Please Do Not Judge Me.

[Deleted member 20280]

I am now rather well known on this forum.

Recently I have stopped all of my prescribed medications as in the last 18 months I have been given 9 or 10 different medications to either help stop the nightmares or to send me to sleep, none of which have worked for long as my drug tollerances are high.

THe last time I went for a medication review they wanted to put me back on the first medication I was on 18 months ago. Well it didn't work then, so why would they think it would work now ?

So. 2 months ago I threw all of my medication away. YES all of it and I must admit I am struggling to cope with the daily onslaught of emotions and memories that are flooding back to me.

I have chosen to self medicate as a result because I need to sleep. I desperately need to sleep.

I suffer with horrific nightmares because of the abuses they did to me. My main abuser being 10 years older than me would beat me to the head when he came to bed (we shared a room with 2 other brothers). I wonder why bed time is a trigger for me ?

So, I self medicate !. I will not go into what substances I consume to achieve the state of oblivion I need to be able to forget (even for a moment) the horrors of my childhood.

Medications supplied by the medical profession have been tried for many a year now and simply do not work.

I self medicate, this is a fact and I will not hide this fact as I am not alone in this.

Please do Not Judge ME !

 

[Deleted member 20280]

To add to the above post I will say this much.

ANYTHING I could do to myself pales into insignificance compared to the terror I was subjected to as a small child. I am NOT that child anymore and I make the concious decision to live my life the way I chose now.

 

[SeanCharles]

@Santa_Laurie I am not judging you. We do what we feel we must do, whether it is right or wrong is for us to decide.

 

[joeylittle]

Not going to judge because I've been there myself.

in the last 18 months I have been given 9 or 10 different medications to either help stop the nightmares or to send me to sleep, none of which have worked for long as my drug tollerances are high...So. 2 months ago I threw all of my medication away. YES all of it and I must admit I am struggling to cope with the daily onslaught of emotions and memories that are flooding back to me.

Medications don't work long for me, either. I understand intimately how frustrating that is. Been hopping around through one combination or another for just about 5 years now. So I'll offer a different perspective - I do that instead of self-medicating because I do still hope that there will be something that hits me the right way at the right time, and works in the way I need it to for longer than 3-4 months.

So, I can rapid-metabolize drug x, and be on a very high dose, and eventually change it for drug y, or I can just drink myself to sleep - except that is going to stop working as well, so I'll increase the alcohol every time it's not doing the trick anymore. But I can't just decide to switch off alcohol and try hash instead, because now I'm addicted to alcohol.

Psychiatric medication creates dependence - but dependence is not addiction. Benzos do create addiction. Cannabis is addictive. Alcohol is addictive. MDMA, heroin, meth, cocaine, etc...addictive.

I am truly sorry you are suffering, and I really do understand the deep, deep frustration at the medicine for just not being better at doing its job.

And I'm not judging, at all. But do not underestimate the nightmare that substance addiction can create.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Yeah, no judgement. I did that too when I was younger as childhood wasn't childhood. So I drank and became an alcoholic tween as it numbed the night terrors and what was being done to us. Drug addict as a child from forced meds to make me compliant. Then choosing to self medicate with lots of drugs in my teen years and for a solid bit afterwards.

Now... I still have PTSD and multiple addictions :cautious: that I am always fighting inside myself to stay in recovery. Choice is always yours. Just know it was easier for me before I became addicted and started jones-ing too with PTSD.

 

[Neverthesame]

I sure as hell won't judge you.

What is the old saying? Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone? I'd better not pick up any rocks.

 

[shimmerz]

Please do Not Judge ME !

No Laurie, no judgement. I get going off the prescription drugs. My only concern with how you are trying to cope is whether it would cloud your healing journey. I think I can speak for all of us in saying that we want your journey to be as smooth as is possible...

Only you can determine whether this is helping you in that way. I am concerned (please read that word correctly) that you may lose sight of your sense of whether they are actually helping the very real problems you are attempting to work through. There may come a time that your current coping strategy may cause further problems to you and you may not be able to see that. That is my worry for you.

Just love, just concern for a fellow warrior.
Peace Laurie
Shimmerz

 

[BlueOrange]

Hi Laurie,

I'm glad you're addressing your need for sleep. I continue to think of you as someone I identify with, who I wish good things for.

Self-medicating? Not what I would recommend, but I've done a lot of things that I don't recommend. Please try to be aware of the relevant risks. If you can exercise during the day, then that may help you get tired enough to rest. (I talk a good game about exercise- sometimes I even get a little exercise!)

I wish I could express my affection in a more meaningful way. Please take care of Laurie, I care about him.

 

[rightkindofme]

I live in a place where marijuana is legal for me to self-medicate with. Every other medication I have ever tried has failed to help me with my issues.

I hope you are managing your harm risks carefully with a view towards long-term harm reduction. Other than that, I'm not judging at all. Feel a hair of concern but I trust you.

Good luck.

 

[moonbeam]

No judgments Laurie.

A lot of sufferers have at one time used something to self-medicate (though not always realising that is what they are doing).

Only you know what helps you but I am concerned that your choices while helpful short term might not be long term in your healing. I've selfmedicated in the past and had it be good short term and set me back long term. I just don't want this to happen to you.

I'm not judging. We all do what we have to do. Just take care of yourself Laurie.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

The term self medicating is confusing to me. As in non-prescribed or prescribed, they are all altering. Dr says x.mg y times a day. I have to decide for myself ultimately what is beneficial. Know thy self. I have to know better than my Dr's what is an acceptable level of harm for the better good. Teeter totter is the best I can figure out how the meds or any still self-medicating intake help, hinders, soothes, numbs, clears, tolerable to any gain back to me.

Best for me are dog, books, travel - take me out of my head trapped, abused reality. A path that changes moment by moment. Swim if you need to, don't drown.

 

[Ocean5]

@Link Removed Thanks for your honesty. No judgment at all!

After seeing side-effects and withdrawals effects from these "medicines" (but I'm sensitive to medicine I've learned...)..I'm also getting off too. And know all too much about nightmares and falling asleep at night.....

Maybe it will help you. It helps to remind me I escaped my childhood and terror. My ex posted this above my bed in college by singer Sarah Mclachlan.

"Angel"

"in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here"

Full song if you want to listen