a point in my life where i can say that i can't do this anymore, i can't carry this on my back anymore and i need help. I just don't know how to tell him. I'm scared of his reaction, i'm scared of loosing control. I'm scared of my eating disorder getting worse. If anyone could help me i would appreciate it? How did you tell someone for the first time what you went through? What happened? Did you cry? Just anything would help.

Thanks :) x

 

[anonymous]

He is a trained professional so hopefully he will be supportive of you when you disclose to him, as it seems like he has been supportive up to this point, correct? As for the ED? If the trauma is the root of the ED, the ED won't get better without dealing with the trauma. As with pretty much all trauma treatment, things get worse before they get better, so perhaps anticipate an increase with your struggle with ED? (I know that having a heads up about a spike in symptoms helps keep them from being blown sky-high.) How Did I tell my therapist? It was on a questionnaire. You could write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to him. You could text it to him. You could email it to him. All it has to say is "I was sexually assaulted" and nothing more. My guess is that he will ask you more about it, but if you just sit there in silence, he won't press you for more details immediately. As for not being able to stop crying.....its sort of impossible as you will reach a point when you run out of tears....but in all seriousness, why are you afraid of crying? It can be very therapeutic! Maybe you NEED to FEEL a bit out of control? I mean your ED is ALL about control and now you're controlling your crying.....maybe its time to throw caution to the wind and let go a little so that you can see that losing control isn't the end of the world.

 

[anonymous]

Oh, and in regards to your other thread, I believe that all non-member posts must be approved first, so that's why they don't show up right away. That is, they go into moderation before they are posted in order to avoid spammers and trolls.

 

[starlight26]

Ah thank you, I've signed up now, so realize why it took a while to post!
Also, thank you for taking the time to reply. I definitely get what your saying, the crying thing is difficult for me, i've always found it hard to show emotions in front of people, and i fear feeling vulnerable or weak (especially around men). I think "letting go" and the fear of losing control is something which stops me from allowing anyone to help me, but i'm aware of it, so it's something i need to work on. I don't know, its taken so long to even consider telling someone, I've survived by not telling anyone, i'm terrified that when it's "out", i can't get that back, and i do fear how i'll cope. I have a week until my next session so i have some time to think, but thank you, i appreciate your reply.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

When I told my therapist from high school that I had been sexually assaulted, he just nodded. I was so nervous and worked up over it, but he took it in stride and acted like I had said something completely benign, like having just gotten a haircut. He already knew, even though I had never explicitly told him - all the things that I experienced had "told" him about my experiences already (plus a bunch of dissociative behaviors on my behalf, so to be frank, I actually have a poor sense of what I DID explicitly tell him).

Point is, no big deal. It's just another day in the office for them.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I don't know if this is helpful or not but my story seems similar in ways to yours and I too had a male T. I feel I was pushed to disclose exactly what happened to me too soon. This was detrimental to my MH I was hospitalised and it took me a long time to recover. So please don't feel like your forced I think it's very important for it to be on your terms and that you are completely in control of your disclosure. Perhaps you can say there is a trauma that is significant to your MH and talking about it as some point will be key to your recovery but your not ready to talk about it just yet.
When I did disclose I wrote it all down and handed it to him at the end of a session and walked away. I physically couldn't say it, my mouth went all dry and I couldn't swallow every time I tried. What ever choice you make will be the right one for you and how you feel. Peace & love.

 

[heartists]

This freaked me out to read because literally I have a very very similar story to you. Sexual abuse, ED, ", i became socially isolated and couldn't leave the house for a year because my anxiety was so severe." same.
As well as regaining my weight from anorexia because of a therapist specializing in ED. I eventually went to treatment for my ED just last october and that's when I met my new therapist who specializes in PTSD and does EMDR.
So your therapist now, are they trained in dealing with someone with an eating disorder? I think this may be important for you, but I also think that honestly I would have to work with a female because it is easier for me. That being said at first I minimized everything and stuff like that, its very hard with a just spilling everything approach. My body won't physically let me it feels like, speak.
I agree about writing, it may be easier for you to just write and give it to them.

 

[starlight26]

I don't know if this is helpful or not but my story seems similar in ways to yours and I too had a male T. I feel I was pushed to disclose exactly what happened to me too soon...When I did disclose I wrote it all down and handed it to him at the end of a session and walked away.

Thank you for your reply. I'm so sorry that you were pushed into telling what happened and had to go through that. I think because he is male i am more wary, luckily he doesn't seem to push me on matters i don't want to discuss and at times i have said, i can't talk about that, or i'm not ready to talk about it and he's not forced the matter. I have considered writing it down, because i'm the same in that when he has tried to talk about something which triggers memories of my experience i shut down and feel physically unable to respond. I guess i'm waiting for the moment when i know its the "right time" to finally tell someone, i just don't know if i'm there yet. I'm closer than before, but i agree, it needs to be on my terms. Thank you again for your comment.

When I told my therapist from high school that I had been sexually assaulted, he just nodded. I was so nervous and worked up over it, but he took it in stride and acted like I had said something completely benign, like having just gotten a haircut. He already knew, even though I had never explicitly told him - all the things that I experienced had "told" him about my experiences already

Thank you for sharing, i feel like my therapist already knows to some extent what I've been through, i feel he's just waiting for me to be ready to tell him. I know he's probably heard it all before, it's just that doesn't always make it easier. I would hope he would react to me in a similar way that your therapist responded, but it's the unknown which is a fear of mine.

So your therapist now, are they trained in dealing with someone with an eating disorder? I think this may be important for you, but I also think that honestly I would have to work with a female because it is easier for me. That being said at first I minimized everything and stuff like that, its very hard with a just spilling everything approach. My body won't physically let me it feels like, speak. I agree about writing, it may be easier for you to just write and give it to them.

Thank you for your reply, although i'm so sorry that you had to go through that and that you could relate to my story. Yes my therapist now is primarily trained in eating disorders, although he has experience with anxiety and trauma cases (he has worked with people where there are various issues) he works as part of an eating disorder team within a eating disorder outpatient clinic which is where i attend. I worked with a female therapist in 2013-2014, (also from the same outpatient clinic) however i wasn't able to disclose my experience to her, by the end of out sessions i had got to a point where i was able to tell her there was a trauma, and the symptoms, such as nightmares/having memories/images of the experience, but i couldn't tell her any detail, only that there was something wrong. She retired so this is why i started to see my new therapist earlier this year. I was concerned about seeing a male, and asked for a female therapist, however there wasn't a female therapist able to see me, so i decided to try and see my therapist, knowing that i could leave if i wasn't comfortable. I can completely understand feeling like your body won't let you speak, that's whats happening to me, i can't work out if that's because i'm not ready to disclose, or i don't feel i have a strong enough trust with my therapist or maybe because he is male, my fear takes over. A few people have suggested writing it down, i think if i get to a point where i'm ready to share, i may have to do that, because i don't think i can get the words out. I just need to get to a point where i know in myself that i'm ready to take that step.