StellaBlue
Gold Member
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this...I don't really want or need a discussion...just a place to vent and have witnesses.
For background: In early March, I made a "no contact" agreement with myself regarding my ex. Basically this meant (and I conveyed this to ex) that I would not have any more email, phone, in person, text, etc.. discussions except for visitation scheduling or emergency contacts involving the children. I have drawn this line in the sand numerous times over the last 4 years since we split up, but I have always gotten sucked back into the arguments - mostly because I have this intense need to defend myself.
Anyway - I have kept my commitment. But the last week has been very hard. There has been an ongoing issue with my youngest son at school that the teacher escalated and copied my ex on her emails to me. I have been bombarded with emails and texts from the ex regarding my lack of abilities as a parent and as a person. I held firm and did not respond, expect to clarify specific information regarding meetings with the teachers, etc. Today, I received an "apology" and I am furious. So...I am posting the email that I will NOT be sending here - because I need a witness (or 2 or 200) and this, to me, is a safe place to do. I will not send this to my ex (or actually anything other than meeting times and dates...because, well, after all this time, I know how the story ends).
Without further ado....
Dear Ex,
I received your email this morning with your apology and explanation that your emails and texts for the last week have been “snarky” because your friend has Stage 4 cancer. I am sorry about your friend. However, I do not accept your apology. First of all, calling your words snarky, once again, minimizes what you do and say. Your texts and emails have been outright abusive – snarky would be a welcome relief. And, just to be clear, when you use the word c**t to describe me, it’s definitely not snarky.
Secondly, the last week has only been a continuation of your verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse over the last 20 years. To me, accepting your apology only validates that apologies without changes are acceptable.
Finally, and this is not about your apology email, but about the previous ones – you accused me numerous times of not having my priorities straight in terms of my children (yes – my children). You have this amazing ability to be totally absent 98% of the time but then swoop in to “save the day” when you decide it’s a crisis. The situation with Youngest Son has been going on for years. You have refused to attend most of the he meetings with his teachers, his counselors, his IEP meetings unless it’s a situation where you can turn it into a case of you being the victim or me being an inadequate parent. The one that pisses me off the most is when you told the school he didn’t have a learning disability; the problem was he was “defiant” and needed counseling. So we wasted 6 months because he was denied testing until he had counseling when I (who sits with him while he struggles through his homework every night) saw that there was something other than “defiance” going on.
Oldest Son used to accuse me of hating you and I would deny it. I truly think at the time I didn’t hate you. I do now. I hate you and wish you would just curl up and die (maybe like the numerous times, including when I had cancer, when you told me you and the kids would be better off if I died and you could collect my insurance/SSI).
I told you 4 years ago when we separated that your behavior would eventually drive the children away from you. Oldest Son won’t have anything to do with you. Middle Son is about 65% there. Youngest Son is being damaged by the mind games you play. The only thing I can do is to continue to assure him that I love him and that he is safe. Eventually they will all leave you. I had hopes at one time that you would change – at least for them. I now recognize that that is not going to happen and that my job (beyond single parenting – no help from you – financially, emotionally, anything) is to do damage control from after very few visits you chose to have with them.
So – to reiterate (and I know you’ve told me you hate when I use “big” words – it means to say again so that it’s emphasized) – I don’t accept your apology. If you truly mean to be sorry, stop sending me abusive texts and emails.
Sincerely,
StellaBlue
For background: In early March, I made a "no contact" agreement with myself regarding my ex. Basically this meant (and I conveyed this to ex) that I would not have any more email, phone, in person, text, etc.. discussions except for visitation scheduling or emergency contacts involving the children. I have drawn this line in the sand numerous times over the last 4 years since we split up, but I have always gotten sucked back into the arguments - mostly because I have this intense need to defend myself.
Anyway - I have kept my commitment. But the last week has been very hard. There has been an ongoing issue with my youngest son at school that the teacher escalated and copied my ex on her emails to me. I have been bombarded with emails and texts from the ex regarding my lack of abilities as a parent and as a person. I held firm and did not respond, expect to clarify specific information regarding meetings with the teachers, etc. Today, I received an "apology" and I am furious. So...I am posting the email that I will NOT be sending here - because I need a witness (or 2 or 200) and this, to me, is a safe place to do. I will not send this to my ex (or actually anything other than meeting times and dates...because, well, after all this time, I know how the story ends).
Without further ado....
Dear Ex,
I received your email this morning with your apology and explanation that your emails and texts for the last week have been “snarky” because your friend has Stage 4 cancer. I am sorry about your friend. However, I do not accept your apology. First of all, calling your words snarky, once again, minimizes what you do and say. Your texts and emails have been outright abusive – snarky would be a welcome relief. And, just to be clear, when you use the word c**t to describe me, it’s definitely not snarky.
Secondly, the last week has only been a continuation of your verbal, emotional, mental and physical abuse over the last 20 years. To me, accepting your apology only validates that apologies without changes are acceptable.
Finally, and this is not about your apology email, but about the previous ones – you accused me numerous times of not having my priorities straight in terms of my children (yes – my children). You have this amazing ability to be totally absent 98% of the time but then swoop in to “save the day” when you decide it’s a crisis. The situation with Youngest Son has been going on for years. You have refused to attend most of the he meetings with his teachers, his counselors, his IEP meetings unless it’s a situation where you can turn it into a case of you being the victim or me being an inadequate parent. The one that pisses me off the most is when you told the school he didn’t have a learning disability; the problem was he was “defiant” and needed counseling. So we wasted 6 months because he was denied testing until he had counseling when I (who sits with him while he struggles through his homework every night) saw that there was something other than “defiance” going on.
Oldest Son used to accuse me of hating you and I would deny it. I truly think at the time I didn’t hate you. I do now. I hate you and wish you would just curl up and die (maybe like the numerous times, including when I had cancer, when you told me you and the kids would be better off if I died and you could collect my insurance/SSI).
I told you 4 years ago when we separated that your behavior would eventually drive the children away from you. Oldest Son won’t have anything to do with you. Middle Son is about 65% there. Youngest Son is being damaged by the mind games you play. The only thing I can do is to continue to assure him that I love him and that he is safe. Eventually they will all leave you. I had hopes at one time that you would change – at least for them. I now recognize that that is not going to happen and that my job (beyond single parenting – no help from you – financially, emotionally, anything) is to do damage control from after very few visits you chose to have with them.
So – to reiterate (and I know you’ve told me you hate when I use “big” words – it means to say again so that it’s emphasized) – I don’t accept your apology. If you truly mean to be sorry, stop sending me abusive texts and emails.
Sincerely,
StellaBlue
